God give me the patience and the strength...7

[MidwesternGirl]

This is still "new" what your H is going thru. You really do not know if he will/will not come home.

Many of us here who are posting have had our spouse's gone two+ years!!!

You have either got to be patient and accept things as they unfold day by day, or if that is what you really want to do (D), then that is your choice.

[theotherhalf]

MWG, it seems like years since my H was here laughing with me. Kissing me. Sleeping in our bed together.

I know that many of you have been at this a long long time. It's just so hard to deal with it all alone.

I absolutely do not want a D. I love this man with all my heart. Even with all his faults and all that has been done over the last couple of years. Again, that doesn't change. It's just that I am so tired...and I really am starting to see us losing everything one piece at a time. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm frustrated, I am just so tired...

[theotherhalf]

talk about confusing...

sat night 11:45 H calls. He had just left the cabin (supposed to stay with B's and BIL's). He said he was on his way home. Next thing I know he is pulling in the drive. I laughed and went out to the truck. We talked a few minutes then he said "well I better get for home". I asked if he wanted to stay he said no had to get home. I said okay and he left.

Sun am he showed up here at 7 am. He asked if I'd come help him get the combine ready to go. I told him I wanted to go to church so wanted to wait till after 11 to haul it. He said okay. Well needless to say, lost track of time and didn't make it to church. So I hauled the head over and he drove the combine. When we got back we worked a little out in the barn yard. I went into the house and he was in here taking off his boots. He went into the living room, took off his shirt and socks and laid on the couch. He slept all afternoon into evening. (he's wore out from lack of sleep and being sick so I left him sleep). He woke up around supper time. He ate. Put his shirt on like he was going to go home. Ended up laying back down. Finally at 10:30 I asked "well are you staying there or are you going home? If your staying I'm locking up". He said "no, I'm staying". I locked up and went to bed. Hard to sleep when he's in the next room on the couch.

This morning he got up. Ate breakfast. And worked around here all morning. I guess he left for home around noon.

He called a little bit ago just to chat.

Awhile back I had told him that the seed dealer was in and wanted to know if he wanted to pre-order seed for next year. BIG question as he doesn't even know if he's farming next year. Been really talking of quitting. I told H and left it at that. Today the guy come in to the store and asked me if he had decided. I asked H tonight. He said yea, tell him to order me the same as I used this year. I said okay and left it at that. So...today...he is planning on farming next year...

A part of me wanted so bad to say to him yesterday..."H why are you here? What do you want from me? What do you think, that my heart is made of wood? If you want a D, why are you here????

But, still I stayed. Just enjoyed his company.

[WCW]

toh, it sounds like you are more involved and supportive of H and the farming activities. H notices and appreciates that. Is that correct?

I oscillate on how to plan for the future ranch activities when I never quite know what the future will bring with H. His usual line most recently is 'nothing different than before'. I want to scream back at him 'BEFORE WHAT?! then get back in our bed and come home and help me work here and get your head out of the dark places and see the sun shine!!' I don't. I nod and proceed with business as much as I can.

You are creating new and pleasant memories with your H. Keep doing that.

[theotherhalf]

toh, it sounds like you are more involved and supportive of H and the farming activities. H notices and appreciates that. Is that correct?

I am trying to be more involved. Trying to help more. Kicking myself for not doing more before. I don't know if he appreciates it or he's taking advantage of me. Don't know if any of what I am doing matters one iota. He does thank me. That is something he started doing way back.

You are creating new and pleasant memories with your H. Keep doing that.

Damb I'm trying. Not just for H but because I enjoy doing the farm stuff with him.

After spending the day and night here Sunday. He now seems to be avoiding me. Except for phone calls. He called again tonight. But this conv. didn't go so well. We got to talking about money, lack of. I told him Sun am that there was no money in the household account and I haven't paid any bills this month. He acted as though he didn't hear me or care. Tonight money got brought up again. He misunderstood the other day. Tonight he got it and didn't like it at all. I tried not to show my frustrations. I tried to be supportive. He said he'd get a second job. I said how, you don't sleep now. I wanted so bad to say COME HOME but I didn't. I dropped off a print out of the checkbook when I went in to get N14. He said "I don't need that, I don't care." I said, "I just don't want you to think I am hording or spending the money up" he said "I know your not".

I told him that this morning I just told myself that we'll hang on as long as possible. Then file for bancruptcy. Everyone else does. (OW did right before they got together). He didn't like that at all. (before MLC he hated it that people did this when he worked so hard to pay his bills). "No we are not doing that, that's stupid" he said. I said "well then we're going to have to end up selling the place". He changed the subject and I let him.

this is so frustrating...

[theotherhalf]

Yesterday we got a load of "flyash". It's a coal by-product that's cheap and turns hard like cement. Been trying to get H to try this for years. We've got a barn stall that is too low and is nothing but a water/sh*t hole and couple of other places too. finally the other day out of the blue he says to get a load. Anyway. We got the load and he spread what he could with the tractor and loader before I got home from work. Then when I got home, I worked at it with the shovel. Damb! I'm tired and sore! But it looks soo good and ANOTHER accomplishment!

So I didn't sleep well last night. I think the money thing is the biggest reason. I am torn. I feel guilty that we (me and the girls) are such a "burden" to H. That he may have to work a second job. That I feel like I should do something more to help pay the bills. And yet DAMB him! It's his fault we are in this boat in the first place. It's him that quit on us. It's him that decided to go live somewhere else. I work full time plus still here for the girls every night. And am doing what I can to keep this place up.

I wanted to address something that someone said the other day. People here keep telling me that H is still early in this MLC. That confuses me. I realize that everyone is different but, these seem to be the "norm" or the common sitches...
LIN: H left 2004 Saffie: H A 1/05
Ret. 2006 remarried 9/06

JenJam: bomb 9/05 New attitude: bomb 4/07
R 10/06 R 4/08

NikB: bomb 10/06
piecing 7/08

These sitch's seemed to last 1-2 years that the spouse is actually "gone". That seems common by reading this board and others. So why is it you keep saying my H is early in this? Is it because of his actions, of where he seems to be at in his MLC?

[theotherhalf]

H was here when I got home yesterday. He had just finished mowing hay. He walked to me as I was getting out of the car. I waved. He smiled. He came into the house. He was in a sort of good mood but had an attitude with me. I kind of gave it back. (we were both being sarcastic I guess you could say). He didn't stay long, said he was tired.

I mowed lawn till dark. It takes me 3 hrs!! Anyway I called H about 9:15 as he would be getting up for work. I wanted to tell him to check on the electric fencer as the calves were reaching their heads through the fence. He was being very short. Told him about a guy calling to talk to him. "K" he said. Ticked me off. So I said, "sorry I bothered you, just wanted to relay those messages, have a good night" and I hung up.

I am trying not to think too much about all this but DAMB he drives me crazy! Sunday he spends all day and all night here. Then since he is avoiding me like the pleg and his attitude makes me think he is up to something with OW again. Otherwise why the attitude! Why the avoiding!

Last night I told myself that I'll be dambed if I call him again! For anything! He wants to be left alone, fine! I am so tired of being treated with such disrespect!...well that's how I feel today, we'll see how long it lasts...

[MidwesternGirl]

The timeline is different for everyone but they say go back one year from the time you find out about the A or something to that nature.

Yes, these men are gone about 2+ years - some less, some longer.

Mine has been gone over two years now.

[glamgirl]

TOH I wouldn't call your h about the little stuff. I am sure you do it to keep some kind of connection going. I wouldn't bother. He wants to be left alone, everytime you call him it's like he has to start that process all over again.

It's kind of like what does she want now. Can't she just leave me alone. That is what runs around in their heads. You are not giving him the space and breathing room to miss you or to know what he gave up.

Let him do all the calling, but my guess is you will always find some reason to call him.

All MLC's are different and you can't put a timeline on it, but you sure can prolong it by meddling.

[theotherhalf]

Honestly Glam, your right. Up until recently I did search for whatever I could to call him. Just to talk to him because I missed him, or to see where he was, or what he was doing. Now I really DON'T want to call him. I want him to miss me. I want him to realize what he is giving up. But in our sitch it's tough. We still farm, we have 2 girls, we share all financial as before, there are so many ties to each other. It's tough to make it through 1 day without contact for some reason. Ex: last night with the fencer, I called him because I NEED the fencer back. The cows and calves have figured out that there is no electricity to it. They will get out eventually without it.

Mwg, I would almost say in my sitch H started his MLC at least 2 years before A. It seems he has followed the "script" to a T. But weird the last few days. He is obsessing about how "fat" he is. He's not fat. That is something that happens Early in MLC isn't it? He did all the stuff in the beginning like buy new clothes, changed music he likes, new tastes in food, the harley, new friends, heavy drinking, childish daredevil behaviour, all of it...Is he going back? To the beginning?