Wow, the visual of walking out of a smelly toilet is almost too much for me lady! Get the heck out of there, woman! It's not pretty! Otherwise, I'm going to come out there and bring my Tidy Bowl and you're gonna be sorry!
Nope, Mr. W. didn't have OW. I know you think that sounds peachy, but let me tell you it would have been easier if he had one. At least I'd know that he wanted something, even if it wasn't me. He chose to hole up in an apartment for a year and drink through his depression. He chose that over me, and it really upset me to no end. It was difficult to know that he chose to divorce me over NOTHING. That just plain old meant he didn't want me. It wasn't that he was running to someone else, ya know?
I can look back now and see it for what it was. Honestly, if I'm going to admit this to myself and anyone else, we really had grown spiritually far, far apart. I want a man who prays for us. I want a man who feels I'm worth the effort of trying to improve himself first. Mr. W. is clearly not that person, so he's done me a huge favor by releasing me so I can one day find someone who does.
Give yourself a big break, Cagz. Weddings are difficult, and it was really hard for me to go to them for quite some time. Hell, I even had a difficult time being truly happy for people. Two years ago, when I walked into my OB/GYN's office, I saw all these pregnant young women with their husbands... gooing and gaaing and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. As I bawled and told the doctor that I didn't want to be pregnant like them but that life was just too hard to live the way I was living it, she felt sorry for me. That got me a vitamin B12 shot and a promise to identify why I was feeling so bereft.
Oy, those days are not remembered fondly, my friend. I just allow myself to feel whatever it is that pops up. Then I figure out why I'm going there. Let me tell you, 99.9% of the time, it's because I'm not taking care of myself in one way or another. My self care almost always is in the toilet and I have nobody else to blame but myself. Once I step that up, I always feel better.
The toilet is a sh!tty place to be! (Pun intended. )
So if you know you're going to be heading to weddings and aren't feeling too strong, make sure that you honor yourself by completely pampering yourself before and after. Remember that the day is for someone else and the last thing you would want to remember as a bride is the visage of someone close who just couldn't move past their own crap long enough to be happy. (That ought to startle you a bit.) And if you can fanagle a dance with a hunky guy - married or not-- then you do it! Look gorgeous and go out and dazzle everyone with your perky self. I swear it works.
Keep on doing the do, baby. Fabulous way to start your weekend.
All in good time, Cagz. It takes time and work. You'll get that elephant eaten at some point. Swear on it.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey