I only wish I had PDT there to coach me when I was @ the 6 month mark with my H going back & forth with OW & me.
He broke it off (rather he said he did, & you know how much value to place on an addict's word) at least 3 times w/OW, only to tell me a day, a week, & once 20 minutes later, that he changed his mind & wanted to go back to her.
Your friends mean well, & I've been told the same thing by some of mine, trust all here that it's not just a matter of opinion, R talks don't work. Everytime you tell him you love him it drives him away, everytime he see's tears, it drives him away.
I heard "I just don't know" so many times I can't keep count. I don't hear that anymore since I've taken Puppy's account of how it affects the R when you put yourself under their control.
The more you fight him & try to convince him what he's giving up, the more he's going to try & prove you wrong.
What will change the dynamic's is when you stop texting, e-mailing, talking about the R, do a complete turn around & stick to it. Try it and see how fast it changes.
Well as hard as it is...I started packing his stuff. I only got three boxes packed.. but if I do 3-4 per day.. I will eventually have it done and accept it more every day.
Hubby came here with the kids yesterday after their soccer games..I figured he would. He never said he would stay away.I even let him know we had stuff to make a pot of chili.
He didnt make it..so I made it for dinner last night. Now he will have a huge pot of chili to eat and watch football.(I guess its my little reminder of what he will be giving up)
He is planning on staying here all day with them. Told D10 that he isnt taking them anywhere..he pays the mortgage.... Uhh...ok?
I guess the only good I see in him being stubborn..he is not at her house feeling all comfortable, spending time with her. If he comes home every weekend... he only gets to spend time with her every day after 8pm.... hmmm.. thats how our relationship had issues..no time together.
So... trying to listen to everyone... shut that door and not allow him to take advantage of me.
My goal is to have almost all of his belongings packed by the time he is home from his trip to Chicago... Oct 6
Someone gave me a great example yesterday....just like you have all been saying...
Do you like to fish? Yes OK...do you catch the fish when the hook it just hanging there.. or when you start to pull it away.
I guess I am that fish... And if he doesnt come back by me walking away(it is so hard to do this).... he probably was not going to anyway.
He already knows you love him. Why are you making this HIS decision?
Yes PDT! Yes!
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The more you fight him & try to convince him what he's giving up, the more he's going to try & prove you wrong.
Yes!
I am mortified now, thinking back, and asking my husband if I was still 'in the running' with regards to his decision. Of course I got the "I don't know".
Don't ask anymore. Please don't. Please learn from our mistakes!
He doesn't want to hear you love him. He knows, but probably doesn't appreciate it anymore. He doesn't want to hear that you 'want him happy', that you want what's best for him. Just like you don't believe what HE says, he doesn't believe what you say to him.
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What will change the dynamic's is when you stop texting, e-mailing, talking about the R, do a complete turn around & stick to it. Try it and see how fast it changes
He might not saying anything, but he will notice. And the biggest plus side is that YOU will feel so much better. I promise.
Well.. today is the start of day 2 with no contact. It is killing me inside.
I just read on another persons post whose hubby is still in touch with other woman... that it starts the withdrawal time over and makes it hard for him to give up...
That is why I worry about me not talking to him... it will be easy to permanantly walk away from me and the kids with less and less contact. Does that make sense?
He apparently did not even mention anything to the children about me starting to pack up his stuff.... but he had to notice the boxes are sitting in plain view. Sucks...he is probably grateful ....
That is why I worry about me not talking to him... it will be easy to permanantly walk away from me and the kids with less and less contact. Does that make sense?
Sandy, I was about to give you my opinion on this, when I read something on another thread that sums it up far better. It's from WDID -- a former WAW, and it really helps give a peek into the state of your husband's mind right now:
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That being said, it's not over til it's over. I've heard many stories on here about things happening at the very last minute. Giving her the candy, inviting her to church...all good guiltwise, but she just may see it as "he's still nice to me, I'm ok" Having you "all business" and then go to "being nice" will take away from the "all business/making her feel her choice". You know your situation more than anyone, and you know your wife, but I know that when my H was ok, I was ok. When he didn't give a darn about me, didn't treat me like his wife anymore, took away all the things I depended on him for, it was a very different story....I didnt' like it. It made me think. Especially about my son. When he stopped telling me where he was with him, when he stopped inviting me to do the fun stuff with him, when I was alone with son and never a family, THATS where it hit me how it would be. I realized that my H would NOT give me my cake and let me eat it too. He would not let me have this nice divorce where the family is still all wonderful and loving and acting like a family when in reality they are living a single married messed up life.
WHY are YOU doing his packing? Make him pack up - seems you are pushing him out. Make him make the decision to leave you and his kids. Also - if he is at the house for his time with the kids - you go and do something for YOU - even if it's going to the bookstore to browse. Just get out - he is not taking his share of the responsibilities with his kids or so it seems!
Trust me out of sight is NOT out of mind. When he is not with you do fun stuff with the kids so THEY can report to him all that they have been doing WITHOUT him!!!!!!!
Please read my sitch to see all the things I did wrong and learn from my mistakes. My H waffled for well over 16 mos and I could have ended it so easily - but I did not want to! I made it hard for us to split. We never divided our $ accts and we split the time with the kids - it was only fair.
Spend some time reading how others have gone through the same things you are - learn from them. Patience Patience Patience - my H said if I had not been so so patient we would be divorced today!
Take one day at a time!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing