H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam, MWG,
Thanks so much for checking on me! That is so sweet of you, especially with everything you have going on in your own lives at the moment!

I have been away from the boards for about a week, working on a couple of major projects for clients, but that is all taken care of now. I'm very excited, though, because one of the weddings I just finished working on is going to be featured in a TOP wedding magazine next year, and my work is ALL OVER this wedding! And both the bride (who works in the wedding industry herself, and sends me a LOT of business) and the team from the magazine covering the wedding (who, of course, see totally extravagant and over-the-top weddings every day in the course of their work), were extremely complimentary and impressed with my work! WOO HOO! I am so thrilled about this! Now I need to get my website fully operational so it is working to bring me more business ASAP, and definitely by the time the magazine feature comes out! :does little happy dance:

As far as the home front, there is not a whole lot of major news. H has stopped kissing me goodbye in the a.m. as of about a month ago, and has not initiated any touching since then. Sometimes he doesn't even bother to tell me/say goodbye when he's leaving. I was disappointed, but not surprised or devastated--at least it is more consistent with the rest of his behavior, even though it's not moving the direction I'd like.

H has not seen OW in a week and a half, to my knowledge--not since she drove in for the ball game last Wednesday (I assume from where she lives, five hours away) and they spent the night together in some hotel somewhere in town. The only thing he said about it when he got home the next evening was, "Well, we [meaning the home team] lost the game last night." Whatever, dude.

I would have bet money that he would see her last weekend, since there were no rehearsals for the show he is in, but he didn't; I guess the Wednesday ball-game thing was a substitute for that. Maybe she had some other commitment for the weekend. And this weekend, the serious rehearsal schedule begins for his show; as I understand it, they will be rehearsing three of the four days surrounding the weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon) every week until the show goes up at the end of October. I'm guessing he will be using up a lot of his vacation days during the weekdays since he obviously can't really travel on the weekends for the next five weeks, and H and OW haven't gone more than two or three weeks without seeing each other for months and months now. But you know what? It doesn't really matter that much to me. More of the same behavior from him. Nothing worse than he's already been doing for some time now. Pfffft!

I still love him, but I'm not "in love" with him, nor do I even like him right now (although I treat him in a "friendly neighbor" fashion to the best of my ability). However, I believe that could easily change if he returns from the mother ship. The thing I am still having a hard time with is my anger and unforgiveness toward him. I did get some insight about that the other day, though. Intellectually I know perfectly well that I MUST forgive him and let go of the anger, even if for no other reason than for my prayers to be heard, and for me to receive forgiveness myself, and definitely before he can work with me on our M/R. But emotionally I am having trouble releasing those feelings, because it FEELS like if I forgive him, that means that what he has done is okay, and he shouldn't be penalized for it, and I am absolutely NOT willing to say that it is okay. I can say "I forgive him" all day, but I don't know how to emotionally let go of being wronged. How do you get past that?

I pray about it all the time. I recently read in a Charlyne message that forgiving someone doesn't mean that they are "off the hook" for what they've done; it just means that you take them off YOUR hook and put them on GOD'S hook. That helps a little, but I don't really think it "counts" as real forgiveness as long as one is still angry with the other person, and I don't know how to get rid of the anger! I feel that I must be doing something wrong, because I know how important it is to forgive, and I want to feel better about the whole thing, but I seem to be stuck in this emotional dead-end, and I don't know how to get unstuck! Help!

Glam, I am doing some of what you suggest about acting as if there were no OW, and mostly have been doing so all along. You are right that there is a wall up, but I'm not really sure what to do about it. I have only pulled back from things (like touching him, calling him, doing things for him) to follow his lead--he stopped first, so I stopped in order to not be seen as pursuing. I still do plenty of things for him, but have to evaluate everything to see if it's "too much"--I still do his laundry, clean up after him, do some cooking for him (although he seems very reluctant to eat with me), do shopping for him, offer to run errands for him or help him with this or that, sometimes take on some of the chores that he usually does, like taking out the trash.... I try to keep my conversational offerings balanced on that razor's edge between "pursuing" and "cold shoulder," which is difficult because he usually doesn't seem interested in talking with me at all. I think yesterday I may have exchanged as much as ten sentences with him. Yes, eggshells are pretty deep in this house.

I really believe that I am called to stand, regardless of how long it takes, even the rest of my life...and I can do it, but boy, do I get tired of it sometimes, especially with him being right here with his cold shoulder and his avoidance of me and determination not to crack a smile or act friendly when it's just us, and his constant lies and prevarications and half-truths... I must admit that my bulimia has been flaring up again in the last few days. I had hoped that I finally had it under control, but apparently not yet. It comes and goes; obviously one of my symptoms of stress.

So many people in RL have encouraged me to put my foot down, issue a deadline or ultimatum or something, including my pastor and my IC, oddly enough. I know they don't understand why I am doing what I am doing, and maybe think I am out of touch with reality or some such, and they hate to see me hurting. Well, I hate to see me hurting too, but at the moment I think it is inevitable if I want to be able to look myself in the eye ten years down the road, regardless of the outcome. Besides which, will it really hurt that much less if I kick him out? I doubt it, because the pain comes from knowing he went back on his vows, is an adulterer and a liar and not at all the person I fell in love with, and doesn't love me any more. I have found it easier emotionally when he is not actually in the house, but whether he is here or not doesn't change those underlying things that are the real sticking point.

Sigh. I wear myself out sometimes talking about the whole sitch. Right now I really need to wrap up and go to bed, as I am supposed to be up in about two hours to get ready for a workshop I'm going to be attending this weekend during the daytimes, and tonight I am having dinner at the home of my college friend who got in touch a couple of months ago, whom I hadn't seen in fifteen years. He and his partner are having me over for a little barbecue...he was married but got divorced when he realized he was gay, about ten years ago, and he has been with his current partner for about eight years. I don't agree that D is the best solution in most cases, of course, and I do feel very sorry for his XW (eck...what a horrible situation for her!), but I'm not sure that wasn't the right thing to do in that situation...but I don't know all the details, and I don't consider it my business in any case. My friend and his XW have a D12, so I'm sure that makes things even more interesting.

Well, as usual, this got a lot longer than I intended! Thanks for your concern and wise advice and support! I will probably be posting more on other people's threads in a couple of days.

Peace!
Dawn