God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

H didn't stop this morning, I expected that...

Work was okay. Took Friday off as the guys are going to work calves and I always try to be here that day in case they need to get into the house. Probably make lunch for them too. I could use a day off myself. Maybe I can get some stuff done with the weather being so good.

N14 had a volleball game tonight. It was a good one. Fun to watch. They won!!

H came in a little late. Fully expected him to not sit with me. I was sitting at the top of the bleachers and he usually will sit down towards the bottom. Nope! He came up and sat with me. Why for? He was pretty owly and obviously did not want to talk to me. Maybe for the first time I didn't ask how he was. I didn't ask what was wrong. And I didn't ask if he was angry at me. I knew that he was tired as his Mom woke him at noon. And I also see that he is one of those modes again. THIS time I am staying out of it. I am not assuming it has anything to do with me. Even if it does...doesn't matter.

Tonight I'm feeling...I'm tired of this game.

[WCW]

Nice job.

Stay steady. Bubble in the middle.

Are you weaning calves? dehorning? castrating? branding? My horse would be a big help.

[theotherhalf]

Castrating and green tagging. Ya my BIL would agree with you. BUT these cows/calves are used to the 4wheeler, remember

This "steady", "still" thing is sooooo hard for me to do. But I am learning that H's moods may not always be about me. That just maybe he's ticked off at something that has nothing to do with me.

I've said to H many times in the last year that no one can make him happy until he is happy with himself. (Ow told him she could, I say I don't have that power). I guess it's time I stop trying to. To I guess practice what I preach.

[WCW]

BUT these cows/calves are used to the 4wheeler, remember

Where do you dally on a 4wheeler?

This "steady", "still" thing is sooooo hard for me to do.

It gets easier. Really it does. Time and patience are your friends. Along with that you should balance your own life and make plans for yourself. Gain strength in yourself and who you are.

But I am learning that H's moods may not always be about me. That just maybe he's ticked off at something that has nothing to do with me.

Finally you got it!!! and don't you forget it!

[theotherhalf]

Huh? "dally" ??

WCW, I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I know what I want for my future. But I have to be realistic. And realistically I will not have that if H and I D. It's that simple. There is no way nor no how I could ever do this by myself. The biggest reason is financial. There is no way around that. The other is I don't know how. I am not stupid, I could learn. But finacially it is not possible for me to stay here.

H mood thing is a hard one to learn. I am very very guilty of assuming that if not just H but anyone has an attitude with me or around me that I did something wrong. I feel bad and I want to know what I did or why they are mad. In a way that is a selfish way to think. Life isn't always about me.

H had appointment today to take the calves here at home to the vet. Tomarrow the vet comes out to the other place to do the rest. (Remember I am petrified of the livestock). H called this morning to have me set out a pair of gloves for him. I asked if he was doing them by himself. He says "well, ya". He always does. I didn't say anything. I came home early. Changed my clothes. And went right out to help. I didn't ask I just started in. He first looked at me like what the hell are you doing here. Neither of us said a word. He didn't even ask why I was home from work. I got right in with the cows/calves and helped. He asked if I wanted to ride with so I did.

He came in for a minute afterwards. He was pretty tired and grumpy so I didn't say much. He told me thanks for helping and left for home. Hopefully to sleep as he still has to work tonight and tomorrow will be a long day again.

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

You are assuming you are headed for divorce. Don't think like that.

[WCW]

I agree that you don't want to think that D is the only option but you cannot and should not just sit and do nothing to prepare for the worst. At least IMO. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

WCW, I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I know what I want for my future. But I have to be realistic. And realistically I will not have that if H and I D. It's that simple. There is no way nor no how I could ever do this by myself. The biggest reason is financial. There is no way around that. The other is I don't know how. I am not stupid, I could learn. But finacially it is not possible for me to stay here.

If staying on the farm is not what you want then don't do it. BUT, if it IS what you want then be like Taco Bell - think outside the bun. Do you have an extra room to take in a person who can pay a little rent and help on the farm? Can you rent out the pasture and the land? Land rent around here is outrageous! Everyone is competing to plant more corn and soybeans for fuel and that leaves the veggie growers in a bind for acreage. Are you enrolled in the 'land' incentive programs? Maybe you've thought of everything already but I know that I get so stuck in 'just doing' that I can't see what is right in front of me. I have to step outside the box and view it from a different perspective. If you don't stay on the farm, what will it cost you to rent or buy something else?

H mood thing is a hard one to learn. I am very very guilty of assuming that if not just H but anyone has an attitude with me or around me that I did something wrong. I feel bad and I want to know what I did or why they are mad. In a way that is a selfish way to think. Life isn't always about me.

Remember this. There is a whole world of things that affect their moods and attitudes. It doesn't always involve us.

Changed my clothes.

Think of the attention you would have got if you showed up in your high heel boots! or this... milk maid costume How's that for a 180? lol. I think your 180 of just showing up and helping was great enough, forget the costume. AND, your H said thanks for helping! On the ride to the vet you didn't have any R talk - right?

Hope your cow day is going well today too.

Huh? "dally" ??

It's a roping term, it means to wrap the lariat around the horn of your saddle after you catch a calf so it doesn't keep running and you lose everything.

[theotherhalf]

You are assuming you are headed for divorce. Don't think like that.

No, I am not assuming anything because really I have NO CLUE what so ever is going to happen. Many Many times I "FEEL" like eventually H and I will R. That in time we will be together again. But then H's actions or words or mood will kick me back to reality and reality is that anything is possible and H really does not want to come home. At least today. Maybe not ever...

I agree that you don't want to think that D is the only option but you cannot and should not just sit and do nothing to prepare for the worst. At least IMO. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

That is what I am doing. I can not deny the fact that my H has had an OW for at least over a year and half(???). Has swore over and over again that he is done and never coming home. And that we have been at this for 17months and seperated for 13. So I have to be prepared for D. It is so very possible that it could happen.

If staying on the farm is not what you want then don't do it.

There is nothing in this world I want more that my H to come home and we make a go of this place. Grow old here. If H doesn't come home....It would just be to hard and complicated in sooo many ways...

And yes, I think I have explored all the options. Have had alot of time on my hands to figure it out...

Are you enrolled in the 'land' incentive programs?

What is this?

If you don't stay on the farm, what will it cost you to rent or buy something else?

If we D I plan on taking my share and putting it down on a house in town. I will live there until girls are out of school then who knows...

How's that for a 180? lol.

LOL!! A couple of weeks ago, when we were hauling bales in the field, I ALMOST got up the nerve to moon H. (i was in one tractor him in the other). By the time I got up the nerve we were done so didn't do it. Almost...had the button undone on my jeans. LOL. H would have absolutely been shocked. TOTALLY not something I would do. But I thought it would be funny.

On the ride to the vet you didn't have any R talk - right?

Nope, actually we really didn't talk much at all. He was pretty tired and still in the "mood". I am telling you. I am there for him. But I really am not pushing anymore. I am still doing more than I should for him but I am being "me". Without the mothering or controlling. Without any expectations. Without any returns.

Hope your cow day is going well today too.

It was okay. I really wasn't involved. H came this morning. I made him breakfast and he tried to nap a bit. I really did not want to help with these today. They are a lot more spooky. But I was available. H didn't ask. 2 BIL's helped him so I would have just been in the way anyhow. While they were gone I made H meatloaf and party potatoes to take home. He had said this morning that he hasn't eaten in 2 days. I know that he has, just not any "good" food.

He thanked me when he left. Called few minutes later and left a VM wondering what the meat was. He said not to call him back though cuz he was going to bed. Said thanks again.

[theotherhalf]

but you cannot and should not just sit and do nothing to prepare for the worst. At least IMO. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

One of the reasons I have been working so hard getting things done around here. They are projects that need done because they are unfished or what ever but if I am going to sell this place, they really have to be done.

Plus it keeps my time occupied.

[theotherhalf]

Good Morning,

H came Friday am from work. I made him breakfast and he tried to take a nap before working calves. The dogs wouldn't be quiet so didn't work so well. The guys showed up about nine and they went to get ready. I guess all went well and they got done about 12:30. They came here a bit to visit. H had said earlier that he had not eaten for two days. So while they were gone I made a meatloaf and party potatoes and sent them home with him. He thanked me before he left. Had to work again.

Didn't hear from him or see him Sat. Other than he called to ask if I would go to get batteries for combine. In the end I didn't have to. But otherwise that was it. I guess the guys all went out to the cabin to stay for the night. About 11:45 last night he calls just to talk. He doesn't stay anywhere when he gets drunk so of course he left the cabin and was headed home. He ended up pulling in the drive as we were talking. I laughed and went out to the truck. We talked a little then he said he needed to get home. Of course I was disappointed, thought he'd stay, but didn't question and let him go. Whatever H.

I worked on putting up soffit around the basement stair enclosure this weekend. (job that's been sitting unfinished for 4yrs). I almost finished it yesterday but need one piece. Had no idea what I was doing but with time and patience I figured it out. It looks pretty d*mb good too!

This morning I am going to go to church. H is supposed to come and I think I am supposed to help him take combine and corn head to nearby town to get them worked on. He didn't say for sure, didn't say when, so I guess if I'm gone, huh, he'll either wait or have someone else help him. This afternoon I'll probably work in the basement. See if I can finish that up too.

Felt pretty down and lonely last couple nights. Having strong feelings of filing myself before any more bills pile up. He obviously has no intention of coming home. So why keep this up? Why keep wishing for something that may never happen? I love this man with all my heart. I don't want to be with someone else. But d*mb I'm tired of crying over him. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of the sadness and the rejection. Maybe it's time to find out if those are right that say, "you'll find happiness again, there's always someone else out there"

I don't know...just trying to keep the bubble in the middle.