Well, as much as he would have loved to avoid it, "we'll talk" did happen.
Basically, Shiny hit it right on when she said, "not much of an OW, not much of an A". Because I didn't have enough info, I was filling in the blanks in a bad way.
He was (as he knows now) very depressed and in a very self-absorbed, self pitying frame of mind. He honestly thought that I didn't love him anymore & that it was "only a matter of time before I asked him to leave". He had a friend at work (OW) who was encouraging him to talk about all of the self-pity stuff, telling him what he wanted to hear, and encouraged his negative frame of mind. Note to self and others: Typical OW tactics, enit?
He said that one day, and he still doesn't understand why, he attempted sex with her (unsuccessfully). He said that he apologized big time for that & told her that he didn't understand why he'd done that. After that, he felt guilty toward her and about her. She got emotionally attached after that incident and started with the "ILY's". She tried to initiate sex twice more after that. He said he wasn't encouraging her attention, but that his ego did get something out of it. He said he kept telling her that he only thought of her as a friend, and was really hurting because he was in love with me and thought my feelings for him had died.
He said that at the time, he'd just thought it was nice to have a friend "that really listened" to him, but now realizes that she was just encouraging his bad attitude and depression for her own agenda. (More typical OW crap, enit?)
He said that, in retrospect, he was betraying me from the first time he started meeting her alone for lunch and didn't tell me. He said that he can clearly see how he stepped over the line, little bit by little bit. At the time, though, he'd felt like the whole thing went from 0-to-50 and then he couldn't understand how he'd gotten caught up in a situation that ended up making him feel trapped and even worse about himself.
After I confronted him, he was really floored by my behavior. He'd convinced himself that I not only didn't care, but had been looking for an opportunity to rid myself of him. Because he'd been acting like such a jerk, who was cold and rejecting toward me, I had been convinced that he was unhappy with me and wanted to leave me.
Both of us were sure that the other wanted out, so we were putting on emotional armor to try to protect ourselves from the pain we were sure was coming. The armor we were wearing served to reinforce each other's perceptions.
It feels so sad and foolish, looking back. How could we two, who really do love each other very much, have fallen into that trap.
I don't think he woke up from his delusional state for several months after the bomb. He'd been so entrenched in his perception of me, that he believed that I only wanted him back because I "hate to lose" and that if he came home, I'd wait awhile & then kick him out.
My behaviour didn't fit that perception, though. He was really confused about why I was acting so devistated and hurt to the core. As hard as it was for me express how hurt, betrayed, and angry I felt, I'm glad I did because that's what finally woke him up and pulled him out of lala land.
He said that once he did realize that I did and always had cared very much, then he had to face all the guilt and self-recriminations--knowing that my pain was real, and that he'd caused it and wondering how the heck he could have been so wrong and f**ked up so badly.
That's it--that's the story. It's an accurate picture of how two deeply insecure people can totally tank a perfectly good R. Understanding what we did does help find the places where we need to fix the cracks in the foundation, because we really screwed up and don't ever want to go through anything like this again.
I wouldn't wish this kind of experience on anyone else (with the exception of B-U). Both of us have been through a lot of difficult things in our lives, but this by far has been the most painful. I feel like we've been through a trial by fire.
Note to any OW's out there who read theses bb's: if you are ever in B-U's place, tell the guy to pull his head out of his butt, go get some Viagra and go home and tell his wife how much he loves her. He'll figure it out eventally on his own, but save yourself, the guy, his wife and kids a lot of hurt.
