I posted this first in JJ's "7-step" thread, in answer to a question posed about second/third marraiges being happier than the first. I thought it merited being posted here as well.
I married the first time at 16 years old. I was completely clueless and definately didn't marry for love. As time went on, all of the signs I should have seen early on became a pattern of him drinking and being abusive. I attempted to make it work, but there was never going to be any happy ending there.
My current H was married twice before, briefly. Despite birth control, he had the misfortune of getting a woman pregnant. She wanted to have the baby Because he was in the military, he was able to provide certain benefits, including free medical care for mother and baby if he married the mom. I knew them at this time (strange story--my first H and I were their next-door neighbors and friends) They definately did not marry for love and the marraige died a natural death.
Second time around, he again, despite birth control, got ANOTHER woman pregnant. Yeah, yeah, I know.... SAME story, he married the woman to provide for the child, marraige died a natural death.
By this time, he'd had enough of the unplanned babies and got "fixed".
He and I remained friends. His wife #1 and I remained friends. I lost track of him for a couple years and ran into him one day out shopping. We exchanged phone numbers and planned to get together to catch up. As we walked away, my son asked me "who was that guy?" I said, "that's an old friend of mine. I can't explain it, but I have the strongest voice inside me saying I'm going to marry that guy!" It was so weird, but 6 months later, we were living together and have raised my two sons and his two sons together.
Basically, it was the first time either of us actually CHOSE to be in a relationship and went into it with full knowledge and intent.
Despite the difficulty we have had the past two years, with him in full-blown MLC and having an affair, I would have to say even now that we are much happier that in previous marraiges. In fact, now that we are addressing some of the cracks that were in the foundation of our relationship, we can both picture ourselves growing old together.
One thing that was a down side our past relationships was that H was 40 the first time he got into a relationship he actually wanted to be in, and had had a vasectomy 5 years before. We were never able to have a child together and have had to mourn that.
I always thought our story was kind of ironic, maybe even a bit bizarre. What do you think?
Re Pam, I already did. Poor kid, I can really feel for her. I hope I didn't come off too strong, but I thought it might be time for a very gentle 2x4--especially about getting on meds. Probably a good time for them, enit?
I know the mental place you have to go to in order to find the stark and steely resolve--at times like that--to fight for your marraige.
I know that in many cases, no R talks and no pursuing are the best stratagy. For my sitch, the 180 that worked was more R talks, more pursuing and lots of reassurances to H.
Along that line, I called and left a voice mail for H this morning.
I said it really scared me to think how close to losing each other. I said that through all of this, whenever one of us was ready to give up or bolt, the other would pull it back together. I told him that I was so glad for that, because giving up on our R would have been a sad and foolish mistake.
H called me from work tonight and said, "I got your message. Did you really mean what you said?"
I told him that I definatly did, and that I hoped he could see how hard I was trying to do a better job of trying to express the feelings I have for him, even though it feels clumsy.
He didn't speak for a long time. Then he said, "thank you" and I could tell he was tearing up.
I know we have a lot of work yet to do, but I think we've made a lot of progress and I AM glad that we didn't give up--even though that would have seemed like the easiest thing to do.
Talista you are awesome. I have followed your thread for a while but never posted because I am just blown away by your maturity and your insight. I feel I can learn from you and the others on this board
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hi Fran. Geez, sometimes I just journal here & forget that maybe lots of people read it! Thanks for the compliments, although I'm not sure about the maturity part ( )
I'M not unsure about your maturity!!! I know you're younger than me in years (actually, I can't remember how old you are! )...but your waters run DEEP.
I also teared up a touch reading your post...do you REALIZE what it means that your message touched him so???
I see such good things ahead for you two, I really do!
And too funny, bur I knew what "enit" meant right away, I think I'm even pronouncing it right!
LOLOL...yeah you even have a touch of quirky Indian sense of humor too!
Yesterday, I had a C session. My C scolded me a bit because I told her that H and I hadn't talked much about exactly when he was moving back home and haven't at all talked about any fears or anxieties either one of us was having. I had told her that I was AFRAID to bring up the subject as I was worried that he would feel preassured, tell me he was having second thoughts, etc.
So...anyhoo...when he called last night, I if there was a reason why we hadn't talked about it as it IS a big deal and supposably will be taking place within a few weeks.
H said he was just about ready now...had been boxing things up and trying to figure out where he would put his new house plants in our house.
So then I asked him if he had any fears/anxiety about coming home. That opened up a big can of worms--as he told me about what had been going on in his therapy and how what he is finding out about himself makes him afraid that he will screw up our R!!!!
Alot of what he told me were things that I sort of knew and was bothered/hurt by, but I now have a clearer picture of what is going on with him.
I think we are both worried that there is a disorder (??) or quirk in his makeup that is very incompatible with having a long-term R.
I really would like to talk to you about it and get your perspective, as well as anyone else's thoughts, but I don't have time to write about it now.
P.S. Aside note....he says his therapist is a lot like me in personality and her techniques to get him to be open and honest are things that I do without realizing it. Says we're the only ones who have ever been able to put him on the spot and get unvarnished answers out of him. He called it "sneaky" at first, but was looking for a better word that didn't have such negative connotations. HMMMMMM.
Hi Talitsa! Everything sounds great here--I see great things for you and your H--just as your posts in my threads have been an inspiration to me--the ones in your own thread are very inspiring--you have it together and are awesome!!! Pam
)...but your waters run DEEP.
