my story

[123snap]

I woke up this morning feeling very sad, I am fighting with myself not to call him. I got down to my computer and there is an email from him asking to take our son some place today. I am not sure why he didn't call, but I am also now remembering that he has a big run today, that he was planning for the morning so he is probably on that, and that explains the no reply. In fact he said he would be out of contact until 12.

I don't know why I am so sad in the mornings, we didn't have any special routines or anything, he was often up and gone before so it isn't unusual to wake up alone. I guess it is just he prospect of another day, alone, and dealing with the whole thing. I hate this, I hate it so much, it is not what I wanted not what I want for my life, I love him, how do I stop that, I love him so much, I don't want to carry a torch around forever, how could he just stop, he loved me, I know he did/does? but why isn't that enough, the day to day was good, we didn't bicker and fight about stuff, we parented great, we have had a lot of fun times, so many laughs, and now it is just gone like that wasn't important, like it never happened. I think that is the crux of the matter, I feel like the marriage failing makes all the good stuff worthless because they led to nothing, okay not nothing we have two great and wonderful kids who make me so happy, but it is the coupleship that I am talking about here, our memories, and the fact that we won't be sharing them with each other in the future.

I want him to come home, but I am trying so hard not to hang my hat on that plan because it hurt me so much when he did come home and then it didn't get better, for what ever reason, I could make a list of the whys and make plans for that to change, but .... these aren't productive to me being alive for me and moving forward in my life. I need to be happy, I have been sad and on edge for 2 years and I am tired of it, I have made excuses for sticking with it and waiting the whole time, all along knowing I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but hopeful that he would come around, despite us not working together, I thought it would only take time for him to heal, beat the depression, work on himself with his counselor and that it would get better, and for over a year we skated along pretty well, slowly working together, but not quite making it. Then this summer it began to fall apart again, but we wanted to finally work together and I thought that would be the difference, I trusted our love was there, but I don't think we really did a lot of work, mostly talking about issues of moving forward and a few about the past, but not working on coming together, it was a more air your dirty laundry time. I am tired of being alone, feeling alone and unloved, with someone next to me in bed, what a huge gulf that is.

yes I love him and would still love to put it back together, provided the real work is done, but I don't want to spend years and years on this to no end. I want to feel happy, all the way through, not just some of the parts.