I remember an ole saying which was repeated to me .. often.
"It's all fun and games til someone gets hurt."
The hardest thing is when you cause your own pain (as we all do). I'll say a prayer for her. Understanding beyond the feelings of anguish sometimes leads to healing.
Someone keeps asking me, "What are you going to do when he comes crawling back?" Aside from the fact Mother Earth will have twins and potty train them before that could ever happen, now know I have boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
You've said your wife harbored a lot of resentment over your initial balking about reversing the vasectomy. I've held the same anger toward my spouse because he wouldn't have one. Due to the severity of the post partum depression after our third child I was convinced I would not survive another pregnancy. I was angry and hurt to the core that he would not have the procedure me, giving me the greatest gift.
Right now I'm kinda laughing. Geez.. making him use a condom all the time probably would have worked. Ah well, hindsight!
Anyway.. getting past feeling hurt and sorry for myself gets me out of the wallow of sorrow, anger, bitterness. We all screw up. Try tossing some forgiveness her way. Look at me.. I've just NOW realized twelve years later what my kernel of truth was. All the angst could have been easily resolved by looking outside of our boxes of fear and emotion.
Wowser. Maybe I can do that with this.
*hugs*
And don't ask me to dumb this down because I'm not quite sure what I wrote!
