I like your list of goals. I think it is VERY good. I just got out of zombie mode myself, so I TOTALLY understand what you are going through.
I do think in your case that it won't take too long before your H starts pursuing a bit again. Since you have always been the pursuer, he is going to get thrown off pretty easily by your lack of contact. If you can keep this up, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. In your post on my thread you mentioned that your H got angry when you didn't react to something the way that he thought you would. Don't be surprised if he's feeling a bit angry with you now, and if he potentially lashes out at you the next time he contacts you. If you can remain cool as a cucumber, I think things will get better. That is what I'm trying in my sitch anyway :). Let's do this together. Do you have your solutions journal? If not, I've found that this is a very good thing to focus on while in "zombie mode". It was the one thing I could really pour my energy into. Even on the days where there was no contact, I would just mark off those days, and mention things that I had learned such as feeling compassion, or realizing that H was angry because of X, not me. I am at 21 days now (I think) with no backslides, and even if things aren't where I would like them to be, this is a goal that I have met, and my next milestone is 30 days. It really does help to be able to monitor your own progress like this. It shows you what control you DO still have. You have control over all of your own actions, and it gets pretty amazing to see how you can control your own reactions even in the face of hell. Daisy, if I could remain outwardly calm while my H said being with me would be like being in jail, I KNOW that you can be calm when your H loses his temper. Try to think of him as a child. This helps me sometimes. He is like a child having a temper tantrum or like someone with Turrets syndrome who just cannot help the things he is saying.
Hope you are feeling better soon. If not, IMO it's OK to wallow in your misery for awhile. I know I've needed to do that!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am struggling a bit more today. Everything is reminding me of him and at first I am sad and miss him but then I think of the fact that he has ignored me for 3 days now and I get really angry which then turns to depression when I start to wonder if maybe I was the only one who cared about this relationship from the start. Ugh! I wish he would just get his act together so we could sort this stuff out.
I have just been realizing over the past few days how much stuff he has to work through personally so that we can start to work together as a couple. Not to say that I don't have things I need to improve as well but a lot of these issues need to be dealt with on his side first. Or at least he needs to realize that there are things that need to be dealt with. Does any of that make sense?
I will keep dark for now. It's getting very tempting to text him but I won't. This is almost the only thing I have never done before. Even when we were dating we had fights that led to "break ups" that only lasted for a week or so because I could not stay away from him longer than a couple of days. So I have literally ALWAYS been the pursuer. It's crazy.
I consider this my last 180. If this doesn't work then I will be a lot closer to giving this up.
Just hang in there sweetie!! This part is always the hardest when you first decide to go dark. It actually does get easier and easier. Don't even dwell on the things that he needs to change right now. You can't make him change right now, he has to do it on his own, so there is no point in obesessing over it right now.
I think you should only focus on you at the moment. Are there anythings about you that you would like to improve or work on? And I don't just mean on the relationship end..anything.
I know this is the hardest part and I think I am doing pretty well so far. It's all mental.
I am going to be working more than I thought over the next two weeks so that will keep me occupied for one. I also have my goals that I need to flesh out so that I can make a more solid plan of action. I am pretty tired from working all week but I am going to make my weekend to do list tonight so I can get some things accomplished. I am going to try and exercise 5 times this coming week as well to line up with my goal of losing weight.
I am also thinking of going to the bookstore tomorrow as it has been awhile since I read a good book. Should be able to find something there and maybe hang out with my friend when in that part of town. So that's a start. I just gotta keep my mind busy so that I don't mess up and contact him.
Daisy that's a very good start!! The hardest thing is keeping your mind off of it right now and these sound like great ways.
I personally can spend hours in a book store!!! LoL. I am such a nerd as that is one of the things I do too if my friends already have plans, I'll wonder around B&N and I can waste a whole afternoon!!
Yeah. I love books. Problem is I read them too fast! Hehe. I have a couple of friends who work at a bookstore that I used to work at too and I just texted to see if they are working tomorrow. If so I might drive out there to say hi and to get a book or two or three. . .lol.
I also want to pack my laptop up and go to Starbucks and do a little writing. I wanted to do this a few weeks ago but ended up spending the day with hubby instead. Highly doubt that will happen this time So I might do that since my family will be gone most of the day.
Then Sunday is church and hanging out with my family at home.
Monday I'll be back to work again.
So I should make it through.
I was just thinking about a time right before I left the apartment I lived in with my hubby and I had just read DR and joined these boards and I "went dark" on him while we were still living together and we did not speak for 5 days before I finally broke the silence. Later in an argument he said they were the best 5 days of his life. . .
I doubt he feels that way now but I just remembered that a few minutes ago and it made me sad. I know they all say hurtful things but how could not speaking to the one you love be a good thing? I have no idea what was/is wrong with him. Grr!
Today I was kinda of tempted to start looking online for a new "friend" to chat with. I don't really know why. It just popped into my head. It would never go anywhere but I was just thinking it would be nice to rush home and IM with someone or have that "can't wait to check my email" feeling. I get that way about these boards a little but I guess I want more. I know I am just missing my hubby and that there is no way I want or am ready for a new relationship but it is weird that it came to mind, even if only for a moment.
Oh well. I'm not going to do it anyways. But I am sure that says something about my state of mind. Detachment or desperation?
"Detachment or Desperation?" - I think it's a little of both mixed together!!! I did the SAME thing when all of this first happened. I actually tracked down an ex on myspace and sent a friend request. I think I was feeling a bit low about myself and needed someone to stroke my ego. Nothing ever came of it, he is my friend on ms now but I barely chat with him and don't want him to know about my sitch with H. I think I also kinda did it in retaliation because H has female friends on ms yet out of respect for our relationship I never accepted any guys that I knew would upset him.
Yes they say really nasty stupid things, they are DAWAH!!!
Always conforting to know I am not the only one having these kinds of thoughts.
I know I say nasty things to him too sometimes but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how many cruel things they say and I know we are not supposed to believe it but I want to know why they say it if they don't mean it! WTF! Just to make us sad and hurt?
I think in my case my hubby says cruel things when he doesn't want to talk about something. He figures that if he is mean enough eventually he will drive me away and he can be alone and not deal with the issue. You would think I would see that and learn to leave him alone but my deep fear is that we will never solve anything if we don't talk about things, even the hard and unpleasant topics. I should have done this on Tuesday. I should have just let it go! I know there is no point dwelling on the past.
They toe the line and push the boundaries and say all sorts of horrible things in the process and yet we are the loonies putting up with it! Argh!!!
So I was just sitting here thinking about how I am ever going to learn to "drop things" when he clams up or starts getting mean and I realized that I did that on Tuesday and it still backfired! What in the world am I gonna do with this man! I do what he doesn't want me to and he gets all pissy and mean but if I leave him alone he just gets even more upset. But then if I tell him we should just leave it alone and try to have fun together I get rejected further.
It's like this
I offer to talk it out: no I offer to give space: he gets pissed and leaves I offer to drop the whole thing and just focus on having fun: he refuses to hang out with me
