New Thread, new life, new happiness

[HopefultotheEnd]

I hardly slept at all last night. It was almost as if I was on a mini version of the six month roller coaster I've been living. Really sad one minute to being ok with things then back to loss to acceptance and then back around.

I realized through all of it that I do need to take a stance. I don't think that will save my M but my mental health is on the brink. I also realized that I might have to make a stand that is contrary my overall financial interests. I'm still going over this one.

I wanted to R talk so bad a few times last night. None of it would have done any good but it would have made me feel better.
As I laid in bed I went over the what I would like to say over and over how I "know" that we could make things work if we gave it a shot. But as we know I can't controll her. I don't think she would mind if I Filed. Well, she might be surprised, relieved, or worried a little but overall I think she'd be ok with it. Which is fine. I'm trying not to care about her I just want relief.

Looking back I see how more of a shock it would have been had I filed months ago. But I don't have any regrets, It might not have turned out any different and easily could have gotten worse.

So where do I go from here...I'm going keep up the productive thinking. Yesterday was very good. I really started to get a sense of what I want/need to do. I start a 10 week Divorce/separation support group on Tuesday and meet with a very well reccomended L on Thursday.

If I had to choose this minute, I would file, but leave the finances be for now. (as long as she pulls her own)

I really still love my W with all my heart and want to save my M.