Okay lodo - (warning very long post) here is a The X's life post-D...
The X:
> He was with the same company. Very very smart - rising star technically. He is s German electrical engineer that specializes in software. And he epitomizes the German engineering standard. Just before our D - he was able to bring in work from a different branch of the company - which saved jobs at his place - all this while I was struggling b/c of the carpet bombing thing.
> He started and completed an executive MBA at Northwestern after our D.
> Continued to travel - went to Egypt shortly after our D.
> Just googled him yesterday. He has really moved up two levels in management
> He is remarried - married another Indian.
Really looks so sane and wonderful life on the outside.
What do I know about The X. He suffers from depression. I know no matter what he has he is not happy. I know he sleeps a lot on weekends b/c of the depression. He gets angry if you want to do something - he is always tired. He is terrified of what other people think of him - so needs to craft a paletable image at all times. The X always needed the world to think we were a happy couple - even when our M was crumbling. Image was everything to him. Image is what he used to cover up lack of substance. We lived with elephants in the living room - but when we went out - no one knew... He continued that after our D. He was in a 10 year R before me. He repeated the same pattern with me that he had with her. He will repeat the same pattern with his W. I know after his R with LTR before me - he shut out all emotional stuff about her - except anger. He stuffed it and showed nothing. At the same time - we never went to their favorite restaurants or stores. I am sure he is even more limited now - if he is avoiding everywhere we went!
Me on the other hand cares about Substance over Image...
> After The X moved back in after bomb #3 - I was laid off from large patent boutique. It was my fault - I was much more reactive and said something politically unpaletable to a partner. They needed to cut back - I gave them what they needed to justify letting me go. They informed me that they had "accepted my resignation" the next Monday. No - I did not resign. LOL!
> I struggled for months to find another job. And landed a job with a large firm breakaway firm - The Nutty Partner. The X dropped bomb #4 on my first day at work. The Nutty Partner fired me w/in a year b/c he thought I was trying to steal his clients. Perhaps I could have been more politically savvy... My D was final the day the political brown stuff hit the fan... and I was let go 3 weeks later. I felt like a failure. Also b/c I knew I was behind on my work b/c well I was going through a D ... I felt like I deserved it.
> I struggled to find a job - economy on its way down. I finallly found a job with a large general practice firm based out of Indiana. I was becoming a grown up attorney - it was purely political. This was 2-3 years post D - I was stronger. I walked out and started my own firm. Substance was getting better - and it showed in my image.
I suppose 5 years post-D I am in a place where my post-D professional image is on par with The X's post-D professional image - but you know what is ironic - it just doesn't matter anymore...
And the other thing is after my D - I was afraid of what people thought and assumed the worst. Now 5 years post-D I am realizing my real friends supported me and believed in me through the good and the bad. I was wrong to not give them the benefit of the doubt.
Hang in there lodo. Don't assume that people are thinking the worst about you. The people that know you know better. Define yourself by what the people that believe in you say. There will always be people that are ready to believe the worst - do not define yourself by their words. It may even be jealousy. You have so much going for you - I am sure there are people that are all too happy to say that there may be something wrong with you!
I know easier said than done... This is all very recent and raw. Give yourself time to process it all. And if this work place is not working for you - and maybe you need a fresh start. Start looking for another job. Forgive yourself if you slipped a little or even a lot at work. I have been there - every single one of my friends have been there. If you need to take another incomplete - do it. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that this is a rough time and you need to go easy on yourself. It is okay. You are okay.
