God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

You are assuming you are headed for divorce. Don't think like that.

No, I am not assuming anything because really I have NO CLUE what so ever is going to happen. Many Many times I "FEEL" like eventually H and I will R. That in time we will be together again. But then H's actions or words or mood will kick me back to reality and reality is that anything is possible and H really does not want to come home. At least today. Maybe not ever...

I agree that you don't want to think that D is the only option but you cannot and should not just sit and do nothing to prepare for the worst. At least IMO. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

That is what I am doing. I can not deny the fact that my H has had an OW for at least over a year and half(???). Has swore over and over again that he is done and never coming home. And that we have been at this for 17months and seperated for 13. So I have to be prepared for D. It is so very possible that it could happen.

If staying on the farm is not what you want then don't do it.

There is nothing in this world I want more that my H to come home and we make a go of this place. Grow old here. If H doesn't come home....It would just be to hard and complicated in sooo many ways...

And yes, I think I have explored all the options. Have had alot of time on my hands to figure it out...

Are you enrolled in the 'land' incentive programs?

What is this?

If you don't stay on the farm, what will it cost you to rent or buy something else?

If we D I plan on taking my share and putting it down on a house in town. I will live there until girls are out of school then who knows...

How's that for a 180? lol.

LOL!! A couple of weeks ago, when we were hauling bales in the field, I ALMOST got up the nerve to moon H. (i was in one tractor him in the other). By the time I got up the nerve we were done so didn't do it. Almost...had the button undone on my jeans. LOL. H would have absolutely been shocked. TOTALLY not something I would do. But I thought it would be funny.

On the ride to the vet you didn't have any R talk - right?

Nope, actually we really didn't talk much at all. He was pretty tired and still in the "mood". I am telling you. I am there for him. But I really am not pushing anymore. I am still doing more than I should for him but I am being "me". Without the mothering or controlling. Without any expectations. Without any returns.

Hope your cow day is going well today too.

It was okay. I really wasn't involved. H came this morning. I made him breakfast and he tried to nap a bit. I really did not want to help with these today. They are a lot more spooky. But I was available. H didn't ask. 2 BIL's helped him so I would have just been in the way anyhow. While they were gone I made H meatloaf and party potatoes to take home. He had said this morning that he hasn't eaten in 2 days. I know that he has, just not any "good" food.

He thanked me when he left. Called few minutes later and left a VM wondering what the meat was. He said not to call him back though cuz he was going to bed. Said thanks again.