Hey lodo:

I am glad you are able to set boundaries with xw - i.e. the phone call. During my own D mess, The X was a carpet bomber and use to move in an out the last 2 years of my M - lost count how many times - definitely over 7 times w/ 4 major bombs. I had told The X that I was willing to talk about working on our M until the day the D was legal. Mine became legal on the day it was signed at a status conference. I have not spoken to him since. At first there is a void - but as far as I was concerned - The X was the past and I needed to make it so and that worked for me.

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Work is crappy. I'm taking the fall for some things and getting a type of demotion. Maybe it's better, I'm not sure yet. I'll go along and see how things work, and if it doesn't work for me or my pay is cut, I'm outta there.


I went through a similar phase with respect to work. It takes efffort to put an R first over work. It is even more work doing that when an R is crumbling. It took its toll on my work. My work was not as great as usual and well playing politics right is often more important than the substance of your work. Sometimes people that may have never been on your side leverage that you were off a little to make you the fall guy. Normal people give other people a break when they know they are going through a tough time.

Go easy on yourself. Let go of what might have been if you had had the right state of mind to excel at work during the M crumble period. This is a new beginning for you - you will make it all come together in a way that works for you.

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All this has swirled around in the last few days to shove me towards closure. Also to re-examine who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm headed. How sad that I don't have a better idea - it's time to figure it out.
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I'm feeling defeated right now. Not so sad anymore - the D was great at slamming me towards closure - but definitely feeling defeated. And unsure of what happens next, though I'll put a brave and confident face on and go forward.

Sometimes what's hard about making choices isn't the choice itself, but the decision to make the choice. I find the D has spilled over into everything else so that now I really need to define who I am, not to others but to myself. I guess it feels a bit like I'm at the base of a mountain and the journey up seems daunting. I know I can do it but I need to start.


You are fine. This is normal. I thought that surviving the big D was just about getting over The X. But really the whole M infrastructure is gone - the hopes and dreams you had while you were M are gone.

So you have to start slowly thinking about what you want to do and where you want to go. I felt very lost and directionless - well you know how I need to see a path! You will find a path - you ponder/experiment with different options and eventually find one that feels right again.

Someone wise posted to me that it is okay to not always clearly see a path... Give yourself time - you will get up that mountain. Don't look at the top of the mountain - just the next step in your hike to the top. You will see the trail as you ascend.

Please take it easy on yourself for a little while. Offload all that you can and do the minimum when it comes to the angst stuff. And be kind to yourself - do some things that help you recover b/c you deserve it.

take care,
AG