I think the WASs think they will never get caught. They are on another planet where nothing else matters. i recently aske d my W, how can you throw away your family and the house of your dreams for a .......she was just quiet. i think she is getting to a point where she is pissed at herself....probably not for what she did but for getting caught.
On the kids front, the only way I would bring it up is if the kids begin to blame me for the divorce. Other than that....why would I want the kids to be pissed at their mom?
OK, I had a suggestion from a friend of mine that the discussion is really something of an ultimatum. Either choose me and we work on this marriage or choose them and we get a divorce.
An ultimatum will not work. I saw this personally with my father when he discovered my mothers affair. She was not emotionally stable enough to make a concrete decision and picked divorce.
I don't want the kids to be pissed at their Mom. She is the one destroying their world, but, I will likely be the agent of that destruction and I'm not about to be the fall guy in my kids eye's for her lying cheating betrayal of them and of me.
I don't believe that an ultimatum will work. Yet, what is setting and defending a boundary except to issue an ultimatum?
Defending that boundary may mean that I end my marriage, but, my self-respect can't continue to accept her unacceptable behavior. I'm not telling her to get out and I won't say to her that she needs to choose me or choose them. I'll be telling her that I know what's going on and have proof, that her behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop, and I'm going to see a lawyer. Then, I will wait and see what the fallout is of me respecting myself enough to stop putting up with her behavior.
You are doing good! I know how hard it will be...my heart beat so fast on the way to his office that day that I thought it would leap out of my mouth as soon as I opened it.
You can confront your wife, and you can let her know that you find her behavior unacceptable. And, just because you are seeing the L doesn't mean you have to file or that you are necessarily going to get the D right away. I think you can see the attorney and still give her some time to really process what's going on and make an informed decision.
You'll do fine...it sucks, but, unfortunately, there's nothing that can be done about that!!!!
You are right that one day the kids will know the truth. I have 2 small boys who think their Dad hung the moon, and that he wouldn't have left if I hadn't argued with him all the time. Right now, they need someone to blame, and I'm it. But, I also know that I'm it because I'm the one still here. I don't intend to tell them the truth unless asked, and they won't be able to ask until much later. I do take responsibility for a lot of the trouble in our M, and I'll explain that part too if ever given the opportunity.
I'll be rooting for you this week!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I think that I probably won't talk to her this week. It's partially because I'm avoiding it, and partially because I have a bunch of other things that are frankly starting to seem more important. I had a series of job interviews last Monday and on Friday heard back from them that they are going to hire one of their contract staff into that position, so that's a bummer. In the last couple of months, I've interviewed for 4 different positions and they've all fallen through. Hopefully on Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll have an interview with the company my friend is working for and this job will be mostly remote, working from home or the coffee shop on the laptop. I also really want to talk to my IC before I talk to her and my son's birthday is coming up on the 7th and I really don't want to screw up his birthday. So, I will probably wait a couple more weeks.
All that said, W went to a concert on Friday night. On Saturday afternoon, I was driving through our little town to go and get lunch at Taco Bell and what do I see, but, my van parked outside some house. Now, on one level, it's nothing that should bother me and could be completely harmless and if there ever was a night that you might not want to drive home it would be after a concert. I can tell myself that kind of thing all day long, but, it still bothers me.
I'm really getting tired of all this. I'm finding it harder and harder to care about wanting to work things out with her. I'm angry and hurt and I've worked my behind off making deep identity level changes. The longer this goes on, the more I want to turn my back on her and walk away and never have anything to do with her again. Why would I want to in any way have even a friendly relationship with someone who is willing to treat me this way? My kids are the only reason. If it wasn't for the kids, I think that I would turn my back on her and try and forget the last 18 years. I know this is only something born out of the hurt and anger, but, that's as real as the love is and was too.
I want to experience love and joy again, now, not is some indefinite future fantasy that is just a way of coping. I want life to be more than this pain and hurt and anger. I want to move forward and yet I'm caught between my responsibility and my desire to move on. You can all relate I'm sure to how many times I deny my desire and choose responsibility when I'd rather say F responsibility.
Wow, interesting how from the beginning of this post to the end my attitude shifts from I want to wait a while longer to screw it, I'll file this week. Once again I'll be choosing responsibility and I won't file this week, and I'm not going to go screw around or get a NG, at least not this week.
Can I just say, you don't know why the van was there, don't let it eat you up. You made the decision that you were going to address it? If you are still thinking that way I personally would do it sooner rather than later as it seems to be getting bigger and bigger for you. It really may not be what you think, as with all the gyny stuff a few weeks ago. Have you seen this thread in newcomers?
Remember, Michelle says what you focus on expands. I'm not saying that the infidelity isn't happening I'm just concerned about what is healthy for you.
Sorry about the job
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I want to experience love and joy again, now, not is some indefinite future fantasy that is just a way of coping. I want life to be more than this pain and hurt and anger
You will, and it will I promise! It's hard to see now (I have to look very hard for myself) but I'm pretty sure it's out there somewhere, I just know I gotta do this first to find it.
I don't know Julia, I don't know that the van is eating me up. I didn't go cruising around town all night looking for where she is sleeping and I haven't in a while. It was just one more punch in the face. What I'm finding is that the less I care where she is sleeping and with whom, the less I care about getting back together with her.
In a lot of ways, I stand by my post from a while back where I characterized DBing in the presence of infidelity as having your spouse lie to you and betray you and gut you and in response, you put yourself under a microscope to figure out why you weren't good enough, work like a slave to make deep permanent changes in yourself hoping that the changes will entice your spouse into trying to build a new relationship and if you are in the small minority, you might even get an apology. Frankly, that sounds like a whole lot of co-dependency talking.
I spent some time over in MLC doing some reading. Over there, a lot of them are dealing with infidelity issues and they talk about MLC taking 2-5 years to play out. I guess that I'm just a big weakling compared to them, because I'm not willing to spend the next couple of years alone as a single parent hoping that she finally wakes up from the craziness she is going through and decides to try and work things out with me.
I've forgiven her for plenty already and I could forgive her for her current behavior and work on building a new relationship with her. I was in no way a perfect husband, but, I've changed and I've grown and I've become a better man and I've kept my vows and I've tried to work on things. She hasn't kept her vows, she hasn't tried to work on things and for all the months of MC, all she could ever talk about was what an awful husband and father I've been.
I'm not closing the door on her. I'm remaining open to the possibility that she will change her ways and want to work on a relationship with me, but, I'm not going to sit here waiting for her. Along the way, I'm restraining my wildest impulses and doing what I can to protect my kids.
These days, the information that I gather about her activities is not to convince myself that she is being unfaithful. The information is to be used only in the sad event that we divorce and that she turns nasty. If this happens, then I will point to the information about the last year and gently tell her that perhaps she should reconsider her position. I believe that her behavior over the last year would easily convince a judge to award me sole custody of the kids, no maintenance and her paying me child support. I don't want to have to do this as I don't think for a minute that this would be in the kids' best interest, but, I want to have it if it becomes necessary.
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I want to experience love and joy again, now, not is some indefinite future fantasy that is just a way of coping. I want life to be more than this pain and hurt and anger
You will, and it will I promise! It's hard to see now (I have to look very hard for myself) but I'm pretty sure it's out there somewhere, I just know I gotta do this first to find it.
Of course we will and I agree with you. I've got to do what I'm doing because my vows are important to me and because my W is important to me and my kids are important to me. In the past that was all of the equation. Now, I'm important to me too. I'm to the place of giving things one last shot after which, I'm pulling the plug and moving on with my life. I don't find it hard to see that I will experience joy and love and life again. I see it on the faces of people all around me.
Just journaling I suppose. I'm not going to make any plans until after I speak to my IC.
W stopped by after work to drop off a baby garter snake for my son. The snake was found in the ladies locker room at work and as I've been tethered to the computer all day, I didn't have time to go over and get it from her. The first thing I noticed when my W stopped by was the smell of cigarette smoke on her breath. Later my youngest daughter told her that her breath stank.
My son is very sad now because he accidentally let the snake escape outside before he even got a chance to play with it. He did however, convince my W to take him to the Bass Pro Shop instead of fishing. This helped me out because then I didn't have to rush for the confrontation because I don't want my kids around her men regardless of her opinion of them.
I've asked my W to watch the kids on Saturday night so that I can get together with friends. We will see if that comes off.
I spent some time over in MLC doing some reading. Over there, a lot of them are dealing with infidelity issues and they talk about MLC taking 2-5 years to play out. I guess that I'm just a big weakling compared to them, because I'm not willing to spend the next couple of years alone as a single parent hoping that she finally wakes up from the craziness she is going through and decides to try and work things out with me.Dan
3-5 years??? I cannot even imagine . . .
I think it's one thing if your spouse is faithful, and is working on issues with you (and you with them). Then I think it falls into the "it took us many years to get to this place; it's going to take us several years to get it back" category. But if they're committing adultery, and lying to you about it, I do not know of anyone who can handle that for more than 6-12 months, without it starting to take some SERIOUS tolls on their self-esteem and even overall emotional and physical health.
Dan, I suppose to clarify what I meant was that the more you seem to be observing and seeing (and I understand you can't help that as you live in a small town) the more likely you are to dwell and/ or draw conclusions that may or may not be true. I also know you are a big boy and can make your own decisions - it was just I suppose I was doing that friend thing of not wanting to see you suffer!
