I saw your comment about recognizing my xw's dumping of relationships to streamline. I think this is common in people who have used work as a way to overcome difficulties in relationship skills. Why be patient with something you feel unsure at or makes you feel inept when you have this other thing you can really shine at? Of course that outcome is as bad as the one I find myself in - dumping work to focus on relationships. My standing and the perception of the value of my work has suffered because of my focus.
My power couple friends all talk about struggling to balance the two. And I think normally you go through phases of feeling more inept at one than the other as you face challenges in each area.
In my head, the label marriage meant that I no longer had the option of dumping the R. That is where your xw - didn't get that she had already made a commitment that she needed to honor.
In my case, now that there are no labels to bind me - I find myself very wary of trying to do both again... Perhaps cautious is not a bad thing. And in a strange way - since I have gotten over the end of my marriage and for the most part have a good life - I feel very hesitant to introduce anything that may change what I have... I value the predictability and stability.
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She also told me that her biggest problem was projecting onto others what she least liked in herself. It was easier for her to reject people when she could recognize in them some small aspect of something she really hated about herself. I don't know how you feel about that, but it gave me a lot of food for thought. I hadn't examined my own reactions that way, but I find it to be helpful.
Thank you for sharing your friend's story. It resonates with me - even the 5 year part. I agree with your friend about projection. I could see it when The X did it - it is tougher recognizing it when I do it myself...
Yesterday at the fundraiser - when one woman found out I was single - she said "wait here - I want you to meet someone." It was so reflexive - I am not even sure how I did it - I bolted. Of course alcohol always makes it easier to give into one's natural inclinations.
However today when I volunteered today at the food distribution center - the head person was my age, attractive and did not seem to be wearing a ring. I didn't feel claustrophobic today b/c I felt like I had my space. We worked together and we talked but I didn't feel any pressure... I am not sure if I even view him as someone I would date - I don't feel like I have to decide that today.
Who knows maybe The Block is a filter and when men that I am comfortable around come around - I don't feel the urge to run away. And the creepy ones are filtered out.
I know I am rambling - b/c I haven't figured it out yet...
Thanks for your very insightful post. It really did help me.
