Well... here it is... a new day. Fresh news too. Puppy, or anyone else who feels they can help, I genuinely would like you to read this long post as I now wish to formulate a battle plan with MY best interests at heart.
I have woken up, shaken my head and decided two things.
1. I love my wife. I cannot help it. I would take her back into my life. I acknowledge that is a fact I cannot change.
2. That said, no matter how great the temptation, I WILL NEVER take her back again as my partner unless it is on MY terms. I have learnt and refuse to let myself be hurt again on her whims.
My terms are incredibly simple:
Choose. It is either him or me. If it is me I want instant assurances. She MUST tell him she is done with the relationship as she is working on her marriage. She MUST inform her family and friends of the same thing.
If she can do these things I will agree to dating, emotional support and all my efforts to please her and be there for her. If she cannot... I shall not be there anymore.
This is my final decision.
Now to the current situation:
a) My wife performed a stunning 180 after 10 weeks of intimate dating and family outings.
What mistakes did I make? The over-riding mistake I think I made during this period was to become quite 'needy' and ask alot for reassurances (for obvious reasons in retrospect) and to talk too much about moving back in together. On the other hand, I only felt 'needy' because the environment I dated my wife in was one of her choosing... and that happened to be one in which I could not be sure her affair was over for good. Classic catch 22.
b) My wife called two days later to ask if 'I was okay'?
Incredible... but true. This struck me very much like a soldier shooting a man and then running over to him to ask him how he feels about it. Amazing behaviour. I told her 'I was confused' and asked if she 'was she sure she hadn't made a rash decision'. She said maybe she had and just needed 'space'. 'January-speak' all over again. Space = 'room to carry on with my affair unhindered by you' (nods @ Puppy)
c) My wife called to say thanks for flowers I left on her birthday.
Sweet... isn't it?
d) My wife called LAST NIGHT so our child could talk to me.
Yes... and displayed overt interest in talking to me too. No tears or emotion. I was pleasant, had a caring tone, but after having a small talk I ENDED THE CONVERSATION. She did not want me to go as I was kind of running with a joke and refusing to give her the punchline. It was good to end a phone call that she was not ready to end. Felt like control. C.O.N.T.R.O.L
Is this the feeling she has had all along? This feeling of control? It is quite exhilerating... to have in one's hands the power to decide how another shall feel. I have just typed that and realised something: my wife loves control. She is a control junky. She is addicted to being the gatekeeper for the emotions of others. She is a control junkie!!!!!
YUCK!
Well... I guess what I have to think about now is when and how to have this conversation with my wife. When I do... should I appear like I have no emotion and couldn't care less (probably impossible) or do I show strength but accept I will become upset at some point or another?
I thought about taking my wedding ring and handing it to her as a gesture of my seriousness to walk away if she cannot make up her mind.
