My heart breaks for you. I can feel a lot of myself in your story. Keep taking those baby steps. One moment at a time. I know how difficult the waffling is. Heck my now ex is STILL waffling between me and the OW and we are offically divorced now. He still doesn't understand that he made his choice. When you are ready, you need to tell your H that you love him and you love your family, but you think more highly of yourself than to allow him to have an affair while you sit back and accept it.
I also want you to seriously think about no longer ML to your husband until he ends his relationship with the OW. Who knows what diseases he could possibally be bringing into your marriage bed? I hate to say that, but that is became a stark realitiy to me the past few weeks. Besides....what message does that send him? That he can ML to two women and they both are fine with it? Something for you to think about.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I also want you to seriously think about no longer ML to your husband until he ends his relationship with the OW. Who knows what diseases he could possibally be bringing into your marriage bed? I hate to say that, but that is became a stark realitiy to me the past few weeks. Besides....what message does that send him? That he can ML to two women and they both are fine with it? Something for you to think about.
Sara, I'm glad YOU said that. I make that appeal with almost everyone I post to who chooses to continue to ML while their spouse is wayward, and people think I'm just being a paranoid hard-ass.
There's nothing funny about STDs, and -- almost by DEFINITION -- wayward spouse's affair partners are VERY highly likely to have something.
I also think ML weakens the betrayed spouse's resolve, and makes it much harder to emotionally detach and do some of the tough stuff that's often necessary.
I also think ML weakens the betrayed spouse's resolve, and makes it much harder to emotionally detach and do some of the tough stuff that's often necessary.
I can agree with that. It threw me for quite a loop and took awhile to recover. I see know why that is never a good idea.
Last edited by yenko69; 09/19/0801:17 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Just going about life with the kids... while he is having a grand time with no responsibilities.
Waiting to see if he decides to come back?
Is that all I do?
Sandy
His repercussions and consequences will come later, not to worry. Both in this world and the next.
No, you are not "waiting to see if he decides to come back." You are "moving on with your life, as if he is no longer in it." You are moving on down the path, and NOT looking constantly over your shoulder to see if he's following you. You walk down it righteously, carrying a lantern to shine a light back toward your marriage, but you otherwise make no effort to attract him. One day you may feel a tap on your shoulder, but maybe not. And on that day, you may decide to take him back.
I had an interesting conversation for about an hour and a half yesteday with a mutual couple friend of ours from years back.
They used to be our best friends... she had an affair...prior to kids..they worked it out and have been happily married for close to the same amount of time we have been married.
Hubby keeps in contact with them and they are aware of our situation. The last they knew he was home... they didnt realize he left again, didnt go on our trip with us, came home and left yet again.
Hubby has talked with them in great lengths..said he loves me..but is fearful things will be good and fall back into a bad rut in a year or two and he will be too old by then.
He has said grass with OW is not greener on the other side....(but he goes back).
Being that the OW knew us so well, our friends said she plays on all the things she knows he is insecure about to keep him.
They gave me some opposite advice from what I am reading here..in terms of being told to not talk to him.
They think he needs to hear how much I love him and have faith we can work through this....
So.. I am confused..its all a matter of opinion?
I did say to hubby the other day in my many texts that I loved him ..his affair made me feel like garbage.... he texted back that I was a wonderful woman and any guy would love to have me..i deserved better than him.
So, yes he knows how I feel. I dont think OW is the woman of his dreams...or is she. I think he is also filled with guilt and that is a factor ....
I am crushed..he took her to a Journey concert last night... got a message from a friend they were there and very drunk...makes me ill..she doesnt even know the words to Journey songs... she is too young.
OW will get drunk all the time with him... to me that is a false sense of reality..not having to deal with life if you are always drinking...but maybe it is just simple fun.
Hubby is supposed to be here within the next hour to pick up the kids for soccer... hope he is not late... that will devistate the kids.
Yesterday was our 6 month from when he left... it was an icky day..glad its over...
I'm not sure what to do for the best in that regard.
I can tell you that, in my experience, telling my wife I loved her seems to be like telling her something she doesn't want to hear about 80% of the time.
She seems to be in a place where, if she can meet me and we DO NOT mention the fact that we do indeed have feelings for each other, everything is 100% okay. (She DOES and HAS acknowledged them... but when SHE feels like doing so... and one day to the next how she feels seems to change)
Over the last 3 months she has told me she loved me very much. Then, over the course of THREE DAYS, completely changed her mind. She now 'loves me but it is not enough'
THREE DAYS seperate 'I love you... we are working on things' and 'I love you but it is not enough'
I'm sorry... ranting now... but when confronted by such emotionally unstable individuals... how can we know?
He already knows you love him. Why are you making this HIS decision?
After cheating on you now FOUR TIMES, this now needs to be YOUR decision, and HE needs to know that.
Your friends love you, and want to see both of you out of pain. However, they are WRONG on this one. Your husband is an addict at this point -- addicted to OW, and to indecision -- and telling him you love him, and are there for him, and asking him what HE wants to do, and pursuing him . . .
It's simply not going to work. If you don't believe ME, or anyone else on here, then believe how well that's worked the last three times you've tried it with him.
