I don't know Julia, I don't know that the van is eating me up. I didn't go cruising around town all night looking for where she is sleeping and I haven't in a while. It was just one more punch in the face. What I'm finding is that the less I care where she is sleeping and with whom, the less I care about getting back together with her.
In a lot of ways, I stand by my post from a while back where I characterized DBing in the presence of infidelity as having your spouse lie to you and betray you and gut you and in response, you put yourself under a microscope to figure out why you weren't good enough, work like a slave to make deep permanent changes in yourself hoping that the changes will entice your spouse into trying to build a new relationship and if you are in the small minority, you might even get an apology. Frankly, that sounds like a whole lot of co-dependency talking.
I spent some time over in MLC doing some reading. Over there, a lot of them are dealing with infidelity issues and they talk about MLC taking 2-5 years to play out. I guess that I'm just a big weakling compared to them, because I'm not willing to spend the next couple of years alone as a single parent hoping that she finally wakes up from the craziness she is going through and decides to try and work things out with me.
I've forgiven her for plenty already and I could forgive her for her current behavior and work on building a new relationship with her. I was in no way a perfect husband, but, I've changed and I've grown and I've become a better man and I've kept my vows and I've tried to work on things. She hasn't kept her vows, she hasn't tried to work on things and for all the months of MC, all she could ever talk about was what an awful husband and father I've been.
I'm not closing the door on her. I'm remaining open to the possibility that she will change her ways and want to work on a relationship with me, but, I'm not going to sit here waiting for her. Along the way, I'm restraining my wildest impulses and doing what I can to protect my kids.
These days, the information that I gather about her activities is not to convince myself that she is being unfaithful. The information is to be used only in the sad event that we divorce and that she turns nasty. If this happens, then I will point to the information about the last year and gently tell her that perhaps she should reconsider her position. I believe that her behavior over the last year would easily convince a judge to award me sole custody of the kids, no maintenance and her paying me child support. I don't want to have to do this as I don't think for a minute that this would be in the kids' best interest, but, I want to have it if it becomes necessary.
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I want to experience love and joy again, now, not is some indefinite future fantasy that is just a way of coping. I want life to be more than this pain and hurt and anger
You will, and it will I promise! It's hard to see now (I have to look very hard for myself) but I'm pretty sure it's out there somewhere, I just know I gotta do this first to find it.
Of course we will and I agree with you. I've got to do what I'm doing because my vows are important to me and because my W is important to me and my kids are important to me. In the past that was all of the equation. Now, I'm important to me too. I'm to the place of giving things one last shot after which, I'm pulling the plug and moving on with my life. I don't find it hard to see that I will experience joy and love and life again. I see it on the faces of people all around me.
