This could be it...

[Mojones]

I am starting to realize that my self esteem sucks. I start to feel better and the slightest thing sets me back. H keeps talking about this girl he calls "shorty rock" at work who is supposively 19 years old and she does all of these things he considers cool. I have always wanted to know how to blow glass and tonight he told me that she gave him a website that SHE used to learn it. This of course did not make me want to be like"yeah let me get right on there and learn how to do it like SHE suggested." I feel very inadequate. I keep feeling like I am never going to be good enough for him and it makes it hard to "focus on me." I don't even feel worthy of that right now. I always seem to think about him and D13 and how what I do will benefit them. I can't even think of the first thing I would do for ME that I enjoy that wouldn't cost too much or interfere with their life. On top of this, H is depressed because he doesn't like his job and he has been saying he is going to leave but "people" talk him out of it. I can't help but wonder if "shorty rock" is the one to talk him out of it. Everyone here seems to just get it. They don't obsess over any possible OW, they GAL easily...I can't seem to relax about my h, I can't seem to get GALing because I have revolved around them for 13 years. I feel like giving up sometimes like just saying "well he is interested in someone else again adn I will never be good enough I might as well just go about my life until he tells me or I find out." I try to think of things to do but I have to admit I always think "what would he find interesting?" I have to try so hard where it might come easy to someone else. I am a smart person and I know logically that I can't let someone define my worth but if I am brutally honest I have a horrible time getting past it. His opinion and his acceptance and love for me have way too much significance and I don't know how to think differently because I never have. What it boils down to is when I don't feel like I have these things from him, or if I am unsure, I feel crushed. I want to be strong like most of you but I am just not sure how. I can't seem to get to step one long enough. SDFoundGirl asked me what I want for myself and all of my answers when I thought about it had him in them. That is probably not good. Can anyone relate? Is this part of recovering or something else?