Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Why is the karma bus smacking me so hard? So, my S9 had another horrible breakdown with me....dont want to live, life is too hard, I'm so sad ect,ect. I know this sounds terrible, but I was just too tired to deal with it anymore. I kept trying to help him for almost 2 hours and then finally gave up and called STBXH. He talked with S for about a good 20 min then wanted to talk to me. As we are talking a female coughs in the background. I immediately ask who was that? He said it was the wife of the guy he is living with. Of course that is bs, it was OW. Personally I think she did it so that I would know she was right there. ARRGG!! Anyway, I just let it go and kept telling him how S progressed into the meltdown. After I went back into S's room, he refused to go to sleep for me. Was being completely combative. Again, I gave up, just too tired. I called STBXH back and said "No judgement, just want to know, are you really at your house?" He said no. I said, "Good, then you are close by. Do you think you can come over and put S to bed because he wont do it for me?" He said he would be right there.



When he got here, I acted like it did not bother me that he was with OW. He saw how sick I was feeling and apologised for lying (gee, its only because he got caught that he feels bad). Said that he is going by my old model of anger and is afraid that mentioning her will just make me angry (wonder why it would do that!!!!). In the most compassionate, sincere voice I could manage (and it was very believable) I said, "STBXH, you chose your path and have to walk it. I now have mine. It is what it is. I have moved on from that." He told me that he wanted me to know that S would ALWAYS come first in his life and he would drop anything and everything for him (yeah, um right, then why arent you doing what is best for him and trying to work on the marriage. Dont you mean YOU come first and then S???) Then he said that he cared deeply for me and would always come over to help with me as well. I said that I would not ask much of him because I was not going to come between him and his relationships. Get this, he said that who ever he is with is just going to have to understand that he cares for me and that I am the mother of his son and there are going to be times he needs to do stuff for me. If they are not secure enough with him and his honesty (which we all know he has a steller record) then he is going to have to question that relationship.



Ok, so here is the really mean part of me creeping out. I know that I am ASSuming everything here, but it makes me feel better to do so. First I think it is very funny that she feels so insecure that she has to make it known to me that he is over there. Then, imagine how she must have felt to hear him lie about her. After all, I already know they are together so why lie? Then, she has to sit there and wait while he comes to MY house. Bet she's not such a happy camper at the moment. I really hope she starts to bad mouth me to him as well. That will go over quite well. Me, the sickly kind hearted left behind wife trying to raise the depressed left behind son, her the angry insecure B she is. Cant wait for that to blow up. And trust me, she is VERY insecure. Did I mention she started to hit on her best friends boyfriend before she got her claws into my H and now her best friend will no longer talk to her. Classy.


So, I've come to the conclusion STBXH really is just too screwed up anymore. Was pretty much on that page anyway but now I think I just need to go as dim as I can. I have to get him out of my life so that I can heal. When he comes and tries to be my friend it is only hurting me and making him feel good. How is that fair? I need to just focus on me and move on. I will not be mean or unkind, just not around. No more emails from me, no responces, no compliments no offers of a glass of wine. He walks in, I walk out. I walk in and say goodnight. End of story. I have got to let my heart heal. I was in a really strong place while living with my brother. I come back here and turn into a mess once again. Need to turn that back around.


I may not have that much time to wait for him to get his head out of his @ss. I did ask him if she knew I had cancer. He said yes. Again, what kind of woman would have an A with a man who left his wife of 20 years while she has cancer. The better question, though, is what kind of man would do that? Not someone I should be fighting for anymore. I am going dim for me, not to punish him. I am going dim so that I can finally detach because I have not been able to do that since I moved back.

I know I have come really far because when I found out he was with her, it did not hurt that much...just a quick stab of pain then a o'well, that's his choice. I think that is a good sign. I just want to keep progressing to a healing place. I no longer want the hurt.