I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

It has been a heart wrenching day, we told our son, and he cried, just like our daughter did last night. One difference, H took responsibility for wanting the separation, he didn't use we, he just said it was his idea. H had a IC session today so I suspect she told him he needs to start taking responsibility for the situation.

I need to stop trying to change it, I have cried off and on all day, and I am tired of crying, hurting, and feeling despondant. I don't want to beg, and I have been so close to begging him, I know it won't work anyway. I was looking for a little support from him tonight and it wasn't there, he said he doesn't want to give me mixed signals and false hope so he would rather say nothing.

I think I need to find a way to move forward without him, and cross any potential bridges when and if I come to them. Last time in my heart I felt like we weren't done, this time, I honestly don't know, part of me is done, I know he feels done right now, but we have so much good history, lots of great memories and good times, that I just can't let go all the way. Perhaps the best thing is to wrap that part up in a little box and file it away under "?" and then it will be there if I feel like opening it up.

Usually fall is my favorite time of the year, but now I am dreading all the upcoming events, holidays especially, no gifts for me this year. These are the kinds of self pity thoughts that are running rampant through my head. I need them to stop. I just don't seem to be able to get a handle on them.

I don't know how to let go