Thanks ITH

I completly agree with you mentally but my heart feels broken. I am trying my best to stay calm and focus on the end result and not just what would feel good right now. I know that this time he has to choose me, and you are right, he has to choose married life in general.

I truly believe that once he starts pursuing me that it will be a really positive sign and that it will most likely mean that he is ready to really do this. I'm not saying there will not be issues and problems to work through. I just feel that once he finally decides what he wants he will do it wholeheartedly and after all that is what I really want anyways. Someone to make me #1 and who wants to be with me and is willing to do the work to make our relationship the best it can be. It's a tall order but I have faith in him, once he comes around, it will be for good.

Of course I am still struggling with thoughts of filing for divorce and walking away for good. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done but sometimes it sounds sooo good. I go to church today and see all these young married couples that look so perfect and in love, and I know looks can be deceiving, but the way some of the men look at their wives. It just makes me ache to have that too.

I'm not sure I ever really did. I know that people said my husband looked happier than they had ever seen him at our wedding and that I was a great influence on his life but I'm not sure he has given me that look that shows he understand the depth of our relationship or understands how lucky is to have me. Do I sound insane or does that make sense?

Well anyways. . .all I can really work on now is being a woman worthy of that kind of love and "look" so that is what I am trying to do.

I got a bunch of books from the library yesterday. Marriage books mostly. I know I should be GAL without thinking about the marriage but it is inevitable and if I am going to be thinking about it anyways it helps me to read books about working out problems and saving relationships. The one I started with talks about "toxic thinking" and how that can be the root of all evil in a marriage. Because what you self talk all day becomes the way you see reality and if it is toxic thinking it can really paint a horrible picture of your spouse which can cause you to treat them in a way you wouldn't normally, simply because of your perception of them. It's really good so far. I know I definatly have these kinds of thoughts about my husband from time to time. Mostly when we are arguing.

I had a bit of a break through last night as I was thinking this over. As I have said before the biggest problem my husband has with our relationship is the fact that we argue too much. And I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my expectations tend to start these arguments (classic "toxic thinking" actually) and then the way he reacts causes it to escalate. And I was trying to figure out a way to deal with these conflicts so that it does not lead to a massive blow out each time we have a problem (no wonder he avoids conflict and confrontation like the plague) and I realized that the reason I "flip out" is because when my husband shuts down or "stonewalls" me I feel like he might as well be screaming "I Hate You!" Even if that is not what he means it is the feeling that I get because my whole life the people I love but have trouble with we talk it out and even if we do not find a resolution to the problem we get out our feelings and talk it to death. This is the complete opposite of my husband way of dealing with problems. So I was thinking last night that even if we did not come to a solution to the problem if we could at least end the argument with some sign of affection, instead of silence and anger, I would feel better about not talking it out until 3am because I would know that while there is an underlying issue we love each other and are commited to our relationship. That would be infinatly better than crying myself to sleep thinking that my husband hates me because he won't talk to me.

Wow. . .long post. Sorry. Just a lot of thoughts stiring around in my mind. I feel the need to write a letter to my husband. I would not give it to him so nobody freak out on me \:\) It would just be a way to get some of these feelings out on paper that maybe we could one day, down the line, discuss together.

~Daisy