Have you read the DB book? The no relationship talk thing is because most of us have talked about the R at so much that not talking about it is a 180. I'm not saying you should start barraging her by begging, pleading and focusing on nothing but the R, but it kind of sounds like she may not be completely aware that you are serious about rethinking things.
I swear if it weren't for the fact that you have two boys and I only have 1 girl I would think you were my H only I don't think he has any regrets the way you do. I tried very hard to work on myself the last 3 or 4 months we were together, but he had completely "turned off" and chalked my changes up to me being a good actress. Then one day I came home from work and he told me he was leaving and then left...like right then. It was a huge shock and it rocked my world, but because you and I seem to have similar sitch's in an opposite kind of way I will let you in on my perspective nearly 4 months after he left. I'm not saying your wife and I are thinking the same thing but on the off chance she is even remotely experiencing the same thoughts I am it may help you understand her better.
For the first three months I was absolutely devastated...basically kissed his ass...seduced him...did favors for him...all of it. None of it worked...he just became more resolute in his decision...said having sex wasn't a good idea as it was too confusing. Anyway, around the beginning of the third month something changed in me and the time I spent thinking about how much I loved him and missed him turned to me thinking about how he had basically took off because he wasn't "happy" without any thought to how it would affect our daughter. She is taking this very hard and he has his head in the clouds about it and insists it's because I fill her head with crap. I can assure you...I do not even talk about it with her unless she brings it up during one of her crying fits. Anyway, as a result of me changing what I spend my time thinking about...my thoughts about him are a lot less charitable. I only focus on the bad which is good in the sense that it has helped me to buck up a bit and stop being so freakin pathetic. Sooooo...that said, what would change my mind about him now? Maybe a sincere effort from him to be kind, caring and ask about how I'm doing and D is doing without him constantly focusing on his feelings and how bad things are for him...I mean it's hard to feel sorry for someone that made the choice to leave. Make sense?
I think it's good you've realized it was a two way street for the two of you and that neither of you can take all the blame. I really think you should focus on being the more attractive option for her. What was it about you she had issues with? Figure out what that was and be different.....CONSISTENTLY.
