Jimi - I feel horrible for you, but this does seem to be going down the way most of us thought it would.
Puppy makes a great point in that, how can you give her an ultimatum for terms for getting back together, if in fact, she hasn't made any real effort to get back together with you?
There is something that happens in a situation like yours, where you, the left behind spouse, are waiting in limbo and she, the walk away spouse, is waffling between the affair partner and the marriage partner. When this dynamic occurs, the walk away spouse cannot truly make a choice. They seem to be stuck in a quagmire of confusion. It seems that until either the spouse or the affair partner makes their OWN choice, the walk away spouse cannot move forward.
This is why everyone encouraged you not to let her eat cake. When you do this, she is literally unable to move forward and make a choice.
However, when you remove your slice of the cake from her equation, then she can make a real choice.
The left behind spouse doesn't want to do that, because they are always afraid that if they take away their cake, the walk away will forget about them and rush into the arms of the affair partner.
But that isn't actually what happens all the time....sometimes what happens is that the walk away spouse gets jolted back to reality when the left behind spouse takes away their cake. And ALSO the WAS finally has respect for the LBS again...this is a KEY toward her making a choice!! IE: How can she choose you if you are showing her that you will be disrespected by her with no consequences?
I know this whole thing is very unfair to you, and you have every right to be angry, heart-broken, etc.
But none of those emotions are going to resolve your dilemma right now. You need a counselor to talk through those emotions and deal with them.
The only thing you can do that may cause a change in the situation, is to tell her this (which is NOT an ultimatum, it is a boundary):
"Wife, I have given you your space, now I need mine. I am discusted and angry at what you have done to our marriage. I am no longer willing to date my own wife while she is dating/carrying on an affair with another man. I plan to assume you are not going to end your affair since you have made no concrete assurances that you have. Therefore, I have no choice but to get an attorney and get this ball rolling. I don't have anything else to say about it at this time, but I will be receptive to you if you have anything to say. Whether you do or you don't have anything to say, I am still speaking to a lawyer as early as possible".
That's it. That's all. That's the only thing that will possibly shake her out of her fog, and even that might not do it. But even if she does not shake out of her fog, at least she will respect you again.
