I did get sleep. I am just really confused right now, more than I have been I think for this entire time. I feel more detached, but still very unhappy if this makes sense. I think H is acting like a child, and I am just so upset because I know this is not really him. I have never seen him like this. If I don't handle the next month perfectly, and moving back in perfectly, he could do something really major to damage the relationship beyond repair. He already thinks it is very damaged, and it is, but he hasn't yet exactly verbalized that there is no hope for it. He sort of acts like he wishes there were hope, but that he is not willing to work on it. It needs to just appear as do his feelings about wanting to be married. This would be nice...
I am very confused about what my next steps should be in terms of going back, and even Jody thought this was a hard one. If I knew for sure that me giving him an extra 30 days or something would soften him, I would make this happen no matter what it took. As it is, I just know that without any guarantees or gestures of reconciliation, I need to get back into my own home to have SOME peace of mind and stability. If I don't approach this in the right way, I will scare H away, and this might be to the point of no return. However I don't want to have a conversation like this with him via email or IM or even phone. I think he needs to man up a little honestly. He is 36 years old now and acting like a teenager with no responsibilities. I guess this is classic MLC. I am trying now to find a way to put the ball in HIS court, for him to think about our finances for the next few months, and how they impact on his school and other things that HE wants to do. If he can make the connection between the shortage of money, his own tuition, and the expenses of having another apartment, maybe he would be more open. The problem is he wants control over EVERYTHING, but he isn't living in reality, so he can't see what's going on. The only reason that we are able to live like we do now is because I am not paying for my apartment in Poland. My company can't support my broken heart forever.
If you have ANY ideas about how to plant this seed in his mind, I'd love to hear them. Problem is he is already angry over finances like the problems with them are already all my fault so I don't know if this will add fuel to his fire of rage. My one bargaining chip here is that the money to pay his tuition comes from my stocks and bonuses, so if he were not with me at all, the tuition couldn't be covered. I would never say this, but I would hope he could recognize this on his own.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit--not hopeless, but lost. I am 99% sure that if I could be back in the house and he gave it a few weeks chance, things would be OK between us, even if challenging and not exactly what I wanted. It's funny because he talked about this temporary roommate that he has, and said that he is like a "quiet version of me". This roommate sounded like the only person he could be around. Jody felt like he was saying he could be around me if I were quiet and unobtrusive. However he needs to see this for an extended period of time before believing it. It's the chicken and egg thing here...
So this is why I hope Poland works out.
Anyway if you have any suggestions or advice I'd love to hear them/it!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
