Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[Imageer]

Oddly, I haven't heard from W at all today. She has contacted me every day since she lost her job.

I'm trying to keep my expecations low but hhis job loss thing has really brought me back into the game. I really am starting to see the effects of her choices piling up on her.

[missmyfriend]

Ima, keep up the good work and stay patient. Something is happening but remember "dont watch a pot boil".

[Imageer]

"dont watch a pot boil"

Thanks Buddy, You are right but it is so hard to not watch.

[missmyfriend]

Ima, I can relate.

You love her and you have this "desire" to protect her. Understand that is a very normal feeling. In fact, you still consider yourselves husband and wife, and it is our responsibility to protect those we love to the best of our ability.

When it comes to issues such as losing a job and possibly losing a house, does it really matter? It is only a job and only a house. In the extreme cases where a person has no place to live, there is grave concern that they could be living on the street. In your wife's case, it is unlikely.

I know we become very attached to our homes and our egos can become severely bruised if we are forced to leave our house. It can be very embarrassing because we are thinking that everyone is looking down on us. Does it really matter?

In the case of our spouses, they left for various reason but, in many cases, they wanted to prove they could live on their own. I have thought about whether I want my wife to fail or succeed in living on her own and my answer was: I want her to succeed. If this was so important to her to be on her own, I would rather her try to see if she can make it rather than come back home because she couldn't. Does that make sense?

I won't go so far as to say that I want her in a new relationship because she lacks experience there. I draw the line at being on her own. But I can't stop her from looking for someone else. She has to learn on her own that finding someone new won't make her happy. And the reason I know that finding someone new won't make my W happy is due to the fact that I am aware that she is hurting in other areas and a relationship is supposed to take the pain away (in her mind). But it won't. Maybe it will when the relationship is new. And then she will look for someone else (which she did) and she will be happy for awhile until the newness wears off. The happiness she feels during these times of newness in her relationship cannot be permanent. The only way she can get it back is by finding a new person.

That is why there is usually a higher average of partners in same sex relationships. We are seeing trends in opposite sex relationships follow this same pattern now since marriage is not valued anymore and more and more people view relationships in a dysfunctional manner.

Imageer, as much as it is hard not to be curious and to think about what is going on in our Ws lives, it is actually much easier to avoid thinking of them so much and not get involved in their drama (when we can avoid it).

On a personal note, my W actually played mom last night during a discipline session with one of my kids. It is unfortunate in that it was his birthday but he has been really bad in turning in assignments and it is really hurting his grades.

If you would've listened to my W talk to him, you would've been impressed. It is hard to imagine a woman as smart and capable as my W is going through this tumultuous affair, making bad decision after bad decision, but can clearly see when other people are messing up and can provide such thoughtful and helpful guidance. I guess it is easier to give advice than take it.

TTYL!

mmf

[poet]

I'm trying to keep my expectations low but this job loss thing has really brought me back into the game. I really am starting to see the effects of her choices piling up on her.

Hello Image,

I was just reading your recent posts, and I'm curious about the statement above. It seems like your wife is feeling the effects of choices and/or things she has no control over. You mentioned difficulties in finances, emotions and etc. Can you elaborate on the emotions and other parts? I would like to know only because if our spouses are having emotional difficulties in certain areas of their lives because of a dramatic change in their outlook, how can that effect our chances of revival? I've yet to learn this, and since my H's best friend committed suicide last week, he has been much less angry with me, and more compassionate, strangely enough???

thanks in advance,
poet

[Imageer]

MMF,

Well said and I agree. A house is just a house. I have learned to look at things differently since this has all happened. Possessions are just possessions and in the grand scheme of things, they are not that important. What is important is my childrem, my wife, the rest of my family and my friends. These relationships can bring far more joy and far more sadness than any possession.

Because my W didn't have a great childhood, she has developed a habit of putting her friends ahead of her family. I'm not sure why that is, but I have seen it in her. Maybe it is that her friends are not critical of her choices like family is. I'm not sure though. Maybe it is that her friends tend to be beneth her and tehn put her on a pedestal and she enjoys that validation.

Being that she has basically lived with OW from about a month after she left, I don't know if you can really say that she is on her own. Part of my wants to see her fail on her own and part of me doesn't. I guess I want this life that she has created to crumble around her so that she can realize what is important.

[Imageer]

Poet,

Emotions are at the front of all of the actions of the MLCer. They feel lost and trapped in the marriage. They also usually have a lot of depression and often a lot of things that have gone unsaid bottled up inside them. They then take all of these negative things that are in their minds and project it on to us.

They recreate their past in such a way that think all their time with us is/was bad. Where as their time before us was great. As time goes by people in general tend to think of their past as being much better than it was. That is why people always talk of the "Good old Days"

Then in their state of depression and negative thought about their lives, they go out find friends that validates this thinking and encourages them to act on these feelings so they leave.

After they have left, it does not bring the relief that they are looking for. They still have the depression, their life is still not what they want it to be in that they still have stresses of their job and life in general. Plus now, they have hurt the people that they love and they have to carry that burden too.

In your case, your H's best best friend has died. Now he has the emotions of that to deal with. If this friend was his source of validation and support, he has also lost that.

It's a good thing that he is reaching out to you. Validate his feelings. Understand that he is going through pain. Above all be his friend and be good to him.

[Imageer]

I spent an hour with W this morning while D6 was at dance class.

It was pretty good. It seems that the awkwardness that existed months ago is gone. We talked about a bunch of different topics such as friends, jobs, houses, the kids, school, etc. But nothing R related. It was friendly and she bought me a hot chocolate.

She has got it in her head that she wants to be a truck driver. She was telling me how she spent a bunch of time researching it this week.

This baffles me a little. I don't want to knock anyone profession but until 2 weeks ago, she had a senior job in the insurance industry. She would go to golf tournaments & Industry confrences. In the last year she has gone to meetings in the US, England, and Germany. Granted her career put a lot of stress on her but it seems odd to me that she would want to move from that career to a job driving a truck.

Strangely, she was telling me that she went to talk to a truck driving school. She told me that while she was telling the woman she was talking to that she worked in the insurance industry, the owner overheard her and told her that she worked in the insurance industry at one time. W took this as validation for her driving a truck but failed to see that this woman didn't drive a truck, she was the owner of the school. Beyond this, this truck driving school came off as being really white trash when they told her that they could get her a job because she was white and could speak english. Again W took this to be an encouraging thing.

They also told my W that they could get her a job because she is a woman and equal opportunity laws say that companies have to hire women. W also thought this was a good thing. The W I know would have never thought that this was a good thing. Being hired because she was a woman rather than on her own merit would never have appealed to her.

I left her really shaking my head thinking about what she is thinking of doing. Is this a stress thing or a depression thing? Is it a reaction to not being happy? Or, is it just desparation because there isn't anyone hiring in her field right now?

I think there is more going on here than simply wanting to become a truck driver. I would appreciate any thoughts anyone has on this.

[InLikeFlynn]

Does she realize that driving a truck means alot of time away from the kids?? And her OW??

[Imageer]

In this area too, she seems to be not thinking straight. She says that they told her that she would be able to get a job that would allow her to work from 9-3 when she has the kids and whenever when she doesn't.

W thinks this is a good idea so that she could be home for the kids when they get home from school because they are liking that with her not working right now.

I don't know if this is true or not, but it doesn't sound right to me. Personally, if I had the choice between hiring someone that that had condition on when they wanted to work vs. someone that didn't, I'd hire the person that didn't.

I think she is being idealistic about the whole thing.