Quoting talitsa:THOUGHTS ON BUTT-UGLY OW's: I've heard from a lot of men about how the visual part is much more of an aspect of their sexual response. Given that, I seriously wonder how my H could have warped his vision enough to have sex with such a truly homely woman...much less have had an EA with her!!!
I try and try to figure out what the heck H could have possibly been attracted to in OW!!! She's got fuzzy carrot red hair, deathly pale white/blue skin and it looks like someone took all of her facial features and smashed them all together in the middle of her face! I can't see even one aspect of her that he would be physically attracted to! I wonder if he had to dress her up in lingerie, high-heels and put a bag over her head in order to have the "two attempts and one partial-success" that he had in trying to have sex with her.
I know I'm being a bit catty, but if you gave that comedian Carrot Top a sex-change and badly botched plastic surgery.....
Personality-wise, she's also a lot of the things that my H doesn't have much respect for.
What you guys have said here about butt-ugly OWs make a lot of sense, but I still struggle with "what the HECK was he THINKING!!!" and "how COULD he have???" and feeling embarrased for him!
her feeding his ego so much must have made him deaf and blind.
I'm so confused about how THAT could have been my competition.
Well I gotta say that I just think to be an OW you have to be butt ugly!!!!! I have struggled with the same sh*t about my H's OW--she is very ugly!!! Anyone who has seen a picture of her agrees and wonders what H is thinking--especially since everything else is a gamble until you get to know the person! Heck I have beauty and brains and braun!! I'm in the best shape of my life!!! I think that sometimes they pick the ugly ones because they already feel low self esteem and they need to pick out someone that is "less than" themselves to feel "better than"...at least I think that is the case in my sitch--H always felt that I thought I was better than him--I never did feel that way and never voiced such a thing--but he's carried that with him for years and I think it is his projection of how he felt....I certainly have much more going for me than the OW and I know that H isn't looking for a future with her--just a roll in the hay--which she it more than willing to supply...obviously she has low self esteem and lack of self respect otherwise she's be seeking a man that could be there for her 100%--instead she is settling--why? well she is butt ugly and they other guys aren't exactly banging down her door (wish they would)...she is not a "hottie"--but I am. :-) Been told that by my OG--who is still just a friend. Ok-now I'm rambling--but yes, doesn't matter how they look, it is the feeding of the ego that matters and the undying attention/affection that these little women give our H's ---H's do lose their senses (all of them) when in the midst of all this!!! If you think of OW as your competition, take a little happiness in knowing that you are the winner!!!
Thanks for being there for me Pam. I am having a very hard time right now. One of the things that keeps going through my mind about the gossip was that Girlfriend's mom told the guy that she KNEW who he was talking about and that she knew the guy's wife very well.
The gossiping guy said that his supervisor that was having the A said he didn't have "a wife, just a girlfriend" . Girlfriend's mom said that we'd been together for going on ten years, had raised our kids together, owned a home together and that doesn't qualify as "just a girlfriend".
Gossip guy then stopped talking and said he was afraid that if this story got back to the guy having the A, that he would fire gossipy guy.
My biggest weakness is my temper. I get hot about things from time to time, but when I get REALLY pissed, I go ice cold and single-mindedly calculating. It is a rage that only jealosy/feeling betrayed can take me to and I become like Arnold S. in the Terminator. I came very close to murder during the first month or so after I found out about the A. My kids and a few good friends had to practically SIT on me to keep me from homicide.
I hate to admit it, but that is what I am feeling like right now. The thought of going through all of this, only to find out that I've been suckered bit time is enough to send me into major search and destroy mode. I hate to admit it, but I'm now back to snoop mode in a way that would make many of the other people on these bb's feel like they were in the presence of a professional snoop that the CIA would love to recruit.
I am trying so hard right now to control myself, but this is a part of my make-up that truly terrifies me.
Please say some prayers for me over the next few days. If there is ANY truth to the gossip, I WANT to know. If there is any truth to it--my H will be dead to me...figuratively if not literally!
Holy Cow! Tal...I take one day off to go to a pal's camp for a swim and BAM!!!!
How in the world am I to keep all of those posts in mind and respond in the 15 minutes I have left????
OKAY, FIRST....Tal, when I read your post about the gossip....MY intuition immediately said "NOPE, no way, bullshit!". That doesn't always happen here.
I read down your post, was amazed at how you handled it and thought you read it all correctly. Left over, embellished rumour crap! UGH!!!!!
(One of our more distant pals had CJ packing up and leaving to go to the OTHER side of the country from OW and all kinds of other nonsense).
NOW, that said....I know the feeling of believing in the moment, trusting your gut (as in my bomb #2) and then later (2 days for me) having serious doubts and worry and anger and snooping!!!
It didn't really do much good (the snooping, brought on a nasty scene or two)...
NOW I'd LOVE to join the "ugly OW" parade, I REALLY REALLY would....only my first glimpse of OW #2 (No real idea what the first one looked like) was a glamour shot she e-mailed me, perfect pose, perfect upswept shining blonde hair, heart shaped face, beautiful . She later sent a normal photo in which she was more just "attractive", about the same as me, I'd say, although she's younger.
I think I've almost eaten my time up Tal...so just what kind of snooping are you doing? What if H finds out? Might that not set you guys back quite a ways??
I should have called this thread Baby Steps, Backsteps and Major Meltdowns
I have not had the confidence in myself not to completely blow up on H right now, so I'm avoiding talking to him directly. We've had a series of voicemails back and forth.
First I told him I didn't understand him being so angry at his gossipy coworkers. His actions in b***king his nurses aid were skanky and caused him to be the center of a bunch of skanky gossip. The gossip was a natural and forseeable consequence of HIS actions, just like me having to struggle with this everyday was a natural and forseeable consequence of HIS actions! And oh, btw, I have been stating repeatedly for the past 7 months that I want FULL DISCLOSURE and all I hear is "we'll talk" and then he AVOIDS that talk.
He calls back and leaves a message saying he's confused about all of this and knows I have asked for full disclosure and maybe we DO need to have that discussion to put the past behind us and so "we'll talk".
My next message said that I thought it was a LONG OVERDUE discussion and that I want some things understood up front. I want FULL, UNVARNISHED disclosure. I don't want him to sugarcoat or leave anything out. I want him to answer ANY questions I have and I won't put up with him giving me smart a$$ answers or trying to bully me with his temper if I hit a nerve.
Let's say I had a good friend who told me that her partner wanted to stay "engaged" for 9 f***ing years and could never quite get to that commiittment. Then she tells me that she catches him cheating on her with a co-worker. Then she tell me he "breaks off the A" but continues to work with OW and says it's not a "big deal" to him and that he simply "ignores" OW. She tells me that her partner has moved out and makes a point of it being a huge secret where he is living for 7 f***ing months. He is telling her he wants to come home and reconcile, but she's hearing rumors that he's STILL seeing the OW at work.
I would probably be VERY cynical and tell my friend that he's probabaly been shaking up with OW the whole damn time. I'd tell her that he obviously was incapable of committment, incapable of being faithful, and incapable of being honest and above-board. Finally, I'd tell her that she belived a word out of that dog-man's mouth, I'd nominate her for some Gullible Idiot of the Year Award.
....and I'd probably tell her that she deserved a partner treated her with respect and didn't betray and violate her heart.
It DOES sound bad when you put it out there like that, Tal.
But how does this sound? A friend of mine was married for 10 years to her perfect match...out of the blue he asks for a D...then stays and "tries", says there IS no OW, no A...then OW calls...he supposed to be moving across the country for her, has plane tickets, OW sends e-mails and photos of them together...
My friend talks this SOB into NOT going...not having to commit to her, either...just take it day by day
He says he wants to work on the M in C. My friend weeps with relief....things seem to be getting better...Then OW calls AGAIN....A has been ongoing the whole time, nearly 8 months by then....Does my friend kick his sorry A$$ to the curb? NOOOO she takes him back. Idiot, fool, gullible...ME!
What these second hand descriptions leave out, Tal, is the heart and soul of the PEOPLE, the couple involved. The instincts that serve us so well at times, and the demons of doubt that torment us needlessly. Which of the two is guiding you? Have you taken some time to sit with yourself, do some meditation?
YES it's time you two had a full talk about the A. Your H should (but probably doesn't) realize that the time for him to be in that power position of what to reveal is over.
I would find it very difficult to have CJ working in vicinity to either OW! I keep forgetting that part of your story when things are going well for you.
When you open the book on the A, so to speak, Realize that you may not think of everything all at once. I asked stuff for some time. This WILL be painful to H. Who likes to remember shameful things? It WILL be painful for you...have you thought about what you want to ask...(I'm sure you have!!).
Dang, this was not a great weekend. Deep breaths, ok. Thanks again for being there for me Pan and Shiny.
Talked to H when he called from work last night. Told him I'm not doing very well with this whole thing about the rumors. He said he's not doing very well with it either. He thinks that it's vicious and intentionally hurtful, rather than just gossip.
I told him who gossip guy was and asked if he knew any reason gossip guy would want to be hurtful to us. H can't think of a reason why. He wanted to know how I would like him to handle the situation.
I want to know where the stories are originating from. I strongly suspect that Butt-Ugly is the source. After saying that, H agrees that she is the only one who would have any motivation to cause trouble for us. Since his R with her, he has found out some very nasty things about her that he hadn't known and now wouldn't put such a thing past her. He says he's still actively job-searching, but wishes she'd just go work somewhere else, move away somewhere so I don't have to deal with this crap. That's nice to know that he says that's how he feels about her these days!!!! So....we decided that H will confront the guy and ask where he heard the story from because we want it to stop.
If Butt-Ugly is spreading this garbage story, we are looking at some ways to deal with it. We are beginning to plan something that I would love to do to her--that is if H can pull it off with a straight face!!!! Anyway, it's a huge relief to try to face this as a team.
We did have a long talk about the whole trust issue. He knows that it's going to probably take a long time. I told him that he can't just do thing on HIS terms all of the time, that he needs to listen to what I say I need for trust to be rebuilt. I said if he can't live his life like an open book to me and have a policy of being completely honest about anything I should know about, then I think he needs to be single and not try to be with me.
I told him that I feel that I have a RIGHT to know if he's lying and/or cheating and I will excersize all options to find out the truth if my intuition starts throwing red flags all over the place.
He says he knows I have the right to check into things if my intuition tells me to, and that he has respect and awe of my intuition--as it has been dead-on so far.
So--I guess right now, I'll use my Indian Nancy Drew skills on dealing with this gossip crap instead of H.
