Lyn, I haven't been in your sitch, but maybe C is a good idea? Yeah, I think you're right that your H needs to take responsibility for his actions and express some remorse, but it also sounds like you still have anger and haven't forgiven him so I think that with both of these occurring it would make R very difficult to work out. Maybe you could at least do IC to work on your stuff, and do you think your H would agree to MC or Retroville (didn't spell that right) but a lot of people around here find that helpful I know? Karen
I don't know if this will work for you, but it has sure helped me when I am feeling the anger, hurt or frustration.
First you need to realize that the major changes in the attitude towards you will not change overnight. With that being said I instituted a key word with my husband when he reverts back to saying or doing something thoughtless, we use "ouch". Instead of having to take a walk or calm down, I just say "ouch" and then he knows that what was just said or took place bothered me. It is really working, we are able to go back and discuss what was said or done later on when we are both calm and more importantly he immediately recognizes his negative words or behavior and he can consciously stop them. Since we started this about a month ago, his negative comments have decreased dramtically.
Hi all, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! It means so much to hear all your words of advice. W2H I like the "ouch" solution. I'm going to try that immediately! He actually came upstairs right after I posted my rant on the 20th and apologized and wanted to see if there was anything he could do to help. We have been going to C and I've been going to IC but they are NOT helping. I think they are making it worse. The C for us is focusing on his poor pitiful life and what caused him to cheat and there has been no talk about him taking responsibility and very little about how to make amends or whatever needs to be done to make our R work. Not to mention the incredible financial drain this has been. I've decided to dump my IC maybe I will find a different one. Last time I saw her I asked for guidance and help and she said, and I quote "Oh no I'm just here to listen" WTF! ! My friends listen for FREE. I'm reading "Divorce Remedy" again and think that will help a lot more now.
To respond to Puppy he supposedly has broken it off with OW and wants to work out our R, this week. This is after he was working on it (giving me a chance) from late March to Mid July, then at the end of July he said he definitely didn't love me and he wanted a D. (This happened after I returned from visiting a dieing relative) He said life was so great when I was gone that he was completely SURE it was over. I was truly relieved and said fine, we did this in front of the C and he was supposed to move out 4 weeks later. Every week that went by he found new reasons to NOT move and for me to move out (he travels 75% of the time at LEAST). Then I went away for a few days mid Aug since he was only to live in the house for a few more days and basically I took a ME break and he had quality time with the kids. When I came back he miraculously had a renewed love for me, said he never ACTUALLY said he didn't love me (YES HE DID) and wants to stay together.
I really wanted to keep our marriage together those first few months. But now I just don't know how I will get past the affair and the way he treated me the months from the time I found out. I do have a lot of anger. Maybe that's just part of the process. I just feel like I'm in limbo and it really sucks.
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
Hi just wanted to know if anyone has advice on the forgiveness part? I really feel at an impasse. . I know to move on we (I mean me) need to forgive but I can't (right now?). What he did is unforgivable, all the literature say it's not (you can have a much better relationship now) but for me it is. . . So is there anyone out there that felt the same and then was able to move on, forgive? Please let me know. . . .
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
Forgiveness is not a free pass. However, you need to do it for you or those feelings are going to eat you up. Look at it as a gift you give yourself...peace.
I think you can treat as an "as if". Each day take a deep breath and think of your H and say I forgive you. Eventually you will. Just don't make the mistake I did(H had an affair early on in our marriage and we never really dealt with it and it came back and bit us in the rear), so you need to deal with all the reasons and talk things out and work on it.
My thoughts are with you. Hugs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
We have been going to C and I've been going to IC but they are NOT helping. I think they are making it worse. The C for us is focusing on his poor pitiful life and what caused him to cheat and there has been no talk about him taking responsibility and very little about how to make amends or whatever needs to be done to make our R work. Not to mention the incredible financial drain this has been. I've decided to dump my IC maybe I will find a different one. Last time I saw her I asked for guidance and help and she said, and I quote "Oh no I'm just here to listen" WTF! ! My friends listen for FREE. I'm reading "Divorce Remedy" again and think that will help a lot more now.
Yeah, limbo sucks!!! What's helped me is I'm just focused on living a great life with the kids and moving on, and not really worrying (too much) about whether H will join me or not. I'll be fine. I'm mentally trying not to be in limbo, even though I am in limbo I guess.
Yeah, your Cs sound not very good. You need an MC that's more solution-oriented. Yeah, you can figure out all the crap about your childhood (everyone's had a rough one in some way I think) but what does that help? Nothing. I find my C does discuss options with me and offers advice, but she doesn't say you should do this or that which isn't good. I also find that most of the advice she gives me is the same advice I get here at DB!!! So I think that's another sign she's good!
I also think some Cs help you and some don't. Not even so much if they are good or not, but just their personality or whatever. H and I went to a MC that I HATED! He was kind of military style and let H get away with his crap, and I thought he was terrible. But H liked him and saw him after, and I switched to a C that is sweet and nice and more DB style and that was the right C for me. So I think it is def. valid to switch if you haven't found the right one yet.
I agree with Kat, forgiveness is for you. The anger and negative feelings you have will hurt you, so good to work on them for your sake.
Brokenhearted posted this really great post about LRT on my thread (page 4 I think), and here's part of it: It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that. I've been working on forgiving myself, both trying to accept H's many, many flaws and also praying each day for him to be healed. I find that praying for someone and praying for help in forgiving and not having anger helps a bit, too. Maybe harder to be angry at someone you're praying for I don't know. ((((Lyn)))) Karen
