Trixi and His Highness

[Trixi]

I downgraded the venue and made it very clear to MG that this really is just a friend thing.

So stupid, really. I am going thru all these mental gymnastics and for what? Could be that when we actually hang out we don't get along. Who knows?

I am angry at my H for putting me in a position where I find it necessary to wonder what I should do. I shouldn't even need to think about this. I *should* be with my f'ing husband. GRRRR!

[Trixi]

Went on the non-date last night.

I did let him buy dinner, but then we went to a club and I bought the drinks.

I had a good time. It has been a LONG time since I've been at a place like where we went. Actually, I'll say a LONG time since i went with more of a single mentality. It was a pool hall, but had a dance floor and DJ. Most of the patrons were in their 20's I think. What was interesting to me was how friendly they were- guys and gals. When H and I would go out to places like that, I don't remember being paid that much attention to; a little bit, but nothing like last night. Probably just because I wasn't putting off the "I'm married" vibe. Anyway, it was nice to feel like if I really MUST go back out into the single world, it won't be totally horrible.

I'm supposed to go to a meetup picnic today..but the weather is looking kinda crappy. And I am starting to burn out.

*sigh*

Last time I heard from H was now 2 days ago with the "Still feel like poop" text. That's a pretty bad sign. Would have loved for him to have contacted me so that I could say "sorry, I'm busy at that time", but alas, no such luck. I am not going to contact him. Part of me wonders if I am being 'rude' with NC. If I assume he really IS sick, then shouldn't I at least drop a text asking if he is feeling better? Not to ask to get together, just to say "hey-hope you're feeling better". If he was a GF that had been sick for 4 days, I would be checking in to see how they felt...ugh-conflicted on what to do. He may be feeling that I am trying to 'punish' him by not sending him a text-especially since a week ago, I totally would have done that, so this is out of character for me.

[Sara]

IMO, I don't think it would hurt if, in a free moment, you called or texted him just to be sure he is still alive. But I wouldn't make any effort to prolong the conversation or turn it into plans for the next time you will meet.

[Trixi]

Thanks for that- I did TM
Me"Since you've been sick all week, thought I would check in and make sure you haven't kicked the bucket."
H "still feeling sick getting better though"
Me"well that's good. Hope you feel better all the way, soon"

nothing more. No "thanks" from him. .. no "would you like to get together on ____day?" nothing. nada. zip. I guess I shouldn't have said anything about hoping he felt better all the way... I would say that to a GF, though. Of course, a GF would say "thanks". Truth be told, I don't really believe him anyway. Should be interesting to see how long this "sickness" lasts.

[Changed Woman]

Hey, Trixi!

I am am in NO way an expert at this crap in fact I think I'm giving up on my own sitch but in spite of that...I have noticed that as soon as I stopped contacting H he started contacting me like crazy. It didn't happen right away...it took a couple of days. We had actually had a fight and he told me we shouldn't speak at all unless we had to talk about our D. I was at a point where I had had enough and thought...you know what...I give up! So I decided screw it...I'm going to honor his wishes. It took about 3 days but he called me at work and when I asked him what he needed he said he "forgot why he called"...whatever! Anyway the next day he called 3 times for stupid reasons...once to tell me his schedule changed at work...the next time to ask me if D was feeling better and the last to tell me not to drink and drive. Of course I screwed the whole thing up by drunk dialing him but I went right back to no contact and this time it was less than a day when he tried to start contacting. I avoided him for 2 days and by the time we talked he was pissed off and it seemed like he was trying to push my buttons to start a fight. Soooooooo...I guess what I'm saying is...enjoy GAL....try not contacting him at all....I assure you in a couple of days or maybe even a week he'll think...Uhh..WTF...she hasn't called me. Now..that doesn't mean that he will have realized his undying love for you, but it might put you on more of an even keel with him in terms of power.

The other thing to note is that my brothers came over to visit me today and they told me that the more you act like you don't want a guy around...the more they will want to be around. I asked them...why are men like that??? My oldest brother responded with "cause we're f'd up!" I didn't argue with him as I would agree. He elaborated and said that the male psyche always wants what doesn't come easy. This seemed to jive with what I've read in some books as of late.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling...keep your chin up girl! I totally relate to your frustration.

[Trixi]

Thanks CW.
I saw the song lyrics you posted- those were good.

The last time I spoke verbally to my H was Monday. And it was *maybe* a 5 minute convo. Since then it has been the 3 brief (VERY brief) text message exchanges.

At this point, I think that me reaching out to make sure he wasn't dead was enough. I think he is using 'sick' as an excuse to avoid me. Could be wrong, but doubt it. I think it was important for him to know I was concerned for his welfare. Now he knows I am not 'mad', per se.

So, I will leave him be. That's fine. I have plenty of other stuff to do.
I know Nik said not to get hung up on feeling liked I screwed up because of "timing", but it sure is hard NOT to beat myself up about it.

[Changed Woman]

I hear ya, my friend. I started getting paralyzed by fear thinking that maybe I had said something that had "ruined my chances forever" and would sit and go over and over conversations we had. It killed me....gave me a headache...made me sick to my stomach and ruined my outlook. Please stop beating yourself up....you don't deserve it.

Soooo....even though it was a non-date...was there any chemistry?

[Trixi]

Soooo....even though it was a non-date...was there any chemistry?

hmmm....
not enough to make me feel confused or anything. (Had there been a lot of chemistry, I would probably feel very conflicted and guilty.) So, actually, even though it might *seem* like it would be cool to have chemistry, I am glad there wasn't really any.

He did try for a kiss when we hugged goodbye in the parking lot. (And before anyone gets up in arms, I hug all my friends and even clients once I know them. It was one of 'those' sorts of hugs. Not a romantic hug.)

Even if I was no longer in limbo-land, I don't think I would want to exclusively date anyone at this juncture. It's been 13+ years since I've seen what's out there- don't want to cut off my options too soon. That, and I need time to heal. heh- of course, I know myself well enough to know that if I did feel a great deal of chemistry for someone, I probably would happily 'settle down'.

[Changed Woman]

Makes sense.

You know, part of my problem has always been that I'm attracted and feel chemistry with very few men. With my H it was instant and I've always been attracted to him....he just "does it for me". It's been so weird when I've been out in social situations lately because men have definitely taken an interest but I feel two things....one is I feel like to even think about another man would make me unfaithful and the other is that...well it's actually no feeling...I have sincerely not felt attraction to anyone and I'm scared I never will. Not only because I still love H, but because even before I met him I didn't get that butterfly in my stomach feeling for very many men.

[Trixi]

yup!
I totally 'get' what you are saying!!
I have had a couple crushes on guys thru the years, but it didn't take long for the shine to wear off and then they were just 'another guy'. Which was good, since I was/am married. LOL

It does make me 'worry' that I won't find someone else that I love like my H, but on the other hand- I don't like how my husband "loves" me. And maybe, if I was being really loved and cherished, *maybe* I could get the oogly googlys for someone else...maybe.

It's a quandry, isn't it?