Do you have a current thread somewhere, other than that "questioning yourself" one in Newcomers? I'd like to get an idea of your sitch, too. Did you used to post as Just_Me?
No current thread. And yes, I used to post as Just_me. Phoenix was the original name I had when I came here. I started a new account when my wife looked on here and read all about the trials and tribulations of Phoenix.
Quote:
I am finally just now starting to feel more relaxed and less anxious, which has made a tremendous difference too. I will be thrilled to get to that point that I think either Jen_Jam or SDFoundGirl described as "no longer scanning the skies for bombs"
I don't think there is harm in "scanning the skies for bombs". Well, some, if it's interfering with your ability to have a normal relationship. I become complacent when I'm comfortable. I stop thinking about what I've done to show my wife I love her and just do my own thing. I don't look for bombs, and I don't fear bombs, but I am concerned when I consider whether I'm holding up my own end. I think it's hard to consistently make a conscious effort to love your spouse without thinking about what he/she is doing or not doing for you. Did I hold up my end of the duties? Did I speak her love language today? Did I go an extra step this week (ie backrub or something else she likes) to do something nice for her? It just gets so easy to just 'be'...know what I mean? And it gets very easy to fall back into old ways of dealing with disputes/arguments.
But I'm rambling. You probably know all that. But as a guy, I would like to say that even when a guy's heart is in the right place, a lot of times we just don't think to keep wooing the women we love, even if we do. We are good at reciprocating though. It takes very little of my love language from my wife for me to feel the need to do something sweet for her.
I'm glad things are going well for you.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm glad that you will make sure to have fun this party too! yup, I remember that 180 party. I'm kinda like you too with that, although it was our kid's b=day parties, not our parties, but I remember one time I even ended up crying and hiding out somewhere because everything just wasn't going right and H wasn't doing what I needed. I've learned from that! I'm so glad we're not like that anymore! we'll have to make sure we never go back to it too.
so, speaking of b-days, when is yours, and when is H takin you out??? I'm really excited to hear about it!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Just got back from an AWESOME day in Sonoma / Napa / Calistoga with my H. Just wonderful. Amazing weekend so far, actually!
First replies...
Michelle I don't think you'll have to worry about it! But I know I'm accountable now.. . I just had to tell you K-fed asked about you the other day. He was trying to decide if he should bring his girlfriend to the party or not! He said "I won't if that one hot chick friend of yours is gonna be there" (I about died laughing.. yeah I'm sure it'll be really impressive that you left your GIRLFRIEND at home so you could try to pick up someone else!!). Anyway I thought it was pretty funny and hey, nice compliment right?
Phoenix Ahh I remember you as Just_Me, some. Wow I can't even imagine my H reading my stuff here.. though I guess it's a good reminder, anything can happen!
You make a good point about getting too "comfortable." I guess what I mean is... getting rid of that constant "living in fear" feeling. Where you KNOW something isn't right but your spouse won't talk about it, you can't figure out how to fix it, and you know you're about to get "bombed" again. I guess that probably has more to do with detachment than anything else though. Great reminders though - thank you.
ST My actual BD is Monday although I feel like it's been the past 2 days, already!
Ahhh yes... it's actually sad when I think back on some of those early parties. How many people would hug me and ask if I was OK, or constantly ask me "Do you enjoy this too or...?" Don't get that anymore, for sure.
--------------- So... on to my wonderful past two days.
Long post warning, don't want to forget anything!
Actually it kinda started Thursday now that I think about it! Thursday my department at work did a "September Birthday" thing. The really cool thing though is a couple of guys in my area go salmon fishing in Alaska every year. They take a lot of pride in the fish they catch and have smoked... and the fish happens to be ready to share right around my birthday every year. Nice timing! Even if you don't think you like salmon, or fish, or smoked meat in general... OMG this stuff is incredible. They bring in some of the salmon and "trimmings" (bread, cream cheese, capers..) and we have a super yummy lunch. And quite a treat hearing all their stories about catching the fish, up close encounters with Grizzly bears, all that cool stuff.
(I actually had a pretty awful week at work.. so this was a nice change of pace!)
I forget if I mentioned it here, but my home PC crashed really bad a few weeks ago - completely dead and I lost the hard drive too. AAACKKK. Fortunately can use my work laptop as a "backup" but I finally gave up and ordered a new computer - including this really cool media center thing that basically turnns your TV / stereo into a "player" for any movies, pictures, music, etc. I'm kinda a techie geek so I was excited about this.
So... Friday, I get home from work and see this beautiful bouquet of flowers on the doorstep, with a big pile of shipping boxes next to it. I was seriously scratching my head.. For 1, H hasn't ever shipped me flowers like that (usually brings them home) so I had no idea who they were from, and for 2 I couldn't for the life of me figure out why so many boxes! I opened the card and it said "Happy Birthday - Love, H" (I KNOW you all know how happy that made me!!). It turns out H DID ship me the flowers, and thought it would be neat for me to come home and see them there... very sweet! I texted him a thank you note. Still not totally sure I like the whole texting thing but I've been sending them to him here and there and he REALLY likes it so, trying to get used to it. The boxes were totally coincidental - a couple of my computer parts (not the main PC), a prescription I get shipped every month, and a part H ordered... just funny that it happened all on the same day!
The computer part that came was the media center thing and H got ALL excited about it. Then we (he) figure out that it won't work with the current stereo/tuner set up that we have. I am a computer techie-geek but when it comes to TVs/stereo setups I just stare at it blankly. I don't even CARE how this and that is hooked up, I just want it to work! So.. H looks at me funny and hems and haws awhile then says... "would a tuner be a totally lame birthday present?" I laughed a little and said "Sonoma's my birthday present! A tuner is a great present as long as I still get Sonoma...and besides I already got beautiful flowers!" (all a very joking tone). He said "Really? I know you're not that into this stereo stuff" and I said "Yeah not really, BUT I am into stuff working right and totally excited about this media thing so if that'll make it work, a tuner is a great gift!" He was all excited about that one. So... off to Best Buy we went. He ended up setting it up (mostly) last night.
This morning... got up and changed clothes about 5 times. The original outfit I wanted to wear didn't work because it was colder than I expected - I would've frozen! Did my hair and all that good stuff, thought I looked really cute, and H didn't say anything.. hardly even a second "look" if ya know what I mean. It bummed me out a little BUT I was proud of myself for letting it go. And he made up for it big time.
We headed off for Sonoma and I kept screwing up the directions. I thought I remembered better where things were but kept getting turns wrong. I thought he'd be frustrated but he wasn't at all, so that was cool, and I managed not to get too frustrated either. Heck when you're in wine country with the top down and beautiful scenery.. what's a wrong turn here and there??
We tasted wine at the Greek winery that I went to last year and he loved it, then we headed to the Sonoma downtown/plaza area. I showed him the Swiss Hotel and we put our names in for dinner.. then did more wine tasting and even got a little Christmas shopping done (one of the wines was soooo good.. a red wine infused with brandy and dark chocolate... WOW). We walked around a bit and had lunch in this beautiful patio/garden area at another restaurant - one that I ate at by myself very close to this time last year! Some of the food there's a bit on the "yuppie" side and I was a little worried that it was too weird for him, but he ended up LOVING his lunch, and the half of mine that he finished off for me.
We even went to an ART GALLERY, at H's suggestion! Totally unheard of for him to want to do that. Granted the sculptures out front were some figures made out of car parts.. but still, that was cool. We both ended up really impressed by one of the artists' photography and H thought it was great that the actual artist was there in the gallery. I knew that's common for galleries in Sonoma but he didn't, and he liked it a lot that he got to meet the artist.
We headed up North to see the Geyser and got lost again... although it ended up being a beautiful drive through the area we were lost in so that was good (and.. deserted enough roads that I got to "thank" H a little in the car if ya know what I mean).
He thought the geyser wasn't going to be that exciting but went to humor me, and ended up really surprised at how impressive it was. Plus I got to feed goats and he always laughs at how much I love feeding animals so that was fun.
On the way back to Sonoma we were going to stop at Sterling winery which has the tram ride up to the top but found the castle one first (another place I went alone, last year, although I didn't explore it much). This place is incredible!! It just opened April of 07 and when I went last October it was still catching on - now, they sell out their tour tickets first thing in the morning! So we got to do some tasting and look around at the "non-tour" areas but didn't get to go on the full tour (bummer, but we're planning to go back for that!). The guy who built it has a true passion for both castles and wine.. and he, literally, had all the brick (almost 1,000,000 bricks!) shipped over from the ruins of castles in Europe to build this place. He had to bring in special craftsmen and stuff because apparently people looked at him crazy when he said he wanted to build a castle. He either brought everything in, or had it made here in the way it would've been made in the middle ages (for example, the tile roof - none of the tiles match because the workers literally formed them by shaping them around their legs then setting them on the roof!).
H was TOTALLY fascinated by the castle. We explored just about every nook and cranny we were allowed to.. then H said "Shhh!" and took off and snuck behind the ropes and ran through a bunch of it on his own (I couldn't keep up with my bad knee and all the steep stairs or I would have! I played "lookout" to make sure we didn't get in trouble, instead). He came back all breathless telling me about the neat stuff he saw and he couldn't wait to come back and get the full tour. He was SO into the castle, I couldn't believe it. He talked about the different ways castles are defended, and why they're on hills ("so you have a good view, and your enemy is running up hill")... it was cool! He was truly passionate about it. I said something about visiting the castles in Europe some day and he said that would be neat, but what he loved about this place was that it was a REAL castle - but still NEW. So you could see it "as it would have been," not what you often see now which is pieces or ruins and you try to picture the "heyday" in your head. We talked about how if we were rich we'd rent the place and throw a Halloween party there - it would be an awesome place for it! All these creaky doors, dungeons, and such. Later at dinner he said something interesting - I asked him why are castles "creepy" because we both agreed it was VERY creepy and yet so beautiful. He said "Because men died - those knights, they were totally devoted, in the old days they died to defend that place at all costs.. I mean soldiers die now, I know that, but this was hand to hand combat - this was swords and if you weren't the best man, you died, defending something you believed in so much." WOW... that may be one of the "deepest" things my H has ever said to me (unrelated to bomb/MC/R stuff). He sounded passionate.
On the way out we watched a kitten stalking roosters for awhile.. this little cat chasing these huge (and mean looking!) roosters. Finally one got pissed and pecked the cat, and soon enough the rooster was chasing the cat. Then this kinda tipsy lady decided to help the cat chase the roosters... she even went so far as to go IN the chicken coop, which caused what I can only describe as a chicken riot - there were chickens and roosters running and squawking all over the place. It was HILARIOUS!! I tried to take pics, hopefully some of them turn out.
I think we spent about 2.5 hours at the castle and it wasn't near enough. but that means we have a reason to go back! By the time we left the other places I wanted to show him were closed, but it was no biggie. All day we looked for "vacancy" signs but the entire town was booked solid so we didn't get to stay overnight.. oh well. Next time!
After a lonnng drive with lots of traffic we got back to the Sonoma plaza and we were really getting hungry! Decided to go to the Swiss Hotel and grab a snack in the bar while we waited for our dinner reservation time. Doc Love in particular will appreciate this (if you managed to get through this long post!) - the ONLY available table was one in the back corner... where I happened to enjoy dinner with a fellow DB'er (the Doc himself!) last year. Wow that was strange!! Last year to be sitting in the SAME CHAIR talking with a friend from DB about separations, Ds, etc.. and now to be sitting there with my H sitting across from me and toasting my birthday. Woah.
At dinner H made up for the "compliments" I was wishing for earlier... I think we toasted about 5 times and it was things like "To a beautiful day, and a beautiful girl" or "to your 25th birthday.. no wait, you're more wonderful and beautiful today than you were even then"... Soooo nice.
We did have one somewhat "iffy" moment that I thought I handled pretty well. While we've been planning for this party next week, H keeps telling me how he asked various friends to bring "hot girls" with them. I KNOW his intent is "so that the single guys [many of his friends] will stick around" but it just hits me wrong. I have been trying to think of the best way to approach it with him. I'm sorry but.. I want people to come because they want to hang out and have fun, not because we're running some sort of hook-up service!! So it came up again tonight and I finally said "H I'm sorry to bring this up right now but I really need to say something. It hurts me a lot as your wife to hear how excited you are to ask people to bring 'hot girls' to our party." He defended himself (understandably) "But I want it to be a good party and I know some of the guys will leave if there aren't any girls! And all my friends at work are guys so.." (I found it interesting that he emphasized this). I forget all the details but in a nutshell I said two things bothered me, one was that I wanted to socialize and have fun with our friends, and if they couldn't be at our house without having random "hot girls" here then they were welcome to leave.. and the second was the shallowness of the "hot girls" thing. He got a little mad and didn't seem to really get what I was saying, so I said "Look, how would you feel if I told you that I handed out invites to my friends at work and asked them to bring all their hot guy friends?" He thought about it and we finally talked it out.. I said I understood where he was coming from, he wanted it to be a "successful" party, and he said he understood why that bothered me and how I could see it as being shallow. So... I was glad for that. I do feel he heard and understood me. Hopefully he felt I 'heard' him... in the past when something "bothered" me he would just totally shut down and then resentment would build, so, I hope that was a reasonably good convo.
So... minor, minor blip in the day and hopefully positive ultimately in that we shared our feelings. We went to dinner and both of our dinners were AMAZINGLY good. One of those where every bite you're ooh'ing and ahh'ing and going "HOW can this be THIS good???" LOTS of good conversation, no awkward silences, tension, or even "filler" convos... just talking, laughing, having fun.
After dinner I got kinda sad thinking that our day was over... when H put our leftovers and the rest of the bottle of wine in the trunk, grabbed my hand, and we went for a walk all around the plaza. Saw more neat sites and wished we had more time to check things out (it was all closed at this point so it was a lot of peeking through windows into museums, shops, etc.). We walked through the park that had a bunch of really pretty and kinda romantic lights, looked at the pond for awhile, woke up and irritated all the ducks.. . As we walked back to the car I choked up a little bit and H stopped and gave me a kiss that - well - I don't think we've kissed like that in public before! I went to take a picture of the park before we left and he said "No - just look at it, enjoy it" - so, I did. He said "Nice finish to the day, right? A walk through the moonlit park?" I thanked him over and over for such a wonderful day and he said he was glad I had fun - I said me too and I was also excited that HE had fun.
The drive home was pretty uneventful but as we came in the house H said "Don't worry, I don't think your actual BD can top today, but it's not over yet." He was exhausted from staying up late last night playing with stereo stuff, so he fell asleep almost instantly! I am still wide awake and flying high from such a wonderful day.
Whew OK sorry like I said, long post! I am just so happy and I wanted to journal it all.. even if I'm the only one who ever actually makes it through all that.. haha.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
A few things I forgot.. (I know, seriously, I FORGOT some things with that long post?? But, I did).
1. When H went to bed I thanked him one more time and said "You're so wonderful.. ILY so much." H squeezed me really tight and said "ILY, too." We've been exchanging ILYs sometimes... but more I guess what you'd call "casual" ones ("Have a good day, ILY"). Tonight I was VERY hesitant about saying it for some reason and I finally realized it was because I was saying it with more.. hmm what's the word?.. depth?.. than I have in a long time. I MEANT it and knew it would come out in my voice and was "afraid" he'd hear it wrong. Well, he heard it - but he heard it right, squeezed me tight, and returned the ILY with a lot of feeling too. Wow.
2. H must've said at least 3 times at the castle place "This would be an awesome place to get married!" and actually pointed out features that made it romantic/wedding-y. And hugged or kissed me.
3. JUST after we got coffee this morning H's phone rang and I probably shouldn't have said it but I rolled my eyes and said "ALREADY?!?! I should've thrown that thing out the window when I had the chance." (it had almost flown out earlier and I caught it). H apologized.. it was his Mom so he talked to her, but I noticed he left the phone in the car the entire rest of the day. This is HUGE for him... it's usually glued to his side.
4. In case you want to check it out, here is the awesome castle winery! (not to be confused with Castle Winery which is, well, confusing!!.. Castle Winery is kinda boring while Castello di Amorosa, which has a REAL CASTLE, is quite amazing) http://www.castellodiamorosa.com If you just go to the home page and watch it for awhile you get a slideshow... doesn't do it justice AT ALL but it's still neat.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
OK.. one more post and I swear I'm done! Regarding #3 above.. I didn't say anything to H so far about leaving the phone in the car. Thoughts on this? Part of me wants to thank him for it, while part of me things that thanking him for the wonderful day "says" it without sounding like I'm trying to control him or something. (in other words... "thank you for the wonderful day!!" [which happened to include leaving the cell in the car which he was VERY obvious and deliberate about] vs. "thank you for the wonderful day and especially for leaving your cell phone in the car so we could enjoy it even more!" [which thanks him for the specific action... but is it TOO 'pushy' or something?]
My overactive brain is kicking in.. .. time to catch up quickly with others then go to bed.
Thanks so much, everyone, for your support.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I LOVE the Castello di Amarosa! That place is awesome! I was there right after it opened and last June with my STBXH. Totally fun place.
Sounds like you are having a pretty fun weekend!
It sounds like you were actually able to talk about the girls at the party thing. I'm so glad.
And it sounds like the rest of the day was just fantastic. Love the "thank you" in the car lol
I forget what your H's LL is/are. But the fact that you guys had such a great day and he got lots of attention might be enough w/o you verbally mentioning the cell phone thing.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
If you HAVE to mention the phone, maybe do it in the context of a broader conversation...
H, I just have to tell you again, my Bday was soooo great, I felt so special when I got home and there were flowers, when you left your phone behind so our time was protected, when you took me on a moonlit walk, when you....
I don't think you really need to comment about the phone either, I don't think it's necessary. You don't have to verbally comment on everything he does IMHO.
Originally Posted By: nik
It bummed me out a little BUT I was proud of myself for letting it go. And he made up for it big time. \:\) (GOOD JOB NOT LETTING THAT GET YOU DOWN!)
We headed off for Sonoma and I kept screwing up the directions. I thought I remembered better where things were but kept getting turns wrong. I thought he'd be frustrated but he wasn't at all, so that was cool, and I managed not to get too frustrated either. Heck when you're in wine country with the top down and beautiful scenery.. what's a wrong turn here and there??
okay, have you thought that maybe the reason he would get frustrated before was because you would get frustrated??? Even if it was him getting frustrated first, if we don't let them bring us down, and we keep our PMA up, then we can bring THEM up instead! So your mood may have just kept your H from getting frustrated!
You are SO awesome Nik! I'm so glad you had a great time, you deserved it for sure!!!!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
NikB, Sounds like you had a great time. I will gladly let your H have my seat. The only thing now is I have a challenge to take my W there and her she to sit in yours...
I am going to Google this "Castello di Amarosa". Sounds like a good day time date in the near future
ahh bet you thought about me while talking to your H..
later Dr LOve
Last edited by Dr LOve; 09/22/0802:28 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
. I just had to tell you K-fed asked about you the other day. He was trying to decide if he should bring his girlfriend to the party or not! He said "I won't if that one hot chick friend of yours is gonna be there" (I about died laughing.. yeah I'm sure it'll be really impressive that you left your GIRLFRIEND at home so you could try to pick up someone else!!). Anyway I thought it was pretty funny and hey, nice compliment right? 
deserted enough roads that I got to "thank" H a little in the car if ya know what I mean). 
lol