sh, peace and glam- Thanks again for your encouragement.
For anyone out there that doesn't know my sitch, here is the Reader's Digest version...
My H dropped the bomb almost 19 months ago. He said he felt empty inside and he had nothing left to give (still no known OW). I found the DB site a month or so after he moved out. Until that time (even after), I did everything wrong...cried, pleaded and pushed. The more I did, the angrier he got. He got so angry, he filed for a D in August of last year but could never have me served. When I finally started to back off, he started to cycle. There were many touch and goes and I can't tell you how exasperating it all was for me. About April, he was cycling less and coming around a bit more but my frustration was getting to me. I told my H that he either need to go to C with me or we needed to proceed with the D. He choose to go to C. Fast forward to now, we are still in C...he still is not home but I believe that we are working toward him moving back. On Monday, there was a court date for the D(the 4th court date...but he continued all of the previous) and my H didn't show for it so the D is dismissed.
This has been such a slooooow process for my H. He still blames me for a lot of issues in our M but he has been trying to understand that he is to blame as well. He also acknowledges that we really didn't have a lot of problems in our M...go figure! I am understanding that my H stuffed a lot of his feelings in our M. I have hopes that we will have stronger M after going through this...but I know there is still so much for us to work through and I know it isn't going to be an easy transition when he decides to come home.
When I started this journey 19 months ago, I thought there was no way that this would take this long. I thought my H would be different. I eventually gave in to the thought that my H wasn't coming back. I eventually learned (most of the time) to have no expectations. Now, I am feeling like I just could be one of the lucky ones whose spouse figured things out before it is too late. Hopefully I haven't jinxed anything by saying that.
I know I still need to keep my expectations low or even at zero...it is just hard to not think that my H and I will be together again someday.
Upside You have been a good friend to me and im so happy that your H is moving along in a positive way I am very hopeful for you this does seem to take time and none of us believe it will take so long, but it usually does either way its 18mo-2years, then if the LBS is still waiting, sometimes you read or hear of a miracle like yours but even if spouse doesnt return 18mo mark seems to be a shifting point to letting go for many of us LBS We did the work on ourselves and we know we are ok peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I was thrilled to read your post ! I certainly hope you will be one of those lucky ones among us ! You have done well through all of this and I'm sure you have it in you to continue this journey !
Take care and enjoy every moment, for life is too short not to !
Love to you and blessings xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Thanks glam, breton, peace, na and Cinders- I saw quite a bit of my H this weekend. My kids had games all weekend so he came to most of those. Saturday night we went to a movie and dinner...he stayed over. My D had games Sunday morning so I left H at the house (he says he is trying to get more comfortable here) and he met up with me at the games later. After that he went to the office for awhile and then came back to my house. We went for a walk and then when we were just relaxing, we got into a discussion...a long R discussion.
I think we talked for more than an hour. It is so weird...my H seems to vacilate between blaming me and blaming himself. Last night was more about blaming me. He talked about how, during our M, I didn't listen to him and how I expected him to do what I thought he should do. I listened and validated as much as I could but it is so difficult to do because your natural instinct is to explain yourself. I am lucky because my H has started to consider my feelings at times and at the times I do try to explain myself, he will listen. I did tell my H last night that I can't live in limbo forever and I started to tell him that I thought we need to figure this out soon...like before his work schedule gets crazier (he has quite a few upcoming trials) and before the holidays. I stopped myself from saying it but my H told me to tell him so I did. He said he was glad I told him how I felt.
My H seemed to think the whole conversation was very positive. He kept telling me that this is the first real one-on-one conversation we have had in over 19 months. I think he still has doubts that I really understand what he is telling me and that I am willing to accept him for who he is even though I have demonstrated to him that I do. Interestingly enough, my H told me that he will "fight" with me now rather that just stuff his feelings...so if that is true, that would be progress.
I told my H a couple of times last night that the main thing I have learned through out this ordeal is that we need to appreciate what we do have rather than dwelling on what we don't. I was hoping that might sink in with my H but I am not sure it did.
We will see if the conversation was helpful. My H has IC tonight...so my hope is that the C can reinforce that our relationship has changed...that I have changed and that I am willing do the work. I see that my H has been willing to do the work to a point but will he be willing to go the rest of the way? We shall see.
I would say this was a conversation that went well. I am glad you were able to tell him some things.
I think they absorb things but don't say much. They think about what was said but keep it to themselves.
I think you did a good job while having the discussion with him.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Wow Upside another sleep over. You know I haven't had one of those since Jan 07 when h moved in and back out. Ouch it hurts to type that.
This is great progress. The best advice I can give you is smile and nod when h is talking and then use the c sessions for anything you need to get out.
That works for me! I am so happy for you! Your h will probably be home before mine!
Take is slow Upside this is called progress even if it's slow!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I am understanding that my H stuffed a lot of his feelings in our M. I have hopes that we will have stronger M after going through this...but I know there is still so much for us to work through and I know it isn't going to be an easy transition when he decides to come home. 
My D had games Sunday morning so I left H at the house (he says he is trying to get more comfortable here) and he met up with me at the games later. After that he went to the office for awhile and then came back to my house. We went for a walk and then when we were just relaxing, we got into a discussion...a long R discussion.