Well Shiny, we have plans to chill out and watch videos today. I told H after our last MC session that "we'll talk" is something I wanted to do Sunday (tomorrow) and not put off for years.
I know it will be excruciating for both of us in many ways. I want to try not to let my emotions get the best of me, and try to learn as much as I can about all of the stages of what went wrong---for future reference and for being proactive about not ever having this happen again.
It helped me to see your post about CJ's "I'm sorry" email. When H and I were at the point of deciding whether or not to try to reconcile, he wrote me a long letter.
He described that he was so sorry and felt so guilty that it made him feel physically sick to know that he had betrayed me--his best friend, his partner that he loved and respected. He asked me to forgive, but knew that neither one of us would ever really be able to forget and worried that this would all be some dark cloud hanging over us. He said that he knew full-well the damage he'd done and that saying "I'm sorry" seemed so lame in light of the magnitude of the betrayal.
These are all thing that I need to keep in the front of my mind when we talk. I know that, like CJ, my H is going to be struggling with self-forgiveness for a long time.
I know that he'd love to have this talk over with and never ever have the subject come up again. I want him to see that, from my perspective, never talking about it again would be a big mistake. Like you, I need to be able to say, "this is the annaversary of such and such or something really triggered me today".
Isolating and not communnicating--suffering and ruminating over deep, dark emotional stuff is a big part of what got us in trouble in the first place! We've made a lot of progress on communicting better, so I think it would be a step backward to not be able to talk about the results and aftermath of his A.
It all seems like a very fine line that I'm going to have to walk. Please wish me luck!
