You hit the nail on the head Daisy! You can't be pushy or "controlling" let him do it at his own pace. It will be more meaningful when he does it on his own.
Yeah. It's starting to get through my head. What's keeping me going is the thought of how nice it will feel to be the pursued instead of the pursuer. I don't even know what that is like! But I bet it is nice. Maybe it will be easier for me to let go of some of my control issues if I don't feel like I am the one who has to be in charge of everything.
So I am THE obsessive planner. Not sure if you want to follow my lead as you have seen what a weird sitch I'm in, but I do like having lots of goals as it helps me to realize what I can have an impact on.
Basically I have 3 major goals, broken down into loads of mini goals that will indicate to me that we are moving in the right direction.
I think 3 major goals makes sense, and it seems to be the number of goals used in DR. In terms of him re-establishing contact, I'd say going dark has to be the one thing you can control to ensure that he does this. What would your other goals be?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
To be honest I think goal 3 might be pretty ambitious for the short term as the goals are supposed to be things that can be accomplished in a matter of weeks. I might phrase it something more like getting a clear indication that you and your H will move back in together.
In terms of the plan, what are the things that will show you that your H is willing/ready to move back in? Recommitting is also a pretty big step that you have as part of your plan. Instead could it something like he says that he HOPES that things will work out, or he starts making future plans with you?
Only saying this because I've gotten burned by setting some pretty big goals and getting disappointed when they weren't met. I now have smaller goals that will tell me we're going in the right direction, things like "H will call me a term of endearment." Then next to the smaller goals I list how I can influence them. In this example, it was me using funny nicknames with H and always joking around and being upbeat. The goal was achieved.
Hope this is helpful...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Goal 3 is probably a bit lofty, especially since he is not even talking to me at the moment! I will stash that one away for when we are a little further along.
It really seems to me that my hubbys biggest hang up is the amount of arguments we have. The other issues (common interests, time with friends, family drama, etc) could all be solved if we could just learn how to work out our problems without them turning into shouting matches (meaning me shouting, him shutting down) However I see that as a problem that I do not have a ton of control over. I cannot learn to fight fair for both of us. It is something we both need to commit to.
So I guess goal 3 would be more like:
Hubby starts to bring up future talk, includes me in his future plans, even if only in a vague way.
I don't know. Even that seems pretty far down the rain. A week ago we were on our way to the beach and everything felt right. Now I don't know anymore. If things had continued going upward I might have thought I was closer to reaching this goal but I still do not see this happening in a matter of weeks. I can only hope that right now we start talking again.
