Yes Jen. I know you are right. I am doing my best to GAL. In a little while I am gonna go out to lunch with a friend and when I get back I am going to work on writing for a few hours.
If that DAM doesn't wanna talk then fine! We won't talk!
Well I was gone a lot longer than expected. I had a good time with my friend. So it was a good GAL day but now my rollarcoaster is back down again. . .
I went to the library today instead of the bookstore and the building my old apartment is in shares the parking lot. So that was hard. Really hard. I saw that no one lives in ours yet. Made me want to rewind even more. I got all teary in the parking lot. I hate feeling sad about all this when it feels like I am out of control. It just brought back a lot of memories.
Another day with no contact from him. I can't believe it. 4 days go by and not a peep.
I know I should think of this as a good thing. I am strong for not reaching out, gives me time to GAL, yada yada.
I just want my hubby back.
He does drive me nuts and doesn't make sense to me sometimes but I love him dearly and life without him is making me insane! I just want to tell him I am sorry for not respecting him on Tuesday and that I really do want to find a way to deal with our problems. I can negotiate. I can be a nice wifey. Love me? Please?
For what it's worth someone else, I think JCJ, had an appointment with a DB coach who said that the younger the WAH, the more likely he is to last longer without making contact. So it's probably completely to be expected that this is taking him a bit longer than you would have liked.
I also want to call my H every day and tell him that things can change etc. This only makes us weaker in their eyes though, and reinforces the fact that they can just have us back when they want us back. I know 4 days seems like hell. If you can, try to think of it as building up credit and credibility though. I know the GAL thing and being told to work on yourself can get old when you're feeling this low even though of course it's important. I'm right there with you. So if you can at least think of this time as making progress in your sitch, it might help a little bit. Think about it, if you WERE to reach out to your H, would it help you in your end goal of reconciliation? My guess is that it would not, and it would put you back at square 1. Remember that your H is deciding not only about you but about whether he wants to be married at all. This is like my H too. So, even if you can convince them that you are the best thing out there, they don't want to feel pressured about the commitment itself. Try as much as you can to be the amazing person that you are and that will pull him back to you. Think about how you will respond when he does reach out and how calm and serene you are going to be from now on.
Hope you feel better soon,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I completly agree with you mentally but my heart feels broken. I am trying my best to stay calm and focus on the end result and not just what would feel good right now. I know that this time he has to choose me, and you are right, he has to choose married life in general.
I truly believe that once he starts pursuing me that it will be a really positive sign and that it will most likely mean that he is ready to really do this. I'm not saying there will not be issues and problems to work through. I just feel that once he finally decides what he wants he will do it wholeheartedly and after all that is what I really want anyways. Someone to make me #1 and who wants to be with me and is willing to do the work to make our relationship the best it can be. It's a tall order but I have faith in him, once he comes around, it will be for good.
Of course I am still struggling with thoughts of filing for divorce and walking away for good. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done but sometimes it sounds sooo good. I go to church today and see all these young married couples that look so perfect and in love, and I know looks can be deceiving, but the way some of the men look at their wives. It just makes me ache to have that too.
I'm not sure I ever really did. I know that people said my husband looked happier than they had ever seen him at our wedding and that I was a great influence on his life but I'm not sure he has given me that look that shows he understand the depth of our relationship or understands how lucky is to have me. Do I sound insane or does that make sense?
Well anyways. . .all I can really work on now is being a woman worthy of that kind of love and "look" so that is what I am trying to do.
I got a bunch of books from the library yesterday. Marriage books mostly. I know I should be GAL without thinking about the marriage but it is inevitable and if I am going to be thinking about it anyways it helps me to read books about working out problems and saving relationships. The one I started with talks about "toxic thinking" and how that can be the root of all evil in a marriage. Because what you self talk all day becomes the way you see reality and if it is toxic thinking it can really paint a horrible picture of your spouse which can cause you to treat them in a way you wouldn't normally, simply because of your perception of them. It's really good so far. I know I definatly have these kinds of thoughts about my husband from time to time. Mostly when we are arguing.
I had a bit of a break through last night as I was thinking this over. As I have said before the biggest problem my husband has with our relationship is the fact that we argue too much. And I posted a couple of weeks ago about how my expectations tend to start these arguments (classic "toxic thinking" actually) and then the way he reacts causes it to escalate. And I was trying to figure out a way to deal with these conflicts so that it does not lead to a massive blow out each time we have a problem (no wonder he avoids conflict and confrontation like the plague) and I realized that the reason I "flip out" is because when my husband shuts down or "stonewalls" me I feel like he might as well be screaming "I Hate You!" Even if that is not what he means it is the feeling that I get because my whole life the people I love but have trouble with we talk it out and even if we do not find a resolution to the problem we get out our feelings and talk it to death. This is the complete opposite of my husband way of dealing with problems. So I was thinking last night that even if we did not come to a solution to the problem if we could at least end the argument with some sign of affection, instead of silence and anger, I would feel better about not talking it out until 3am because I would know that while there is an underlying issue we love each other and are commited to our relationship. That would be infinatly better than crying myself to sleep thinking that my husband hates me because he won't talk to me.
Wow. . .long post. Sorry. Just a lot of thoughts stiring around in my mind. I feel the need to write a letter to my husband. I would not give it to him so nobody freak out on me It would just be a way to get some of these feelings out on paper that maybe we could one day, down the line, discuss together.
We definitely have a lot in common :). I am also finding it very challenging to do GAL activities that are not related to the marriage. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing though if you are being productive, learning about yourself, and feel like you are making progress.
In terms of writing letters, I do this ALL the time; I just don't send them. What has helped me there recently is to actually take a close look at the things that my letters say, and see whether there are insights there that I feel WOULD help me with my end goal if they were shared. If so, I figure out ways that I can convey these messages without sending the letter. For example one of my never-sent letters tells H that things are different with me now, that I am so much more laid-back than I used to be, and that it would be easier to be around me. So, I need to SHOW that I am laid-back instead. I know this is hard when contact is limited, but this just means that things take longer, not that they are not possible. In my case my H noticed ALL of my changes, even though he has only seen me once in the last 6 weeks. Another thing I wanted to emphasize was that I never appreciated him like I should have. So, now I take EVERY opportunity, even though it's only by IM and email to heap on loads of praise. This is still conveying the right message.
Daisy, I am sure your H will contact you, even if he doesn't pursue as much as you would like. I would guess that he is just cooling off now. When he does reach out, you will have a great opportunity to show him a different side of yourself. I STILL think you have a lot of positives in your situation. This was just a setback, but it seems to me like you are learning from it.
I found something on Friday that has REALLY helped with my PMA, something that has really helped me to feel like I am not totally lacking all control over the situation. If you scroll down to the 3rd post by Bowtech after going to the following link, there is a multi-page post on the "special as-if model". I have been reading and re-reading it religiously all weekend, and this is the first weekend where I have not felt completely like I was falling apart. Hope it helps...
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I will try to tackle that post another day. I've been reading all morning and I'm kinda burnt out with it
Again no contact from my husband. Day 5. . .
Tomorrow I go back to work so it will at least be a little easier to ignore the fact that is is ignoring me. Then I have Tues and Wed off but I have other things that need to get done. GAL type things.
The only thing I can do is hope and pray that all this time "dark" is giving him time to evaluate things and decide what he wants to do. Which I know is probably a repeat but I am really trying to make it stick in my brain so I don't go off the deep end. The longer he takes the more he must be thinking. Right? If he had already reached a decision he would have said something. Right?
I just hope he hasn't done anything stupid. ie found another girl to take his mind off of things. I don't think he would do that but if he is really upset still who knows what he is capable of. I certainly don't. I never thought that he would not speak to me for 5 DAYS!
I know I am turning into a basket case. I'm trying not to. Really I am.
In truth I don't even know how to react when he does contact me. Right now I think I would want to rage and ask why he took so long to talk to me again. I would probably just be happy that he was reaching out. Depends on the medium as well. Text? Call? Email? Random visit?
I got myself all worked up today because some guy came and dropped something off on the porch and my dogs were going nuts and for a fleeting moment I thought "what if he sent me flowers to say he was sorry" I tried to shake it out of my mind but could not go back to reading until I got up and looked. It was the qwest guy dropping off a doorhanger advertisment for faster internet. . .
Grrr! No expectations I know. Put away the 2x4. I need hugs now.
I am reading a book right now called Love Must Be Tough and it is kinda like DR but from a Christian author (Dobson if you know about him) and it talks about the WAS as feeling trapped and that you need to let them out of the cage before they will return to you. When they are in the cage they are just thinking of ways to get out but once the cage door is opened they have to stop and question whether or not they really want to leave the relationship or not.
Hopefully that is what my husband is doing right now. Wondering whether or not he really wants out.
Hey daisy...just thinking of you. Hang in there you're doing great.
Dobson is the creator of the "dobson letter". I haven't read the book but the letter format is great although it's a LRT I believe. There was a poster called Minkerman who wrote his W one and it paid off in his sitch since he's in piecing now.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Oh yes. I just read about that in the book. I don't see it doing much good in my sitch. At least not right now. It also seems like the goal is to get the wayward spouse to go to counseling and I have been there, done that.
I just got off the phone with my friend. Who called primarily because I said I was about 2 minutes away from calling my husband. She said I should hold out at least another week.
I just feel like this whole thing is a game of cat and mouse and just a power struggle which is not healthy for marriages. But what else can I do? Call it off? Then I "give in" and "lose"
