My H defenitely admits that he has a drinking problem and often says he doesnt know why he drinks so much, but he just enjoys it. He also admits that he shouldnt drink and drive because he doesnt want to injur anyone else, but he still does that too.
I have gotten to the point where I dont point out the drinking problem to him anymore, and he seems to do it more himself now. If he wants to go out, I say have fun and be safe. I know I have no control over him and I cant change him. We dont even live together yet, so its hard for me to always know what he is doing.
I feel like becuase we arent living together yet, I can live with his lifestyle. But if he were to want to move in together again, I feel like there would have to be some more boundaries. He is not ready for that yet though.
There have been a lot of good improvements lately. He has started to stay here all but about two nights out of the week. Those are the nights he has his gigs (mon. and tues). We have been doing a lot of fun things together lately, like golfing and going on vacation and starting up two new bowling leagues. We have amazingly found a nice balence between hanging out doing his choice of activities and others days doing mine.
My H just did a roof job and instead of taking cash, he exchanged a hot tub and a boat for his labor. Both items are kindof old, but in good shape and still running smooth. So he asked me if I wanted to put the hot tub in the back yard at my townhouse since he is living in an apartment. I said sure, we have been wanting one for a while. We got it cleaned out and filled up the other day and all we need now is for someone to do the electrical. I cant wait! More excuses for some romance. Yeah.
So life is pretty good right now, despite the issues that seem to slowly be healing. Take Care, TIPPER
Glad you are feeling good. I think you are in a good place, you know your boundaries and it sounds like you are willing to express them when you feel you need to. In the mean time you can take it as it comes. Sometimes I think we over think the whole get prepared thing and push stuff that maybe we would be better off if we just waited and watched for a bit first.
Hope you are having a fun weekend
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
Things have been going so great lately it is kindof scarey.
My H and I are spending a lot of time together & I love it. He has even started to come over after his gigs and band practices when usually he would just stay at his place becuase they end late. But he came over two times this week that usually he wouldnt and spent the last hour of our nights together before heading to bed.
The other day we went to one of his family get togethers and while we were there his MIL was explaining to a toddler-cousin of my H's that I was his girlfriend. My H corrected his mom and said she is my wife. That is definite progress, since last spring he was introducing me to people as just his girlfriend. I was thrilled.
We are still working at getting our electrical hookup for the hot tub. Yeah- cant wait till it is up and running.
My H has come to several gatherings this past week with our old group of friends and it feels so good to see him hang out with a few of them again.
Well, thats about all that is new. But I am just starting to feel a bit more comfortable with our sitch. and things seem to be slowly stabelizing.
O.k. last night my H told me he was gonna come over. When we talked he said he would be there in 45 min. He ended up being about 1 hour and a half instead. He came over about 8:30ish at night. So I ate dinner with out him. He said he was at the pub. He later told me that he got out of work at 4:30ish so he was there that whole time (about 4 hours).
It drives me nuts sometimes that I dont see him until 8 or 9 at night most weeknights. I never know where he is or what he's doing in between work and when I see him. Most often he tells me he was at one of the bars.
I guess I am just feeling down that I am never enough for him. He needs to have all this time away from me while I sit at home and wonder about him. I feel like he has made progress since he is not out all night, but he is still going out a lot before he comes to end the night with me.
I live my life so alone feeling. Even when we are supposed to have plans for the night, he ends up pushing me off until way later in the evening so he can still get his dose of his buddies and beer before he comes over.
Last night, I was hurt that he was late again. He asked me if I was mad, and I said no but I could tell that he knew I was in a funk. I am not mad that he wants to see his buds but, I am his wife and I should take priority over them when really I am the one that gets shoved to the back burner over and over. I am feeling really hurt today.
I decided to be loving when I woke up and said goodbye to him before work today. But I also said to him that I am going to trivia with my friends tonight. I am sick of trying to plan my night around him and then he ends up being so late that my evening gets ruined. I am going to start acting like I dont care if I see him nightly or not, I will not call or text him unless if he does first. I will be busy GAL and he can try to base his night around me.
MY H also told me last night that he mentioned to his favorite bar owner to start a pitch league. So now he asked me to do that with him. Gosh,we are at the bars almost nightly already and now we have another reason for him to want to be there on a night he doesnt usually go.
I am so worried. Some days I feel so good about the way we are healing, but then on other days I feel like my life is not complete. I have a H, but he is often not around for the daily things like making and eating dinner, bill paying, grocery shopping, relaxing and watching t.v., walking the dog together, ect. Instead he is at the bar and overly indulged in friends of his.
Also, another thing is that the other night there was this girl at his gig that was talking to him about Volunteer fire fighting. She was not a threat to me, but she did offer to buy my H a beer. And he said sure. I was about 10 feet away. It jsut urkes me that when a guy asks me if I want a drink, I usually say thanks but no thanks because I am married. He doesnt even think about things like that.
My H says often to his friends when the topic of marriage is brought up, that he thinks it is a bad institution. It crushes me. He actually says he thinks marriage should be a yearly contract. It makes me feel sick.
I dont know why I am so down today. I am really worried about our future. I am just venting, I dont want to give up. He was really loving to me last night and our time together is pleasent. But it is all the time he is out with out me that bugs me. We have had a lot of progress, but he still acts like he doesnt want to move in together.
The other night I told an acquaintance that we were still living apart after 5 months of peicing and that person looked at me like I had two heads. They just couldnt understand why we are still living apart and I said it is just because he really still wants his freedom. They looked at me like "you poor girl how are you dealing with this".
You need to stop and take stock of what is important to you and what you are doing for you and relax.
You know what you want and don't worry about what other people think or think is best for you, only you can make that decision.
Work on you PMA and GAL. It sound like you are making progress with your R but not really there, only time will answer the big questions, you can't rush it. Remember patience and taking it slow, and taking care of you.
I think it is great you have other plans, you know if you don't like the way he is treating you in regards to only coming over late, don't let him, and then maybe he will get the idea that you aren't just sitting around waiting for him. It is good to not always be too available, especially in this situation. Also remember we aren't supposed to believe everything that comes out of their mouthes, and certainly we aren't supposed to hang on it. Next time that beer is offered to you, take it.
Hang in there, big hug
J
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
You guys are so right. I just need to refocus and relax.
I plan on making new goals, and I will post them soon.
I actually had a great night last night. Trivia was fun and about a half hour after I got there, my H was texting me telling me that he has an electrician over at my place to look at the electical hookup for our hottub. I said that he could stay there until I got home around 9.
He did. And on my way out of trivia I ran into 3 of his new friends that are all bar tenders from other bars in town. They all said Hi to me and it was the first time I have been able to talk to them with out my H around. They were asking lots of ?'s about why we dont live together yet. It was weird becuase I see now that even they think he is crazy for the way he is living. They said they try to always make him walk home when he is wasted and that they thought I should give him some sort of ultimatums.
I didnt agree with them. But I was happy they are on my side and look after my H when I am not there.
Anyways, the night with my H was great. He said he wants to hang with me again tonight. I was just freaking out and feeling down. I know I should know better. I am just so happy that I can vent here. THANKS, I will pop back in later, TIPPER
Popping back in, Tonight my H and I were supposed to go to a trivia night together as usual. However, He actually called around 7:20 to say he was still at the bar from the golf tournament he was in today and his buddy was coming to hang with him so he wasnt gonna be able to make trivia.
I was happy that he called and didnt just blow me off. But he has been changing a lot of our plans lately to just go party at the bars. It worries me. Also, this friend that is meeting him tonight is very troubled and just had a break up with his girlfriend due to a recent DWI. I get afraid that my H wants to talk to him because he can relate to his depression and alcoholism. They feed off of each other.
I am glad he called. It is progress. Now I have to just be happy for that and not get angry that he isnt here.
Well at 11:30 my H called and said he was home at his apartment and thanked me for not getting mad that he went out. He said he had a great night and bar hopped for a little after golfing. He said he wanted to come and see me but he knows he shouldnt drive. I obviously agreed it wasnt a good idea.
He was so loving and apologetic and said he wants to spend tomorow night together. Then we said good night.
Ten minutes later, it was so cute - he called back and was so loving again and said he just wants to here my voice. He was very sorry this time that he didnt get to see me all night. He started to put himself down and was saying he knows he has a problem and he needs to focus on getting better. I said I was here for him and that I will never get sick of him saying he loves me.
Well, we have had a bit of a set back this weekend. My H seemed depressed from friday-saturday. We stayed in friday night since he was so hung over from the night before. Then on Sat. we started a new bowling league with my parents and brother (whom are on other teams).
Bowling went well even though my H despises my Brother and it was only the second time my rents have seen my H in the last 5 months. Afterwards we went to his folks for lobster dinner with his brother and girlfriend and his grandparents.
Half way through dinner my MIL was asking me how my brothers were doing and I was updating them all. All of a sudden my H blurts out cruel and mean comments about my brother that he hates. It was so uncalled for and I was so embarressed that I couldnt even talk, and I started to cry. I quickly pulled myself back together and my h apologized. But I definetly felt like it ruined dinner.
When we got home he apologized again. But i just worry that he will never be able to get over this grudge with him. My brother has been told by my dad to leave my H alone and he is doing so. They both ignore each other.
My h also is scaring me because his future plans have changed drastically. We always wanted to buy a house in the town we live in on the river and towards the country. But now my H says since he has been living in town he loves it. And that is where he wants to live. He said it is because of the convienience. And I corrected him and said , "No, I think it is becasue all the bars are in walking distance". and he actually agreed. But those are still the facts. I am bummed. It looks like our future is so bleak.
