I disagree with your assessment (that it's "gone horribly, horribly wrong." By what standard? By how LIVID your wife is?
That's not the standard anymore, and needs to never be again. From now on, the standard in your life is "do the right thing. In every situation, do the right thing . . . do what God would have me do in this situation (and, if so inclinced, ASK Him, and pray for strength if need be)."
I used to do things worried about "would it make her made." I was totally co-dependent on my wife's feelings toward me, and tolerated way too much b.s.
I suspect you're the same way.
Yes, you could have handled things more calmly, but everything you said, needed to be said.
Even Jesus threw over the moneychangers' tables, and lost His temper. Sometimes it's time for a little RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.
Let her sit. DON'T RESCUE. For the first time in a long, LONG time, she now has to deal with the fallout, and the consequences of her destructive choices.
