Trixi and His Highness

[Trixi]

Journaling
So, so tired.
We had discussed camping last weekend and then the Wednesday before he told me that he forgot he had a white river rafting trip on Sunday. But he would come over Friday after working late and then "we could do something Saturday."

Friday he comes over (earlier than expected) and tells me that he found out that the river is 3 hours away and since he doesn't want to get up early, he needs to be on the road by 4pm Saturday so they can stay in a hotel.

So, that meant not having much time to 'do' anything on Saturday.
I told him I was disappointed and he said "just like always" (or something like that) and when I asked if he really felt that way and he said no, he was just kidding. I'm not so sure; because he HAS been disappointing me a lot lately.

I was a 'big girl' about things the next day, helped him pick out a waterproof camera, gave him sunscreen, wished him lots of fun. He said that maybe he'd be over Sun or Mon, but probably Monday. Monday, at 5:30 I send him a TM that says "?" and he calls up and says "I thought I said I would be over tuesday. I feel really sick so not tonight. Maybe tomorrow night." I asked when I would know for sure and he said I should call or text him the next day. Around 2pm he sent me a text that said "still not feeling well sorry" I waited and eventually sent back a text that said "hope you feel better soon" No smiley face, no 'oh poor baby', nothing like that. I did not hear from him until today (thursday) around 3 when he sent a text that said "still feel like poop".

I did send back a text saying "Gee, that's too bad :(" I did *not* ask if and when I will see him again.

I have been keeping myself busy-went out to dinner with a friend last night, went to breakfast with a friend this morning, going out to meet friends tonight, have a meetup picnic on Saturday and 2 invites to go out Saturday night. Not sure if I will do Saturday night-- I might be burned out by then.

A guy that I met at a meetup and I have been emailing and IMing. No, nothing serious. We haven't even talked about relationships. But it is nice to have someone that is 'glad' to see me online. Someone that drops me emails and tells me stuff that he did that day- in detail! Compare and contrast that to my H- since Monday, I have literally seen under 10 words from him.

Consistently, my H picks doing fun stuff with his friends over me; and then the fun stuff with them "takes it out" of him, so I do not get fun stuff. I am getting leftovers and they ain't even that great.
H has been so flakey lately, I am no longer buying groceries for us when he says he's coming over. *That* breaks my heart.
Last night the moon was HUGE and orange- and I wanted to call him to make sure he saw it because it was so cool....but I didn't because I am sick of being rejected.

Went to temp agency to see about getting work to make up the shortfall from the slow real estate market. The good news is that I actually tested very well- especially considering I haven't done bookkeeping for 10 years. Need to get caught up on todays accounting software-luckily, the agency offers online training.

I still love my H; I still wish he would decide to fully reconcile; but I am sick of being treated like an afterthought/inconvenience. I am tired of how it's all about him. I am tired of aching. I want to be cherished. I want to know what it's like to be loved, like I love my H.

So, I'll just make my own plans. Time for him to chase me. Probably not going to happen now, unfortunately. So many negative things have happened lately.
I feel like I am being rejected AGAIN. Only this time, we had a fabulous time together and I am left wondering WTF happened.