Jimi...I hate to tell you this, but it is only confusing to you, because you are inside the picture. Those of us outside the picture can see very clearly what is going on.
You said: "Either way I plan on confronting her either tomorrow or the day after. I want her to know I love her, I miss her, I have enjoyed our time together greatly and I KNOW she has too, and that I need her to explain to me... clearly and without any crapping around.. WHY she has made such an extreme about turn in the space of three days. I feel it is absolutely reasonable for her to tell me the truth of the situation and stop diddling and faffing around with non-starter comments like 'I love you but love is not enough' or 'I just need space'"
OK here this shows that you are operating under the assumption that SHE knows HERSELF what she is doing and why.
But WAW's, MLC's, and any person who has waywardly left their family....are CONFUSED and they themselves do not know why they are doing anything, why they chose this or that, why they left, why they came back, why they left again. That is why people refer to it as a "fog".
You demanding some answers for her behavior as you have stated above, is only going to get a confused look from her. SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THOSE QUESTIONS.
Did you read what I suggested you say to her? What did you think about it, if you did read it?
You seem to be avoiding direct suggestions sometimes, and we really are trying to help you. Many of us are coming from experience or lots of knowlege about affairs and how they happen, the symptoms, etc. You, unfortunately, are a novice in these ideas...we are all sad you had to learn anything about them at all, in the way you have had to learn them. But nevertheless, you are a novice in affairs and the things that happen. Why not listen a little more openly to what some of us have been saying all along, and all along most of the things we warned you about have now happened? I'm not meaning to bash on you, I realize it is very hard to hear and believe what we are saying, because you WANT to still believe that this woman is still the woman you were married to...you think that you "know" her and how she thinks, and you are relying on that knowledge to help you make choices. Unfortunately, that knowledge no longer applies to your situation, due to her "fog". But here we are...with knowledge that can help you...if you will learn, listen, and apply it.
Try to expect that she will likely not get back to you immediately. Assume she will take a couple of days to answer you, and don't pursue her for an answer.
Expect that she will take the boundary seriously, which means, you really do need to consult a lawyer within the next week or so. If you don't, then the letter will render itself as simply more cake eating opportunity for her.
She may be angry at your "demands". You said she is a control freak, so expect her to freak out. Expect her to possibly come back with a heated answer, but don't expect that to be the last word. If you and she do end up divorced, that is a long process and you will definitely have more time for more words later....so just know that even though you have to follow through and talk to an attorney, it doesn't mean there won't be time for her to get her act together before it is a done deal.
Just don't expect her to get her act together, because she may not. That is up to her to figure out for herself.
Expect that you will need counseling through this difficult journey, and get some.
If you tell her in your letter how much you miss her, etc. don't expect it to make a difference. The part in the letter that will make a difference is the part that implicitly says "you WILL respect my boundaries, because I'm taking my cake away". This will make her also respect YOU, and you CAN expect that!....if you really hold to all the letter says.
You can also expect a lot of support around here, because so many others are going through the same or similar. Do you read and post on others threads? That helps sometimes to do that, because we all need that support from others who "get" what we are going through.
I think her behavior indicates that she has slipped back into her affair.
I think your plan is a good one, considering, technically, you're supposedly still at the "she wants you, 100%, and has ended it" CLAIM, anyway.
DQ makes some PHENOMENAL points, and gives great insight into your wife's mind. I'm afraid to say, your wife is ONLY going to respond to strength right now -- not "melty man."
Well guys... it has all gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I spoke to my wife last night. She phoned to ask what time I was going to see our daughter. I mentioned I would have a chat with her and she responded in distant and careless tones.
It was too much.
I told her what I thought. I told her I couldn't believe her behaviour and attitude towards me after all we have been doing together again... as a family and a couple. I told her I believed she had not properly ended the affair and I said I understood all my words were falling on deaf ears. She listened, saying NOTHING, until I told her that she has acted with horrendous selfishness. Then she refused to listen and went.
It gets worse. I HAD ENOUGH. I CRACKED. I AM SO ANGRY AND UPSET AND HURT.
I e-mailed the OM and told him everything... and after that I phoned and spoke to her 'friend' in the USA. I told her friend (who has been involved with the infidelity since the beginning) all that has happened. Her friend listened carefully, said she thought something was wrong and feels (once again) betrayed and used by my wife (as she has lied TO EVERYONE about what she has been doing)
I went to sleep.
I woke up and checked my e-mails and received this from the OM. I have taken out names:
"well mate, i liked to thank you for telling me this. because she was acting weird for a while and we fell out and i should of known it was you. it came across my mind that you two have been messin around. thats why that divorce is not final yet. i think she was wanting her cake and eat it too. why the hell would she have sex with you and a relationship and doesnt think its going to get back to me. did she really think you wouldnt end up tellin me. well, you can have her back because i do believe you because it all fits you know, regardless of what you think of me, i loved her so much. i got her 200 hundred dollars eaarings for her b-day. nice flowers by the way, she told me they were from work. i loved her to the point where i should of seen the signs but i was in denial. and maybe you are the only guy who can handle all her bullshit. well, i really dont wanna talk to her ever again and im serious this time buddy. i know your tellin the truth, about her and this guy at the bus stop that i just found out about. i like to thank you for sayin this because i have a great job and alot of friends and was going to give it up all for that and now im glad i found out b4 i actually went over there. i would of lost everything. Good luck with her because shes a crazy ass whore that likes to [censored] around on ppl. i cant believe this whole year has been a lie."
I don't know anymore. I think my wife is ill.
Anyway, I then sent her a message by text and told her:
'You are a liar and a cheat. You lie to your friends, you own family and even your own little girl. How you have treated the people around you is a disgrace. I do not want to talk to you. Do not contact me'
I think our marriage is over for good. I am devastated.
I disagree with your assessment (that it's "gone horribly, horribly wrong." By what standard? By how LIVID your wife is?
That's not the standard anymore, and needs to never be again. From now on, the standard in your life is "do the right thing. In every situation, do the right thing . . . do what God would have me do in this situation (and, if so inclinced, ASK Him, and pray for strength if need be)."
I used to do things worried about "would it make her made." I was totally co-dependent on my wife's feelings toward me, and tolerated way too much b.s.
I suspect you're the same way.
Yes, you could have handled things more calmly, but everything you said, needed to be said.
Even Jesus threw over the moneychangers' tables, and lost His temper. Sometimes it's time for a little RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.
Let her sit. DON'T RESCUE. For the first time in a long, LONG time, she now has to deal with the fallout, and the consequences of her destructive choices.
Hi Jimi....I hope you have had time to calm down a little since your last post, but I will assume you are in a lot of pain and anger right now.
I'm so sorry if you feel that everything is doomed now, but I actually think that if you and your wife were going to have any chance at being together, you have more of a chance now than ever before.
Regardless if your wife is livid with you or not, I can guarantee that at least she respects you at this moment. And that is what you needed from her more than anything else, respect.
Please take good care of yourself and be as calm as possible over the next few days. Avoid contact with her if you can, so as to give you both time to cool down.
Then talk to an attorney and see what your rights are and be armed with that knowledge.
From now on, the standard in your life is "do the right thing. In every situation, do the right thing . . . do what God would have me do in this situation
Amen to that.
Last edited by yenko69; 09/21/0810:40 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
