I think that I probably won't talk to her this week. It's partially because I'm avoiding it, and partially because I have a bunch of other things that are frankly starting to seem more important. I had a series of job interviews last Monday and on Friday heard back from them that they are going to hire one of their contract staff into that position, so that's a bummer. In the last couple of months, I've interviewed for 4 different positions and they've all fallen through. Hopefully on Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll have an interview with the company my friend is working for and this job will be mostly remote, working from home or the coffee shop on the laptop. I also really want to talk to my IC before I talk to her and my son's birthday is coming up on the 7th and I really don't want to screw up his birthday. So, I will probably wait a couple more weeks.
All that said, W went to a concert on Friday night. On Saturday afternoon, I was driving through our little town to go and get lunch at Taco Bell and what do I see, but, my van parked outside some house. Now, on one level, it's nothing that should bother me and could be completely harmless and if there ever was a night that you might not want to drive home it would be after a concert. I can tell myself that kind of thing all day long, but, it still bothers me.
I'm really getting tired of all this. I'm finding it harder and harder to care about wanting to work things out with her. I'm angry and hurt and I've worked my behind off making deep identity level changes. The longer this goes on, the more I want to turn my back on her and walk away and never have anything to do with her again. Why would I want to in any way have even a friendly relationship with someone who is willing to treat me this way? My kids are the only reason. If it wasn't for the kids, I think that I would turn my back on her and try and forget the last 18 years. I know this is only something born out of the hurt and anger, but, that's as real as the love is and was too.
I want to experience love and joy again, now, not is some indefinite future fantasy that is just a way of coping. I want life to be more than this pain and hurt and anger. I want to move forward and yet I'm caught between my responsibility and my desire to move on. You can all relate I'm sure to how many times I deny my desire and choose responsibility when I'd rather say F responsibility.
Wow, interesting how from the beginning of this post to the end my attitude shifts from I want to wait a while longer to screw it, I'll file this week. Once again I'll be choosing responsibility and I won't file this week, and I'm not going to go screw around or get a NG, at least not this week.
