Saturday was just such a miserable, emotionally draining day for me ....mother in the hospital(and flashbacks to my Dad's death and the last year he was with us), arguing siblings and my sitch, I was just a little out of it most of the day.
Although, as far as the sitch goes, it was honestly my wife who got me through Friday and Saturday and offered her shoulder for a good cry, a warm hug and let me vent about my mother and all the BS with my family.
Saturday we had planned to go to a wedding reception for one of my coworkers, late since we were both working. When we got home, I was not feeling into it, she left it up to me and we decided with the time, the drive there and back, that we would skip it.
Prior to making plans to come with me, W had been invited out with friends to do something, and I told her I felt bad about that...her changing her plans and us planning on the wedding all along. She said it was no big deal...and "let's go do something nice...dinner or something".
I suggested a restaurant that we had not been to in years and that she had always loved. No reason for skipping it all this time, other than it is out of the way, but she reminded me that she had asked for so long and finally gave up because I always had an excuse for not going. She remembers asking to go there on her birthday one year and me and D not taking her....does she remember anything nice that I did over the years....jeeezzz.
We had a nice dinner on an outside deck...couple margaritas, an excellent dinner and she was chatty and silly. We had a very nice time, took a the long way home for a nice ride, and W wanted to go home get comfy and relax, which we did.
That night was just a few drinks, some conversation and music at home...nothing special.
She is still acting very relaxed around me, not spending much time out with friends and I am trying to not focus so much on what she may or may not be thinking. Actually the whole day Saturday, between text at work and the evening out and at home, we laughed, joked and had a silly great day.
At one point during the night we were talking about something, and I honestly don't remember what, but she made a reference to our house, and she said "Well, WE WILL still be living here then won't we?"....not sure if it was slip or what, but I have got so used to her saying "I" and "Me" in reference to her future, that when I heard "We", it stood out.
Sunday was the football game and I shopped for her in the morning , and went to visit my mother while she cooked....we watched the game(she watched, mostly. I'm trying), her brother and SIL came over afterwards for dinner with their D2 and we all sat around and talked, drank some beers and had a nice late dinner.
After they left we relaxed, watched some TV and that was about it....tired from the weekend we both ended up sleeping early...she stayed on the couch...oh well....used to that.
One more note...wife had asked me to make some fresh salsa so the tomatoes we had would not go to waste, and I had not had time yet, so after dinner as we were all sitting in the kitchen I put it together.
Now, I am pretty good in the kitchen, but over the last year or so my W has surpassed me in my skills. I always joke about her being the "expert" and honestly have come to value her opinion. As I was making the salsa, I asked her several times about amounts, seasoning and ingredients and she kept a watchful eye over me to make sure I did it the way she wanted.
I made a few wise comments about what seemed to be a reversal of roles and her being the expert, and me not wanting to get yelled at for screwing something up.
Later that night I asked her if she is insulted or offended when I joke about her being the expert and asking her opinion about food and cooking. I told her lately I really do value her knowledge and she has really come into her own when it comes to the kitchen.
She said "No, not any more. I know in the past you were being sarcastic and that used to bother. Now I know you really are asking for help or an opinion".
nds, My wife who used to hate pro sports and anything to do with basketball all of a sudden turned into a pro football junkie and can't wait to fill out her bracket for the b-ball NCAAs. I'm not one to sit and watch sports either so I know the drudgery of that. It would be like me all of a sudden to start liking rap music and acting like I know what it's all about. It's confusing fooshizzle. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
HEY Coach....new thread??? Where are you...how's it going??
Watching football is really not drudgery...it's just taking me a while to get up on it, but if she is going to watch and I am going to have the chance, I want to make the effort.
I have always been a rabid drag racing fan...never ball sports...and after we got married I took her to the races and she became an immediate fan. We would make long weekends out of it and go away...split the time between the races, shopping and site seeing. I remember it tapering off and finally stopping all together, and if I was paying attention back then, I would have known why....what a dope I was.
Funny you should mention the music. My wife and I have very similar tastes in most music...leans to the hard side of rock, modern and classic, but pretty varied overall.
She also, maybe the because of our D's influence over the years has become a big fan of the newer...hip hop, rappy....ahhh, music. Now, I will tell you the old NDS would not even let her think about listening to that when we were together.
The new NDS is willing to give it a chance and I guess when it comes to music, you have to be open, because I have come across some stuff that actually is not too bad....weird. As long as they are not F-ing up a storm or degrading women...I am OK with it...even find myself leaving the station on the next day in the car after we have been out.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi nds. It took me a while to figure out you started a new thread. I totally missed the little gold lock and was thinking why hasn't nds posted on his thread in a while? I'm a little slow sometimes.
But I just caught up and see you have seen many positives in your sitch. It's nice to see some momentum. Her comment about the cooking and you asking for her opinion is great. It's nice that she mentioned how you USED to be and how she now knows you are really just asking to get her opinion. Shows a recognized change.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
nds I just read your reply on my thread and thought I would post this here.
You said your W hardly ever seeks out your company. And I know you two spend alot of time together and that you initiate most of the plans for hanging out. What would happen if you stopped doing all the seeking, planning and suggesting?
Remember from the DB book about the see-saw effect. When one person in the R takes care of something all the time, the spouse stops doing it. Maybe you want to try not initiating everything and see if she picks up the ball.
Just a thought.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hey Coach, Steady...thanks for checking in on me. Been trying to stay with you guys, but just have not had much to post myself...feeling a little blah in my own sitch, and not sure why, or if there is any feedback I need...trying to wing it and go with what I know I guess.
This week, overall was not a bad week.
Bworl and Forrest, if you are still out there you are going to disagree with me on this I am sure...but I felt a down cycle coming, and I am pretty sure she is there right now. I DO NOT believe I did anything to bring it on....I was positive and happy all week and felt like there really was some movement early on.
Did I do something...make her feel something...push too hard? I guess I will never know. I was expecting it...was that the problem?
Since my camping trip, she has not been out and about much...good thing? Positive point? I don't know....I will take a 2x4 there for not continuing the GAL that I was on....but that tug-o-war of mine. She is there, willing and available...I ask, we go out, we have dinner at home, we have these fun nights. Am I afraid if a don't, I will never have another? I don't know. I will give her all the space she wants and needs...in almost 3 weeks now, she has not taken any, and neither I have I.
There has been an almost relaxed, normalcy in the air for some time now. Did that scare her?
Sunday was the dinner with her brother and SIL, the football game and a pretty boring evening at home...we were both tired and just watched some TV.
Monday...she was off and it was my late night. Texts back and forth all day...she stayed home and caught up on housework, but towards the end of the day let me know she was bored, asked if I wanted to "hang out" and have some drinks and play a game and when I would be home. The "best friend"(very scarce the last couple of weeks) was supposed to stop over but never made it.
When I got home she had already had a few drinks and wanted to go out for some fresh air, so we did. At one point she asked me to stop the car and pulled me close so she could kiss me and give me a hug. We made it back home had some snacks and few drinks, went to bed and ML....I felt her close that night...closer than usual...that giving of herself that is there sometimes.
Tuesday, she works and I am off. Friendly and chatting in the morning, stopped to see her at work and brought her a tea. I asked about dinner and she said she was going to the park with my SIL and SIL's nieces and nephews....good, I thought, she has not been out in a while. I figured they would do something afterward and make an evening of it.
Me...can't keep my big mouth shut. I am mowing the grass as she leaves and tell her to call if she wants to meet up for some wings and a game of pool, maybe a beer later...looks at me funny and says "Uhhh..maybe"...did I feel a little coolness??
What does she do?? Cut the night short with SIL, I think, and give me a call..."You really want to go play some pool? I'll pick you up so we only have one car".
Crazy night ensues....out later than we should have been...closeness, talking...home to ML. During the night while talking I get one of those...."how come no body we know likes the same food we like, or beer we like...or music we like??...how come nobody 'gets it' like us??"....WTF?
Yesterday, Wednesday....both at work...text is scarce and short. D is making dinner and we all are home for the evening and W and I are tired from the previous night out....dinner and TV and I am off to bed early...she sleeps on the couch.
Today, Thursday...pretty much no contact at all. She called early while I was at work because she couldn't find her keys and found them while on the phone with me.
She was not home when I got here and left no note or text to tell me where she was or when she would be home.
I know she is with my SIL having a "hair night"(long story-overheard conversation), but why couldn't she just have left me a note, or sent me a text to tell me??
I get the roller coaster and the push/pull. I felt her draw very close, I think, recently and maybe this is her way of telling me to not get my hopes up without having the "talk"?
So...here I sit..just wondering..WTF? Like I said, don't think I did anything "wrong", other than go with the flow and be there with her....not any pressure that I can think of, and if there was she gladly accepted.
Is she cycling....scared? Did she just realize how close she was letting me get again and needed to back off? If so, fine.
You know what bothers me most? This evening. No matter what she is feeling, why just blow me off and not even have the courtesy to just leave me a note or send me a text and say she was going out or would not be home?
We are not working on our R or the marriage. To the best of my knowledge nothing has changed in her mind...she is still on track for a separation and expecting me to leave at some point in the future.
Do I ask why? Do I tell her I would like to know where she is and if she is not going to be home? Do I have that right in all of this? Or do I just act like I could care less? Do I call her on this last 6 months and push for a decision??? I can assume where that will go....just keep plugging along and GAL hard and strong???
This just seems to get more strange as time goes on...there is not a sitch like this on this whole board in the months I have been here and I will bet there will never be one.....coming up to 6 months now and not a change. Up, down...good times and very few bad....ML....weekends away...dinners, partying...the best 6 months we have had in years, and.....????
Or one more thought....does she WANT me to wonder where she is and what she is doing? Does she want me to call and ask how come she didn't call?...where are you wife, I was worried about you???
Is she waiting for a text to check in and see what she is doing??
OK...That's enough...tired and rambling. Time for bed....
So who's really doing the cycling here - you or her?
Honestly, from what you wrote, I don't see her cycling. Perhaps a bit inconsiderate not to touch base with you tonight, but the rest of the week? I don't see cycling.
Except in you.
And be careful about creating what you fear.
Made me think of this, by way of example...
I think one of the worst questions a man can ask a woman is "Is it your time of the month?" If it is, you're still an inconsiderate lout. If it isn't, you're going to be feeling like it is anyway now.
I think you do this sometimes with her.
I know where it's coming from, you probably do too. Be nice to find a way to keep from doing it maybe.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"Or one more thought....does she WANT me to wonder where she is and what she is doing? Does she want me to call and ask how come she didn't call?...where are you wife, I was worried about you???"
How bout a simple text that says.. "having fun?"
"This just seems to get more strange as time goes on...there is not a sitch like this on this whole board in the months I have been here and I will bet there will never be one.....coming up to 6 months now and not a change. Up, down...good times and very few bad....ML....weekends away...dinners, partying...the best 6 months we have had in years, and.....????"
Sounds like my life now.
Granted my wife is not saying she is leaving.. she was a year ago.. actually now that I think about it.. This time last year I was living at Mom and Dads. I was actually doing all kinds of "Crazy" stuff. It's a good thing I figured out.. that if I kept on like I was.. I might be staying there a long time. You just really have to understand that you fight yourself more.. than you fight the other person. Just think.. if you had a mentor.. you guys could have been having a beer tonight.
Hopefully this is short lived and you will come back tomorrow and tell us about.. well you know.
Come on Lucky Cricket!
You can do better than this. I will point out.. your vent sessions seem to come further apart now.
Remember you Always must....
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
