Trixi and His Highness

[NikB]

PS.. I'm sorry that you've been so sad!! I hope you feel better today.

[Trixi]

I don't think you "blew" anything exactly, I just think you're wayyyy too available and not allowing him to "pursue" you at all. I truly think playing hard to get would be at least worth TRYING in your sitch. You can't really pursue someone who's already chasing you.

That's very true. I think what I "blew" was the chance to capatilize on his positive feelings towards me. Now it looks like he is withdrawing again.
The bummer is that he has said (more than a couple times) when he gets into the withdrawal stage that "we always end up here" as his reasoning for why we should just call it quits.
I am afraid that given our current circumstances and the fact that he had been ready to file previously, that this will be the 'nudge' that pushes him over the edge into filing.

Re 'standing for the marriage'- I guess I see this as part of what a person does when they make a commitment. You stick it out because you made a promise- in sickness and in health, etc etc. Sort of leading by example and demonstrating what a *real* commitment is. It's not a commitment if you only stick around for the good times or when you feel like it. Heh-having said that, I wonder where the line is between "being committed" and "being a fool".

In happier news- I have gotten several emails and greetings from people I met at the meetups, so that's nice.

Yeah, the meetups thing *is* out of character for me-it was your advice to CW that made me look again to see what groups were available. I was really lucky last night because one of the members took me under her wing and introduced me to people, gave me "tips", told me which groups had the same core active people, stuff like that.

Feeling kinda wiped today. I think I need to get on the torch and melt glass.

[NikB]

((Trixi))

I know what you mean. Where I worry on "standing" is that sometimes it (can) mean "I'm here for you no matter what and no matter how you treat me!".. and that's not so healthy. I don't think you're being a fool, far from it.

Wow that is so cool that my post to CW got you going to meetups! That really made me smile. I'm so glad you found a good friend there, too. I know you're more of an introvert but it does the soul good to have friends to hang with, too.

[Trixi]

Journaling
So, so tired.
We had discussed camping last weekend and then the Wednesday before he told me that he forgot he had a white river rafting trip on Sunday. But he would come over Friday after working late and then "we could do something Saturday."

Friday he comes over (earlier than expected) and tells me that he found out that the river is 3 hours away and since he doesn't want to get up early, he needs to be on the road by 4pm Saturday so they can stay in a hotel.

So, that meant not having much time to 'do' anything on Saturday.
I told him I was disappointed and he said "just like always" (or something like that) and when I asked if he really felt that way and he said no, he was just kidding. I'm not so sure; because he HAS been disappointing me a lot lately.

I was a 'big girl' about things the next day, helped him pick out a waterproof camera, gave him sunscreen, wished him lots of fun. He said that maybe he'd be over Sun or Mon, but probably Monday. Monday, at 5:30 I send him a TM that says "?" and he calls up and says "I thought I said I would be over tuesday. I feel really sick so not tonight. Maybe tomorrow night." I asked when I would know for sure and he said I should call or text him the next day. Around 2pm he sent me a text that said "still not feeling well sorry" I waited and eventually sent back a text that said "hope you feel better soon" No smiley face, no 'oh poor baby', nothing like that. I did not hear from him until today (thursday) around 3 when he sent a text that said "still feel like poop".

I did send back a text saying "Gee, that's too bad :(" I did *not* ask if and when I will see him again.

I have been keeping myself busy-went out to dinner with a friend last night, went to breakfast with a friend this morning, going out to meet friends tonight, have a meetup picnic on Saturday and 2 invites to go out Saturday night. Not sure if I will do Saturday night-- I might be burned out by then.

A guy that I met at a meetup and I have been emailing and IMing. No, nothing serious. We haven't even talked about relationships. But it is nice to have someone that is 'glad' to see me online. Someone that drops me emails and tells me stuff that he did that day- in detail! Compare and contrast that to my H- since Monday, I have literally seen under 10 words from him.

Consistently, my H picks doing fun stuff with his friends over me; and then the fun stuff with them "takes it out" of him, so I do not get fun stuff. I am getting leftovers and they ain't even that great.
H has been so flakey lately, I am no longer buying groceries for us when he says he's coming over. *That* breaks my heart.
Last night the moon was HUGE and orange- and I wanted to call him to make sure he saw it because it was so cool....but I didn't because I am sick of being rejected.

Went to temp agency to see about getting work to make up the shortfall from the slow real estate market. The good news is that I actually tested very well- especially considering I haven't done bookkeeping for 10 years. Need to get caught up on todays accounting software-luckily, the agency offers online training.

I still love my H; I still wish he would decide to fully reconcile; but I am sick of being treated like an afterthought/inconvenience. I am tired of how it's all about him. I am tired of aching. I want to be cherished. I want to know what it's like to be loved, like I love my H.

So, I'll just make my own plans. Time for him to chase me. Probably not going to happen now, unfortunately. So many negative things have happened lately.
I feel like I am being rejected AGAIN. Only this time, we had a fabulous time together and I am left wondering WTF happened.

[Sara]

I think you are right Trixi. It is time to move forward with your own life. Whatever his reasons, he doesn't care to make time for you. That is no way for you to live. I think you are making good choices.

[Changed Woman]

Hey, Trixi-

I think you should try not contacting him at all for a while and when he contacts you be unavailable. Just see what happens. Sometimes that sparks something in them.

[NikB]

Same ol', same ol' Trixi.. sorry to see it.

I totally agree with Sara and CW. Have thought that for a long time, but I'm glad you're finally getting there.

(((Trixi)))

Whatever happens now PLEASE do not blame some kind of "timing" thing.

If he DOES pursue you make it real. Pretend the guy you're emailing wanted to date you.. you'd make him work for it right? Same goes for your H. Treat him like any other guy you MIGHT consider dating, at this point.

[Trixi]

Well, speaking of dating....
Last night I went out to karaoke bar and had great time; plenty of the "core" group was there. While I was there, Meetup Guy (now to be known as MG) sent me a few text messasges to tell me where he what he was doing, where he was. Sort of in a "Hey! now we're going over to XYZ to have drink. Lots of fun. How are you?" type text messages. He was at his computer before I was home, so he said for me to IM him when I got in.

So, I got home and we started IMing. At first, it was all light stuff, but then it seemed like I needed to tell him about my sitch. He was disappointed. He recently dated a woman for 6 weeks and her husband came back to her. She didn't tell him anything until the H came back, so he felt pretty blindsided. He was glad I was telling him upfront, but he does feel a bit wary of me now. Totally understandable, and he should, really.

He has asked me out to a nice(ish) restaurant for tonight. Last night I said 'sure' because we established that we are friends only. But now I don't know. And it's not because I can't be 'just' friends with a guy. It's very easy for me to be just friends with a guy; I relate better to guys. If MG was a guy that my H knew, I wouldn't have a second thought, because I would feel okay about telling my H that I went out to dinner with "joe". But now, if H asks me what I did this week, I think saying "Oh, went out to dinner with Meetup Guy" it would open up a can of worms. A can of worms I do NOT want to deal with.

OTOH, who the hell knows when my H will contact me again?? When I was relating the timeline to MG last night, I realized that when H and I were "dating" from Aug 21st to end of Oct (last year of course), one of the ways he would use to avoid me was feeling 'sick'. The night of our big blow out and the first time he actually talked about "hurrying up and filing" was an evening where his co-worker (that used to stay with me while H worked a room at company parties) was playing in a band. H told me about it, but then said he probably wasn't going to go. Didn't feel well. Probably too tired, blah blah blah. I went ahead and went, and guess who showed up too? ("Oh, I feel a little bit better") That was when a co-worker I hadn't met said "Are you sure you guys aren't married? haha You guys act married. haha" and I said "Um, Yeah. Actually we ARE married. 10 years!" and the poor guy was like a deer in the headlights, hemming and hawing and saying "oh? really? um..wow. that's great. good for you." To him, H said "It hasn't been a good year." To me (sorta under his breath) H said "I hope you're happy. Let's just get this over with and file." The first time he ever uttered the words about filing were in a bar.

ANYway, my point is during that time frame, my H was all of a sudden sick and not feeling well a lot.

Maybe if H ever contacts me and asks what I have been up to, I can just say went out to dinner with a friend? Be mysterious..? H does know I have started going to meetups. He asked if they were for singles. I could honestly say that the groups I'm in are for any status.

I am feeling a bit pissed with H lately. HE had an online EA. Even met with her- but she stayed with her husband. He told me about it after the fact. That was 2004. HE has slept with 2 girls. I will (kinda) cut him some slack in that he was sure we were getting divorced and he was done, but given that he only had that frame of mind for maybe 2 months, they must have practically been one night stands or close to it. ick.

UGH! Why am *I* tormented by what to do, when I think he wouldn't have a second thought if the roles were reversed? In some way, I feel like I am obligated to 'announce' I am getting a more active social life, but otoh, I feel like it would be better for me to just live it-and if he notices and steps up his game, well, then good.

[Sara]

I would go and pay for my own dinner, so I didn't feel obligated to the man as if it had been a date. And if H asked. I would just say that I kept busy. And yes, I had a good time. I can have a good time without him at least as easily as he can have a good time without me.

[NikB]

I don't have a long time to post - but I second Sara's idea.

Something else to consider - a good friend of mine is in a long distance R. She goes to a lot of meetups strictly to meet friends and have people to do things with. She's also very attractive and gets a LOT of attention from men, including those who don't much care about the boyfriend and try to talk her out of that R. She has a personal "rule" that she will do activity type things (i.e. hikes) with guys, girls, whoever (even if it's just two of them), but she won't go to dinner or more "intimate" type things with guys unless it's a larger group.

I know..sounds sort of high school! .. but it works well for her.

Maybe your boundaries are different, but I think it's worth thinking through what those might be. Driving separately, paying separately, how much personal info to share.. those types of things are worth thinking through.

((Trixi))

Your H is nothing more than a friendly but distant co-worker at the moment. Would you walk up to someone you barely knew and announce you're getting a (social) life? Can you imagine how THAT would go over?? Just do it... live your life for you.