Wow..I just read your sitch... yes..we are in the exact same boat..our spouses are treating us the same...they love us..they dont love us..they love us...
We need to take everyones advice and brianstorm together:)
Well... here it is... a new day. Fresh news too. Puppy, or anyone else who feels they can help, I genuinely would like you to read this long post as I now wish to formulate a battle plan with MY best interests at heart.
I have woken up, shaken my head and decided two things.
1. I love my wife. I cannot help it. I would take her back into my life. I acknowledge that is a fact I cannot change.
2. That said, no matter how great the temptation, I WILL NEVER take her back again as my partner unless it is on MY terms. I have learnt and refuse to let myself be hurt again on her whims.
My terms are incredibly simple:
Choose. It is either him or me. If it is me I want instant assurances. She MUST tell him she is done with the relationship as she is working on her marriage. She MUST inform her family and friends of the same thing.
If she can do these things I will agree to dating, emotional support and all my efforts to please her and be there for her. If she cannot... I shall not be there anymore.
This is my final decision.
Now to the current situation:
a) My wife performed a stunning 180 after 10 weeks of intimate dating and family outings.
What mistakes did I make? The over-riding mistake I think I made during this period was to become quite 'needy' and ask alot for reassurances (for obvious reasons in retrospect) and to talk too much about moving back in together. On the other hand, I only felt 'needy' because the environment I dated my wife in was one of her choosing... and that happened to be one in which I could not be sure her affair was over for good. Classic catch 22.
b) My wife called two days later to ask if 'I was okay'?
Incredible... but true. This struck me very much like a soldier shooting a man and then running over to him to ask him how he feels about it. Amazing behaviour. I told her 'I was confused' and asked if she 'was she sure she hadn't made a rash decision'. She said maybe she had and just needed 'space'. 'January-speak' all over again. Space = 'room to carry on with my affair unhindered by you' (nods @ Puppy)
c) My wife called to say thanks for flowers I left on her birthday.
Sweet... isn't it?
d) My wife called LAST NIGHT so our child could talk to me.
Yes... and displayed overt interest in talking to me too. No tears or emotion. I was pleasant, had a caring tone, but after having a small talk I ENDED THE CONVERSATION. She did not want me to go as I was kind of running with a joke and refusing to give her the punchline. It was good to end a phone call that she was not ready to end. Felt like control. C.O.N.T.R.O.L
Is this the feeling she has had all along? This feeling of control? It is quite exhilerating... to have in one's hands the power to decide how another shall feel. I have just typed that and realised something: my wife loves control. She is a control junky. She is addicted to being the gatekeeper for the emotions of others. She is a control junkie!!!!!
YUCK!
Well... I guess what I have to think about now is when and how to have this conversation with my wife. When I do... should I appear like I have no emotion and couldn't care less (probably impossible) or do I show strength but accept I will become upset at some point or another?
I thought about taking my wedding ring and handing it to her as a gesture of my seriousness to walk away if she cannot make up her mind.
I really admire this new resolve of yours, but let me ask you a key question:
What is it your wife is asking of you right now? Reconciliation? Wants you to date her? Wants you to move back in? Wants you to believe her affair is over and therefore wants thus-and-such from you? What?
Unless I missed it, I'm not seeing where she's asking for ANYTHING, other than the status quo (living apart, still seeing each other, friendly terms, "believe her" when she says she's not having an affair, etc.). If that's the case, I don't think you're in a position to be dictating any terms. Terms of WHAT?? The only way you'll take her back? Has she ASKED you to take her back??
I apologize if I'm missing something; I'm following a lot of sitches.
Well I guess my wife is asking for 'space' again because she hasn't 'fully digested what happened' (meaning last week when she told me it was all off again)
She told me that she 'didn't want things to be weird between us' no matter what happens.
In my mind that means she is taking a short while to think if she REALLY wants to call off the progress we were making (i.e. dating and planning for the future)
That means, to ME, I have been giving space and I am approaching a time where I cannot hang around. I am not willing to wait around another 3 months for her to change her mind.
It's also called "Plan B" by other authors. It basically has you totally disconnecting from her -- ALL communication and interaction -- even going via a 3rd party for essential financial stuff, or stuff about children.
Jimi - I feel horrible for you, but this does seem to be going down the way most of us thought it would.
Puppy makes a great point in that, how can you give her an ultimatum for terms for getting back together, if in fact, she hasn't made any real effort to get back together with you?
There is something that happens in a situation like yours, where you, the left behind spouse, are waiting in limbo and she, the walk away spouse, is waffling between the affair partner and the marriage partner. When this dynamic occurs, the walk away spouse cannot truly make a choice. They seem to be stuck in a quagmire of confusion. It seems that until either the spouse or the affair partner makes their OWN choice, the walk away spouse cannot move forward.
This is why everyone encouraged you not to let her eat cake. When you do this, she is literally unable to move forward and make a choice.
However, when you remove your slice of the cake from her equation, then she can make a real choice.
The left behind spouse doesn't want to do that, because they are always afraid that if they take away their cake, the walk away will forget about them and rush into the arms of the affair partner.
But that isn't actually what happens all the time....sometimes what happens is that the walk away spouse gets jolted back to reality when the left behind spouse takes away their cake. And ALSO the WAS finally has respect for the LBS again...this is a KEY toward her making a choice!! IE: How can she choose you if you are showing her that you will be disrespected by her with no consequences?
I know this whole thing is very unfair to you, and you have every right to be angry, heart-broken, etc.
But none of those emotions are going to resolve your dilemma right now. You need a counselor to talk through those emotions and deal with them.
The only thing you can do that may cause a change in the situation, is to tell her this (which is NOT an ultimatum, it is a boundary):
"Wife, I have given you your space, now I need mine. I am discusted and angry at what you have done to our marriage. I am no longer willing to date my own wife while she is dating/carrying on an affair with another man. I plan to assume you are not going to end your affair since you have made no concrete assurances that you have. Therefore, I have no choice but to get an attorney and get this ball rolling. I don't have anything else to say about it at this time, but I will be receptive to you if you have anything to say. Whether you do or you don't have anything to say, I am still speaking to a lawyer as early as possible".
That's it. That's all. That's the only thing that will possibly shake her out of her fog, and even that might not do it. But even if she does not shake out of her fog, at least she will respect you again.
P.S....don't make the above statement to her in some attempt to frighten her to coming back. Only say it if it is true and you DO plan to speak to an attorney.
The thing is... around 6 weeks into dating me she told me this:
"I have made my decision. I want you. I do not love the OM and it is over. Do you think I would have gotten so involved with you if I hadn't thought this through?" (All her words)
and...
"I am committed to you 100%"
Those are her exact words. Amazing isn't it. After nearly four months of complete seperation she says that... but she DIDN'T SHOW IT. That's WHY I became clingy, in need of reassurances, etc. The rest we know... she performs a complete 180 and leaves me high and dry.
Anyway.. she then rings two days after her 180 and asks if "I am ok" and agrees she MIGHT have made a mistake but needs space to think.
Since then I have acted BEAUTIFULLY towards her. Bought her flowers on her birthday, spoken and joked on the phone, etc. All that... BUT NOT INSTIGATED ANY CONTACT. She has phoned me to thank me for the flowers and phoned another day for child arrangements (but engaged in a nice chat... which I ended).
Since then, yesterday and so far today, NOTHING.
Anyway... what I am trying to say is that I have been giving her this 'space' she asked for and acting normally. Yet I know we are at odds because I think that when she refers to 'space' she actually means 'some indefinate period' whereas in my mind, and she is unaware of this because I have acted okay about things, I think 'space' means a week or so to reflect on her actions.
That is why I am saying I want to confront her... because I think she feels that I am HAPPY to just wait around. Either that.. or she is feeling happy I am out of the picture again (and that is extremely painful... but I think it may be true at the moment)
Either way I plan on confronting her either tomorrow or the day after. I want her to know I love her, I miss her, I have enjoyed our time together greatly and I KNOW she has too, and that I need her to explain to me... clearly and without any crapping around.. WHY she has made such an extreme about turn in the space of three days. I feel it is absolutely reasonable for her to tell me the truth of the situation and stop diddling and faffing around with non-starter comments like 'I love you but love is not enough' or 'I just need space'
In my mind, if she cannot give me answers, I want to let her know I am through hanging around.
I admit, the situation NOW is different to January (the BIG split). NOW she wants to 'be friends' even if the worst happens... she says she doesn't want "things to be awkward between us". I find that incredible to contemplate. I think what she means is "I want to know you are there if I need you"
I aint being her lapdog anymore. I am MORE than that.
A mutual friend, who has never agreed with her actions and decisions regarding the marriage, phoned her today. I spoke to her afterwards. She said when she spoke my wife sounded very jovial and in good spirits. She told this friend about the flowers I had bought her. Again... confusing picture at best.
