I have read through your thread...very interesting...very touching...it made me cry...I know how you are feeling as I dealt with some medical issues alone and was so confused how H could be so cold to someone he had professed to love for over 25 yrs...
This is what I see...you have not been at this for a very long time...relatively speaking...I know to you it seems like an eternity...I think you do need to detach...take care of you first...then son...and let H do what he is going to do...I do think where son is involved you should seek H's help when you need it...be good parents together...
As for hugs...I know that delema well...I wanted them so badly but knew H gave them only for me...not for himself...they actually made him cringe but he did it anyway...my IC and my sister told me that if I just kept hugging him eventually he would start to feel okay withit...and in time he seemed to relax...so if you YOU want it...and he is at least willing...then take the hugs...
I always say there is always hope as long as no one remarries...even if a divorce occurs...in one sense my H wanted the D because it represented the end to what he saw as an ugly marriage...he wanted a new one although he didn't come out tell me this till much later...
For you...I think you really need to put the focus on your health...positive thoughts for you...being happy (although I think I would be very very careful with the alcohol as it can have some pretty negative effects both mentally and physically) maybe stick to red wine coolers...or take your time sipping a nice glass of red...it has the health benefits and in moderation is good for you...I know it feels good to get the buzz but your health and emotional state really need your focus...
I don't see that all is lost...but I am not going to give you false hope...I think as long as you stay safely detached...and uninvolved with anyone else you are in the best position for both your self and H...I know it feels good to flirt...but when you mix that with alcohol you really really need to be careful...you have a lot of healing whether H returns or not...you don't need to add another pain to yourself...
So keep doing what works for you...what makes you feel good...and find your own happiness with yourself...this might be the very key to H loving you again...I know for me it was...I never thought I would be on my own as long as I was...I almost took the bait with someone else when I became emotionally involved with them...I realized, thank God, that I was not truly over H and backed off...but it still hurt him and me...it wasn't too long after that that H started his return...it was the hardest time...the roller coaster got really wild then...and that is why I tell everyone while they are their own to work on themself...become who they want and who they are happy with...be settled with your life...because if the spouse comes home you will need even more of the patience, guts, mental stamina, and all the other lessons learned then ever before...
As for your little white lie...it is done...I would not recommend that one again although you got to see that there was something there...when my male friend called me late at night when H was there, H could have cared less...he didn't even indicate it would take him time to get used to me being with someone else...he really gave me the indication he did not care at all...so I see more for you then I had for myself...
Just remember...you first...son second...from there you do what you can...stop and smell the flowers, watch the ants on the sidewalk, feel the sunshine, listen to the wind and the birds singing...look up at the moon and the stars...this will feed your soul...and when that is good everything else will fall into place...
You are doing good...take care of you...and please let me know how things are going...I too have a tumor on my ovary but have not gone to see Dr. about it yet...it showed up during an MRI to check my spine after a vehicle accident...more to deal with but things are good so this won't get me down...my life is full of hope, love, and happiness...and that is the best medicine...
