I just read a post from trusting about her little get-away and you know what?? something she said about getting the ol' self esteem out of the toilet.... that is what i want...stepping out of the toilet!!! =)
So here I am today stepping out. A new post becasue it is a new day. Nothing has changed with x. He is still telling all of his wonderful half truths. Those would be called lies to most of us, but to him not a lie..just not full disclosure. Trying not to find out about ow or their life or not life but have to be honest it is hard not to ask...
Today I am going to the Panthers game with a friend and x had to be here to pick up d12- he of course was early and she of course wasn't quite ready...so what do you do? make them stand otu side or let them in? i let him in....didn't really want to but did. One good thing --- got him to sign something that needed to be done 9 months ago...
Not working the system or doing or any of that anymore. Just living my life. The door is closed with a large peep hole in it. Who knows waht plans God has for my life....I dont anymore.
What do I know?
I am the kind that loves with all my heart... I am the kind that is loyal and faithful... I am the kind that wants to live and not wait 60 years for an answer (sorry that is from counseling..in reference to Hannah who prayed for 60 years for a child...God did finally answer her prayer....)
What does it all mean? Nothing different really excpet I am trying to unentangle myself from x. the peep hole is there but teh door is shut.....
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
You go girl. Start stepping out because you deserve it. You are a wonderful person. I just hope he is not too late to see this because someone else might snatch you up.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Day one of stepping out was good!! =) nice being able to say that.
of course the PANTHERS ONE!! WOOHOOO! so that made it even better. the friend got me a t-shirt which sounds very silly but knownoe has bought me anything in over a year so it was a nice little surprise! and he really is just a friend.
leets see..ahh yes and the bonus to the day? apparently x asked d12 where i was going? what was happening? what was up..... just nice knowing that for once he coudln't predict my life!!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
In stepping out - out of the toilet bowl you still have to let go. Why is it when you begin to let go your heart pulls harder BACK? i don't get it!!! AND it is extremely frustrating....I just want my freakin' heart to stop it!!
I want to stop wondering. I want to stop caring if he wonders about me. I just want it to stop!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Yikes, I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. Sorry about that! Time flies when you're freaking out...
Quote:
I just want my freakin' heart to stop it!!
Don't think that's your heart, darling. It's your ego holding you back... telling you to honor the past by making you feel guilty about moving forward. (Notice I didn't say MOVING ON. I really and truly mean moving forward.)
Repeat after me (when you start that unproductive, self-induced Q&A): What could I be doing instead if I weren't engaged in this self sabotage?
If he starts caring again, friend, he'll let you know. Otherwise, you've got your game plan and your game on. Just ask Trace Adkins. He knows.
Well, Mr. Wonderful and I acknowledged our "Unniversary" on Monday. It would have been our 18th. I didn't forget it at all, but I was busy so each time I spoke with him, I didn't mention it. By the time I got home after work, D14 commented, "Mom, Dad was really weird today. I have no idea what that was about but he was really off." We got in the car to head to the grocery store and I picked up my cell phone and wished him a happy unniversary. He laughed and said, "Excuse me?" I explained that I now refer to it as that because we don't celebrate it anymore. For any of you who ask themselves this question, here's one answer. Mr. W. thanked me for remembering aloud. He said he could never forget and that it still makes him sad. He said he was a bit annoyed because he had assumed I had forgotten. Go figure?
Of course I'm no longer sad. I told him I was still glad we had one, because we had some really great years together and produced 2 terrific kids. AND we wound up friends again.
So here I am, divorced 3 years and my XH is annoyed because I don't outwardly comment on our wedding anniversary. What a hoot.
So just keep on keeping on and this will all work out some way and some how. I promise. It really does get better, Cagz.
Time to head off to bed. I'm beat.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oh Betsey you have NO idea how happy your post made me! thank you!!
the unanniversary -- can't wait till i am there...able to say it ON the day that it was all good.
can i ask you about mr. w....?? is there an ow or was there? i kinda remember but not really.. I think it is so cooooool how you have gotten to where you are...
stepping out of the toilet has been a little bit smelly with some times of dripping --- but slowly walking away adn not desiring to get flushed anymore! HA!! i do miss him and yes I think you are right..letting go of the "i tried so hard etc etc." is a tough one for me... and then add on that both my neice and my sister are getting married--- well again those events have tempted me back into the toilet..but not going there...Did you know it smells in there??????????? (didn't knwo i could be so funny huh?)
trying to untangle myself...can't beleive how entwined you can be with someone you have nothing with... you know those little things that grab you back..
oh yes - and thank you for not saying moving on..cause well i am just "Doing the do baby..." i have learned taht forward motion is enevitable....the next d comes whteher you want it to or not.... and i am tired of not letting it come.... i am exhausted.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Oh Betsey you have NO idea how happy your post made me! thank you!!
the unanniversary -- can't wait till i am there...able to say it ON the day that it was all good.
can i ask you about mr. w....?? is there an ow or was there? i kinda remember but not really.. I think it is so cooooool how you have gotten to where you are...
stepping out of the toilet has been a little bit smelly with some times of dripping --- but slowly walking away adn not desiring to get flushed anymore! HA!! i do miss him and yes I think you are right..letting go of the "i tried so hard etc etc." is a tough one for me... and then add on that both my neice and my sister are getting married--- well again those events have tempted me back into the toilet..but not going there...Did you know it smells in there??????????? (didn't knwo i could be so funny huh?)
trying to untangle myself...can't beleive how entwined you can be with someone you have nothing with... you know those little things that grab you back..
oh yes - and thank you for not saying moving on..cause well i am just "Doing the do baby..." i have learned taht forward motion is enevitable....the next d comes whteher you want it to or not.... and i am tired of not letting it come.... i am exhausted.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Oh Betsey you have NO idea how happy your post made me! thank you!!
the unanniversary -- can't wait till i am there...able to say it ON the day that it was all good.
can i ask you about mr. w....?? is there an ow or was there? i kinda remember but not really.. I think it is so cooooool how you have gotten to where you are...
stepping out of the toilet has been a little bit smelly with some times of dripping --- but slowly walking away adn not desiring to get flushed anymore! HA!! i do miss him and yes I think you are right..letting go of the "i tried so hard etc etc." is a tough one for me... and then add on that both my neice and my sister are getting married--- well again those events have tempted me back into the toilet..but not going there...Did you know it smells in there??????????? (didn't knwo i could be so funny huh?)
trying to untangle myself...can't beleive how entwined you can be with someone you have nothing with... you know those little things that grab you back..
oh yes - and thank you for not saying moving on..cause well i am just "Doing the do baby..." i have learned taht forward motion is enevitable....the next d comes whteher you want it to or not.... and i am tired of not letting it come.... i am exhausted.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Wow, the visual of walking out of a smelly toilet is almost too much for me lady! Get the heck out of there, woman! It's not pretty! Otherwise, I'm going to come out there and bring my Tidy Bowl and you're gonna be sorry!
Nope, Mr. W. didn't have OW. I know you think that sounds peachy, but let me tell you it would have been easier if he had one. At least I'd know that he wanted something, even if it wasn't me. He chose to hole up in an apartment for a year and drink through his depression. He chose that over me, and it really upset me to no end. It was difficult to know that he chose to divorce me over NOTHING. That just plain old meant he didn't want me. It wasn't that he was running to someone else, ya know?
I can look back now and see it for what it was. Honestly, if I'm going to admit this to myself and anyone else, we really had grown spiritually far, far apart. I want a man who prays for us. I want a man who feels I'm worth the effort of trying to improve himself first. Mr. W. is clearly not that person, so he's done me a huge favor by releasing me so I can one day find someone who does.
Give yourself a big break, Cagz. Weddings are difficult, and it was really hard for me to go to them for quite some time. Hell, I even had a difficult time being truly happy for people. Two years ago, when I walked into my OB/GYN's office, I saw all these pregnant young women with their husbands... gooing and gaaing and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. As I bawled and told the doctor that I didn't want to be pregnant like them but that life was just too hard to live the way I was living it, she felt sorry for me. That got me a vitamin B12 shot and a promise to identify why I was feeling so bereft.
Oy, those days are not remembered fondly, my friend. I just allow myself to feel whatever it is that pops up. Then I figure out why I'm going there. Let me tell you, 99.9% of the time, it's because I'm not taking care of myself in one way or another. My self care almost always is in the toilet and I have nobody else to blame but myself. Once I step that up, I always feel better.
The toilet is a sh!tty place to be! (Pun intended. )
So if you know you're going to be heading to weddings and aren't feeling too strong, make sure that you honor yourself by completely pampering yourself before and after. Remember that the day is for someone else and the last thing you would want to remember as a bride is the visage of someone close who just couldn't move past their own crap long enough to be happy. (That ought to startle you a bit.) And if you can fanagle a dance with a hunky guy - married or not-- then you do it! Look gorgeous and go out and dazzle everyone with your perky self. I swear it works.
Keep on doing the do, baby. Fabulous way to start your weekend.
All in good time, Cagz. It takes time and work. You'll get that elephant eaten at some point. Swear on it.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey