Still Supportive but very distant

[JWS]

I guess it has been a while since I have posted but not much has really changed.

I feel like I have three personalities

1 the guy at work that loves his job and does well at it, gets along great with everyone and really has the perfect professional life. plus I got to break the sound barrier today, that was uneventful but still pretty damn cool we hardly get to do that because it tends to piss people off.

2 the happy guy in my personal life, has reconnected with tons of friends met some great new ones, and it really having lots of fun, but feels that there is someone missing and wondering how long to play this game before going out to find some who treats me right. really there is only one thing missing in my life and its not irreplaceable.

3 depressed and angry LBS. this guy only tends to exist on the early morning drive into work, tired or bad dreams in my head my mind wonders and the pain is still there. he tends to come out a lot less but still there. although I guess that good because if goes away completely so do her chances with me.


Latest with her, about two to three nice friendly text conversations a week. never any issues talked about just work and school. she loves hearing about flying, I enjoy school updates. she is stressed and working very long hours but happy and loves it. she still comes to me for help when she needs it, such as computer support and sometimes money (witch I only help with pre agreed upon items) but I never ever ever get a thanks or anything. (some friend)

I have been avoiding trying to see her because I have been on a mental vacation even though I did not make it to new orleans. I am not sure of the next step, I am not sure if I want to see her or when to try, I think waiting till her term is out is best but I will not go home again to our home town and wonder if she is not with me is she with him. she is just not worth that, he can have her if thats her choice.


so basically I am 80% doing pretty well, all of my struggles these days are internal, How long to wait? Am i failing if I walk away? I have no hope so why have i not quit? Can i ever trust her? Can I get over issues and accept her without ever facing them together? To be honest most of my thoughts do not put her in a good light and do not point towards staying married to her, but I can't end it until I have satisfied my own standards and I don't know what those are, but this is not a bad thing, If i end it I know I will be happy and she is happy so who knows.

Time, is it on my side or does it just heal all? guess what only time will tell, so I am not going anywhere but there somewhere out there is an unknown line in the sand. I don't know when or where it is but I know it exist and life without her is not only possible but could be incredible.

please no one take this as me giving up or any reason why you should, its just what has been going through my mind lately.

((((Everyone))))