I wish I felt better. Today was NC day #2 which is probably the most we have gone since starting counseling a couple months back. I miss him terribly but at the same time feel like I need to back way way up because I don't want my heart to choose him this time. I want my head to pick. It needs to be the right decision not just the most confortable or convenient.
It's amazing how a day can change things. That morning I was so over the moon happy to see him, couldn't wait for him to get here, and less than 12 hours later I was telling him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that if this was the best he could treat me divorce papers would be on their way.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
I wish I could rewind.
I know there are things I said that I need to apologize for and that if I reached out to him he would most likely talk to me. But I need to wait this out and have him come to me this time. I am tired of being the pursuer. It's exhausting. It has always been this way in our marriage. If there was a conflict I would chase him down. If I was bored I would chase him down. If I wanted sex I would chase him down. Always running like a looney. I'm not sure he even knows how to pursue!
So this is a huge 180 for me and that is probably why it is so damn hard.
All I do now is go to work, come home, get on here, surf the net, watch tv, and then go to bed. It's disgusting but I feel in zombie mode again and can't seem to bring myself to do the GAL things I should be doing. It's especially hard when my friends are busy and don't have time for me. Oh well. I will try and distract myself somehow. I am really just dreading the weekend though.
