hi i just need to vent.. but some feedback & different perspective on this DAM behaviour would be appreciated
set-up 1- custody was 'switched around' to accomodate H's work schedule. However, he asked for additional time when it would work out, since in the upcoming 10 weeks would be one of his peak seasons & resulting high work hours. It rained last night & today, which makes his work not possible, which is when we agreed he would take D.
2- Last night phone call I asked about bringig D to his place today so they could watch the intra-state rival football game on TV today. She had been asking about it since she came back to my place on Thursday.
3-He had been adamant that he had no plans, just wanted to sit home & watch the game on 'his big screen'. There was something in the way he said it, that led me to think.. that's not what he is planning... but he was adamant even upon me asking "you're not going to ask relative #1. or employee #1 & 2 over to watch with you? Or go to relative #2's house where you usually watch it?" Nope. Nope. Nope.
OK, fine.
4- He hedged about D. coming up, but said he thought that could be fun.
5- About an hour ago, I don't know why.. but instead of just packing D up in the car and taking her up there, per what I thought was our agreeement, he would take her when it rained & watching the 'big game' with her would be fun, was something he thought was a good idea.... I had D call him.
6-Guess who was not at home?? He was employee #2's house trying to watch the game, but guess what?? The cable company there was not carrying it.. then D said, but it's on here Dad. So he's going to finish eating lunch/drinking beer and be here in the next hour. It's already the start of the 2nd half. Not sure why he's even coming now.
I'm so angry.. why couldn't he just be honest & tell me last night he had plans. I'm sure he'll tell me he just answered my questions..
employee #2 wasn't coming to H's house and H was not going to relative #2's house. He was going to employee #2's house.. I am so angry. trying to figure out how to act as if..
I think I may just leave the house when he gets here.. I have errands to run anyways.
uggg... thanks to whomever is listening.
Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Personally, I don't think he is being dishonest more than not thinking. For a DAM, plans can change on a whim without thinking things through. Hard to say, though, not having been part of the conversation.
But if it were me, I'd probably leave. Go do some seriously sweaty exercising to get my aggression out.
I just want to point out something.. I am not sure.. about pointing it out. But.. it will clear things up for me.
I said this...
You will have to deal with it tonight.
Because I knew I was not gonna use the Quote boxes.
I got this in response..
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
to some extent.. there was a lot of hurt in the car ride home. I got the impression, he didn't think I would tell the C the things I did. I got the impression he wanted to justify and argue with the C's commentary about his actions of blaming and mostly of his anger. He had a lot of internal struggling going on. I kept trying to validate & understand from his perspective. I was pretty drained after the 2 hour car ride home & told him I needed space to regroup & re-energize. I got blamed him hurting because I left again.
So lets look at this a sec...
Lot of hurt.. K.. got that.
When you say I got the impression.. it makes me think.. you caught him off guard.
I don't discount your thought.. I have been sitting in the seat with the uncomfortable ride.. many times. I see both sides.. nobody is wrong yet.
Then you say justify.. and argue with C's comments about his "actions".
Then you define his actions.. Blaming, Anger, Internal Struggle.
The ride home was "uncomfortable" because the C was "More of the Same" for him.
You can't put someone in a situation where they feel "attacked" and not expect them to react the same way.
Let me say this.. The teacher is not reaching the student.
You gotta know that there is always one student.. that just does not get it. Maybe they need a new teacher. Maybe they need the teacher to reach out some. Maybe they are hopeless. The teacher has to figure it out..
You are not the teacher here. You can't be. The student will not listen to the teacher.
If I need to say it I will.. Find a "different" C for him and you together.
From what I am reading.. I know what he is feeling. I see it in the reaction you are writing about.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Yes.. past experience with H (as recently as last week) leaves me to believe that when his voice is intense, his words get nasty & he is judgemental he will be relentless until I am emotionally or mentally hurt.
This is a expected response. It relates to the effort to control things. When thing are out of control.. you use the tools you have to "grab" control. Two things that you can do to "grab" control would be... Overwhelm or Entertain.
Now being a man.. fighting a woman.. I am going to Overwhelm. I am going to take that "Emotion" and use it against you.
Or
I am gonna say something funny. In saying/doing something funny.. I am gonna have to "control" the situation. Or take it somewhere.
The Go To tool.. is gonna be Overwhelm.
I got $5 on it.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I have a physical reaction... I draw inward, my shoulders hunch forward, my head goes down, my face freezes into my 'poker face', my breaths become shallow, my whole body freezes.. like a hare trying not to be seen by the fox in the meadow.
There is a picture on FB.. of my son. He is hard at work..
Read the caption.
Trust me when I say.. long before you ever get to what you just posted.. that DAM knows where things are going. When he sees the reaction.. he knows he won. It's funny how people that know us.. can make us do the same thing.. over and over.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I am expecting that he will not intentionally frighten/scare/ridicule me if he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic expectation.
So the Expectation is what is biting you. My/His definition of Love.. may be way different than yours. I can tell he Loves you.. just because he is going to C. I can tell you Love him.. just because you are posting here.
You love me.. by pulling me close and telling me to undress you.
I am gonna assume.. you Love something different.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Honest to whom? Honest implies 'truth'.. there are several truths & perspectives. If they are 'honest' to him, I don't want to be with a man who believes those things about me. That is not who I am.
I don't know... I can be Honest with you.. and never tell you the Truth.
Lets see....
Bridgestone... I can't believe how strong of a woman you are. I feel the pain you write about. I wish I could help you figure this all out.
Bridgestone.. I have NFC what to say.
The Truth and the Honesty.. lies it what you really believe.
Tell me.. which one of those statements.. is honest.
Which one is the truth?
Or...
Could there be something else?
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
C asked the same thing... told me I was to monitor his intensity and tell him when it was getting too much for me to handle. It has worked a couple times.. other times I get to it too late & he blows up. And again.. it becomes my responsibilty to monitor his feelings & my fault if he blows, becasue I didn't see it soon enough.
I hear the C agree with me alot.
It worked. Then it did not. Focus on why it worked.
You are not at fault.
If you see it coming.. and don't react.. then you are 50% responsible. Strive to make it all his fault. Never point it out. You let him figure that one out.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
That creates this cycle... he blows up, reflects (takes 2 days to 2 weeks), falls into the woe-is-me pool & apologizing every other second (another 2 days to a week), I am compassionate & understand we all make mistakes, forgive him.. things are neutral (2 minutes to 2 days)...intensity builds (2 minutes to 2 days). back to blow up.
Look at what you just wrote. Think about it. Tell me where you continued the cycle.
Now make a list of thing you could do to stop the cycle.
The balance always shifts.
I want you to think from the heart.. and your mind. I want you to label what is what. Don't let me down on this. I expect you will. Surprise me.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
at some point the lifeguard goes off duty & someone else takes their place... either the coast guard, the head life guard.. someone.
The Lifeguard on the beach is not a pure example. If you take away the time limits.. it could be. The question becomes.. do you want the person that has been on the job for "5" years to save you? Or do you think you can swim better?
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
the other thing is if you are in the water with them... they pull you under. Try to climb out, by climbing on top of you... end result.. you both need saving or you both drown.
See.. this is where thing go wrong. One of the first things they teach you in Life guarding.. is what to do with someone attacking you. Lets just say.. I dragged the best swimmer at my pool to the bottom of the 12 ft well. I was the only one who came up relaxed. I knew he was gonna attack me. He did not know I was gonna make him fight for it. He had to take a break. Even more so.. I had to help him out of the pool. The second I hit the water.. I knew where I was going.
"Drowning.. yep.. that was how I described how I felt in my M. before I left."
Don't let him pull you down. Fight for what you know. Sometimes you become the "Lifeguard".
Now..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You seem to be in a never ending cycle with your H and the C sessions. Something has to change, either what you are doing there or going to a different C. You both are fighting for the same thing you are just on opposite sides. You need to find some common ground and work from there.
You are a strong person to put yourself through all of this and still be working on your M. I keep wavering back and forth wondering if its all worth it and how much longer I can put up with it.
drama, drama, drama... been there done that, know what it looks like, have no doubts I feed into it & off of it.
being physically pushed into a corner when I try to leave a room is not my idea of just drama.
then having the blamed for it heaped on my shoulders as I hunched in the same corner crying.. well... i think i make bad choices.
He says this morning he is done, he has again crossed his own boundaries of what he will tolerate for his own... why does he have to get to the point where he totally destroys any trust he has rebuilt to acknowledge doing that is unacceptable? Where is impulse control?
I'm am checked out emotionally today... i am numb inside.
Yet can not seem to function.. I want to crawl back into bed and sleep, yet have too much riding on doing work: at work, at school, at home and really no idea how to even start.
I guess just one foot in front of the other. thanks for listening Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Did he push you again? I thought it had been awhile since he'd done that. If he's doing it again, that's pretty bad.
Clearly he feels a boundary has been crossed. He doesn't see things the way you see them. So how does that sync with your own perspective? Who knows why he does what he does, but that's what he does and it doesn't sound like he's going to change very easily. This is who he is and you are put in the position of determining how much you're willing to accept.
I understand needing to get work done. But you also can't allow that to take over and not deal with your emotional life. Suppression isn't good, so maybe you can find a balance of some sort?
Take some time for yourself so that you can get rid of some of that spinning - take a long walk or whatever. Work is much easier after that.
