Hi Tal! Very happy that the R talk went well!!! I haven't known you for long on these boards, but from the very start I've gotten a sense of great wisdom and insight from your posts! I think you've done an amazing job at DBing and getting your H back!! sounds like you guys have really narrowed down where the breakdowns were and are now ready to make sure this never happens again!
I sometimes think my H feels the same way about this now being about winning--beating the OW in the quest for his affections..or about ownership-- he's MY H-not hers...but bottom line, it's about love and loving the life we shared, both good times and bad times--but I was happy with the little things-but not adverse to changing to big things if that would have made him happier! We worked hard to get where we're at and it's a bummer not to be sharing our successes together!!!!
I've said this on my thread--but I often wonder if my H is thinking keeping with the A and the "single" life is easier than giving the M a try-then he doesn't have to deal with the crap. He has been known in his life to take the easy way out and to come back to the marriage would take much work and would require a lot of pride to be swallowed--and I'm not sure his ego could withstand that! Yet, then I see the teddy bear side of him and hope that part of him realizes the hard work is well worth the potential payout in the end!! Take Care and Keep doing what you are doing!!! It's working!!!
Wow. You've had SO much going on lately! I've been pouring over your posts...this last one amazed me in how closely it resembles my sitch!
Quoting talitsa: He was (as he knows now) very depressed and in a very self-absorbed, self pitying frame of mind. He honestly thought that I didn't love him anymore & that it was "only a matter of time before I asked him to leave".
<snip>
That's it--that's the story. It's an accurate picture of how two deeply insecure people can totally tank a perfectly good R. Understanding what we did does help find the places where we need to fix the cracks in the foundation, because we really screwed up and don't ever want to go through anything like this again.
When my h and I first talked about his a he said "I thought our m. was over...you were so angry all the time". It had never occurred to me that I was sending him "I'm outta here" vibes loud and clear.
When I sit in C. and relate to my C the back and forth my h and I go through, well, it's amazing how clear it comes out that both of us are simply looking to be loved.
Like you two, we took a pretty amazing relationship and ripped it to shreds thru insecurity (and in our case, anger and a lack of communication!).
I love that you and h are really talking about this stuff. You guys are an inspiration.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I've said this on my thread--but I often wonder if my H is thinking keeping with the A and the "single" life is easier than giving the M a try-then he doesn't have to deal with the crap. He has been known in his life to take the easy way out and to come back to the marriage would take much work and would require a lot of pride to be swallowed--and I'm not sure his ego could withstand that
This is it in a nutshell for me.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Tal, if I could have written it FOR you, your post about the "talk" couldn't have been any closer to the mark!!!
I HAVE to chime in here on the WAW sentiment. CJ too MUST have believed that I was fed up and ready to ditch the M myself. I suppose that years of being undermined and dismissed will do that.
I heard such for the first time when after bomb #1, CJ's sister (who was cutting my hair, she's our stylist) said that CJ thought HE was getting out before I made MY move!!!
Like you, I was CLUELESS!!!
Thank God and all the powers of good that we smartened up, eh?
I don't know about anyone saying that we're a success, because I guess it's just all about us going through this stuff at different stages. I think the long-haul stuff will not come so easy for us...changing bad habits in our R, learning how to argue constructively, fighting the urge to isolate and shut down when we feel vulnerable, and communicating better.
I think this particular stage of reconciliation hasn't been as hard as for some folks here, because I never got the "I don't love you anymore" or "ILY but not in love with you" to overcome.
We've still got a long way to go, but...
After we talked yesterday, we came home and just laid in bed spooning. I felt such a lightness in my spirit, and such deep contentment that I knew I'd made the right decision to fight for our R. Now that we are at the point of working on things together to better our R, I couldn't really ask any more.
Ya know, Sage....I was angry too...just like you describe. I thought my partner was acting like a selfish immature jerk who had abandoned me emotionally and would soon finish the job by leaving. I attributed that to thinking he was incapable of committment and was one of those guys who would--sooner or later--cheat and then bail. Some of that anger was justified, but some wasn't.
I can't say he's incapable of commitment now, or that I think he'll bail out.
Anyone can get into a R. Most people marry with now idea of what they are getting into. But...all of us here and our spouses have been tested by fire. We've all chosen to do the HARD thing by rebuilding a stronger, better R than we had before...DESPITE all of queasy emotional rollercoaster rides and the down and dirty hard times that are involved with peicing.
At first I felt like I was a weak fool for wanting my mate back after he'd treated me the way he had and betrayed me. Now, though...I feel like I am brave and very strong to have done this. I feel that ALL of us here are very brave and strong and so are our spouses....Peicing our Marraiges back Together ain't for whimps!!!!
Quote: At first I felt like I was a weak fool for wanting my mate back after he'd treated me the way he had and betrayed me. Now, though...I feel like I am brave and very strong to have done this. I feel that ALL of us here are very brave and strong and so are our spouses....Peicing our Marraiges back Together ain't for whimps!!!!
Hey Shiny, I think I did do some dismissing and undermining...but mostly not.
I think the real core of our problem is that we were both wounded when we were young in ways that made us believe, deep down, that we were somehow so defective that we were incapable of being loved. It truly amazes me how very much we are alike.
I know that some people marry opposites and some people marry complimentary people. Some folks even marry others who are a lot like a parent they had issues with.
In our case, we are so alike that we could switch genders and things wouldn't be much different. Sometimes that brings a natural understanding of each other's complexities...but this fear of abandonment/feeling incabale of being loved crap...well, you know the results....you've read both of my threads
