I have told him how I feel about it, that we cannot begin to get better until she is completley out of his life and he is just resiting it. He keeps saying he will get over it soon. I have stopped bringing it up and since I found out last month they were still talking I have bit my tounge a lot. I am not sure if he really wants to be home yet. He keeps saying he loves me and even gets upset if I don't say it back, but I think he is still figuring out what he wants. As for me, every day I think today is the day I am going to tell him to leave and then I change my mind, so I guess I don't know what I want either.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Yes I do have it. My H even read the section on infidelity and then stopped talking to her but then gave in and started again. The only good thing about the most recent phone bill is the calls are getting less and less each day (some days a month ago it was 50 or 60 times a day they were calling back and forth) now it 6 or 7 and for only 3 or 4 minutes at a time not the hour or two it was before. I have read and reread the part about what to do if your spouse is still involved with someone else and am trying to bite my tounge and act as if I am okay with my own life and am trying to do things without him, make plans and such without worring about what is he going to do. I have literally sat on my hands sometimes to stop myself from calling him when he is at work, to stop the pursuit, hard as it is I know the constant calls and stuff were pushing him away so for the last few weeks really making an effort to get on with my own thing.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Ok, sounds like you have a plan in motion. It's always the "how long can I do this" that makes you question things. But, in the book, I think it has the "last resort technique", etc. So, if the time came to that, you have something to follow.
It seems like it has been so long but he really only has been home since the middle of July (was back and forth for a couple of months before that) He told me the other day that he does not want to break up, maybe before but not anymore, I think he still needs to get his head together and as much as I want to help him with that I can't. I do feel like I am the only one working on this and sometimes I wonder if it is really worth it and yes how long can I go on like this? Today he was supposed to stop by my work to pick up some papers he left at home, still has not called and I have kept myself busy so far (I start at 7:30am so it has been a few hours) so as not to call him and see what is going on. Going to wait it out and if he stops by that's good if not then no problem. Not going to sit by the phone and wait. At least that is my plan.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
The waiting game......I made my H do the same thing....It's good to read your feelings because it makes me face very clearly what I did to him. I ask H for forgiveness often, as he does with me. We are in a good place now, but it took long to get here. If you can wait you may be better than ever. Keep remembering that. You took your vows seriously and that should be commended. Do you have married friends that support you at home?
My friends are good about this supportative of my decison to try and work this out, but they would be equally supportative of my leaving too. H did come by and we had a few minutes to talk and he asked what is up with me. I was not going to bring it up but I did, very calmly, I said, "I got this month's phone bill" I asked if he really thought he was ever going to give her up. He said of course and when I told him that he calls her much more than she calls him he did look at least embarassed about it and said, next month you will see the difference. I reminded him that I have been fairly patient with this, and he agreed. I never raised my voice or got upset or anything but I did say that it still feels like you are choosing her over me. He said no. He kissed me goodbye and I asked if he was mad that I brought it up, he said no and kindof made a joke. So we left on decent terms and I do feel better about bringing it up and I am glad I did not blow up or cry and anything like that, which is what he has been seeing a lot lately from me. Going to let it drop this weekend and hopefully we will have a good one.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
It was an okay weekend. He got a call from OW and then went "to do some stuff upstairs" to answer it. We did talk a little this weekend about this crap, I was very good about it, not acting upset or anything but I just don't see why he can't see what he is doing? He says he loves me and that I mean everything to him, so why does he still talk to her?!!!!!
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Because he can. YOu are allowing it. He will continue to have a hard time breaking from the OW. It is an addiction. He is addicted to what he gets from her. He MAY eventually realize HE needs to stop, or she MAY get tired of the crumbs he is giving her and realize she has to stop talking to him to move on.....but, it will take a long time. The other bad part of him talking to her is it just prolongs the withdrawal. Every time he talks to her he starts all over with the withdrawal process. He needs to stop all contact before you and him will have a chance. YOu need to have a "no contact" policy in place. He says he wants to be with you, then he needs to do the work to make that happen.
